Complaining

I often find myself complaining....
I have too much homework
I don't have enough
I don't have the time to take a nap
all I have to do is nap
There's nothing to do
I had to much fun last night, so this is my punishment
blah....blah...blah

As you can probably tell, today has been a really boring day.
I went to math, had a review of crap I already know. Drew random things in my notebook. Wrote a few German insults for no reason. Came back here. Rewrote my history notes (that's how bored I was). Ate lunch. Napped. Ate dinner.... boredom!!!! It's absolutely ridiculous.

Part of me honestly believes that I'm punished when I have a fun day. The next day, or days, become sheer boredom. Nothing can grab hold of my attention. I'm left to do nothing but watch the clock tick (hypothetically, since I do not have a real clock) and wish the next day would come and maybe be a little better.

I do have one frustration to talk about though, something that really gets under my skin and makes me want to punch something. I HATE it when my friends judge what I do. It's my life and I have my own boundaries. My boundaries are good and Christian and moral. I'm not going to go do something "slutty" or evil. What really set me off was a friend today at lunch. She sat there judging me the whole time. Telling me what I should and should not have done in a situation. The thing is, she wasn't there. She doesn't know what happened or what didn't happen. (And obviously nothing happened because I'm not like that) I kindly asked her once to stop judging me because I didn't do anything wrong and she just kept on going. By this time I was done eating so I just left and hoped the topic would blow over by dinner time. But of course, I was wrong and she just kept on judging. I don't know what to do because nothing I say satisfies her judgmental self. ...

Montag

Oh Mondays.... I love how they're supposed to be boring and hated, but mine always seem to be my favorite day. I get to sleep in until 1030-ish and lounge around until I decide it's time to go to art/history/English.

Art... ugh... I guess it's getting a little better. Apparently I finally understand what an "artistic response" is. Although I don't know how to do it again. And I found out that I did my homework right, so I was happy.

History... I LOVE my teacher. He's soo hilarious. But it's a good thing I already took APUSH with Coach, because without it I would probably fail my tests. The professor always runs out of time and we don't ever go as deeply into things as Coach did.

English- I turned in my intro for that frisbee paper today. I really hope she goes easier on me than she did on some of the kids today. The only homework I have from all my classes is to brainstorm for 2 hours about my essay. Good thing my bffl X did that for me already. :)

ASL is going great. Renato is awesome and is really easy to understand. Today, we spent most of class talking about our favorite movies. THE NOTEBOOK! and learned a few more vocabulary words.

After class ended X GOT HERE!!!!! Bee, X, and I walked down S.G. Street and got some yummy ice cream. Luckily, while walking down the street, I randomly asked X how much his parking was. As he pulled out the receipt, that retard realized that he had forgotten to put part of it on his dashboard. So we rushed over to the lot and fixed that problem. Then we walked around campus and went to play air hockey in the student center. We played, yelled, ran around, hid in corners, took pictures, and caused a scene. Just the normal things that happen when we're together.... Soon Jessi and Jor Jor were out of their class, so Bee joined them in the dining hall for food. X and I walked down to a restaurant to eat. (sorry the food was soooo nasty! I didn't know) We joked, laughed, got stomach aches from the disgusting "cuisine", paid (you owe me!!) and then walked around the fort. Some of my weird classmates were there jumping off things and yelling... it made me laugh.

I absolutely LOVE the fort at night. If I wasn't so scared of hobos, I'd sleep there one night. You can see the sunrise and set over the waterway and the grass is soo nice. Plus, if you couldn't sleep, there's plenty of exploring you could do in the fort. Maybe, one day, when I make enough guy friends, I'll take a trip out there at night. Maybe...

In the land of Orange and Blue

This weekend I spent the majority of my time in Gator Country. Something about being there makes me really happy. The street signs and the fire hydrants are painted orange and blue. Everyone is really friendly (although that's probably because the majority of them are drunk). Game day's are amazing. Everyone is decked out in their Gator Garb, painted faces, dyed hair, painted bodies. The vibe is amazing. My dad somehow managed to get 6 tickets to the Troy game. Those tickets went to me, Flander, Rash, N, Moo, and Dad.

Dad picked me up from college Friday night and took me to Nana and Gidow's in P.C. I hung out there, did some laundry, and caught up on a little homework. The next morning we woke up super early and left for UF. We stopped by Publix to get some lunch and then headed over to my older bro's dorm room. I took a little nap on his bed (breaking the two UF rules of girls not taking their shoes off and not falling asleep) because I felt like total crap, but I was NOT about to miss my man Timmy in action. After a short nap, Moo called and met us in the dorm. We hung out until Rash and N got there too. (Both of them are really sweet and I had a great time with everyone) Suddenly it was time for Gator Walk. We headed over to University Dr only to find all of the good places taken. So we had to stand in the back of the crowd with NO chance of molesting... I mean high-fiving... Timmy. Still, just seeing him gave me the heebie-jeebies. He's almost too perfect. He's glorified to an almost Godly position. I really have no clue how the team will survive next year without him. :(

Anyways, after Gator Walk we headed back to the dorm. X and I talked on my spacephone about our sworn enemy and how we're going to make him see the error of his ways. And soon enough, it was game time. We headed over to the stadium, said hey to Weegie, B-Cakes, and El Presidente, and then went to find our seats. We had a really good view of the entire field and were having a really good time until the monsoon of the century hit. It literally rained throughout the WHOLE game. I was soaked to the bone. Luckily the woman sitting next to me had a poncho that she let me put my spacephone under. (That's the thing about fellow Gators, they're always there to lend a helping hand.) All-in-all, the game was a great experience. We won (of course) and I got to make some nice new friends. Too bad the rain didn't help my sickness, so when we got back to Moos apartment, she had to play mommy-doctor and medicate me into a deep sleep. I slept for 13 whole hours!! I wish I had felt better so I could have had the chance to catch up with Moo. :(

Well, after waking up, Dad and Flander drove me back to college and I finished the rest of my homework/caught up with Jessi, Jor Jor, and Bee.

I'm really excited for tomorrow because after classes are over X IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!! It's going to be a super good time... although he can't come up and see my room or anything. :(
Oh well, a visit is a visit no matter how you look at it. :) :) :)

Anatomy of My Love Life (or lack there of)

Walking to class, to dinner, or even just to get mail I am constantly surrounded by hand holding, giggling, and PDA. When Bee and I are together we look at each other and frown, longingly, for the same reason. We don't understand how people can be "together" already after a week and a half of class. Questions run through our heads... Did they come here together? Did they know each other before? Or were they just lucky enough to find each other? Those sets of questions are followed by a new set .... How did they meet? Where did they meet? When will I find someone like that? This summer I realized that I have changed from the flirtatious teenager I was in high school to a prim and proper Southern Belle. No, I don't ma'am and sir everyone, or speak with a Southern drawl, but I do hold the same ideals as those girls. I'm about as far from a feminist as you'll ever meet. While I didn't come to college for my MRS, I do know that if I happen to meet someone I'll graduate with my BA/BS whatever it is and never use the degree. If I never teach a day in my life, I'll be happy. As long as I have a husband and babies. I don't plan on being one of those mothers that goes back to work (not that there's anything wrong with that at all). I just want to be like my mom and stay at home. Maybe I'll teach half-days at preschool if I have to. But I mean really have to, as in we won't survive if I don't.

Another thing those S.B.'s and I have in common are our ideas on dating. It's the "wait around" method. Like I said, in high school I wasn't like that. I went out and pursued who I wanted. But now, I don't want to do that. It's the Southern Belle way to sit around, looking pretty, and waiting for someone to show interest. Then and only then do you show any kind of interest back. I'm not sure how effective this method is, but it's all I can do now. I've tried the other way, only to get doors slammed in my face, words flipped around, and overall sadness. So now I'm just sitting back and waiting for someone to come. I guess this is kinda what Bar wanted me to do. She'd always laugh at me and ask why I always found at boy at every youth retreat (and thinking back, that's how I distinguish between years of camp...). She'd tell me to sit back and wait. Because God has a plan for me. He has someone picked out for me. And if you don't believe in God, think of it as fate. Or a soulmate. Everyone has one, not everyone marries theirs.

Now, I am well aware of the fact that this plan isn't full proof by any means. I might end up unhappy. But I've been unhappy before and I know that I can get through it. Check back in seven years and see how it went for me. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's watched one too many romantic comedies. But I don't think that's what it is. I'll just stick to my Southern ideals and hope and pray that something comes along... Eventually. I'm not rushing anything. I'm only 18. I have a while before a shrivel up and die.

AHHHHH

I never understood the meaning of the word "despise" until recently. (Despise- verb- to regard as worthless) Worthless.... it's not the same as hate, it's kind of the opposite. It's indifference. Not caring what happens. Not caring if someone succeeds or fails in life. It's an interesting thing actually. I am, of course, referring to a specific person. I could care less what happens to them. I'm actually leaning to the wanting to see him fail side. I know that's terrible and I shouldn't, but they deserve it. From lying to me, to lying to a friend, to being an overall a** to other friends, they've done enough. I'm done.

What I really need to do is tell them how mad they make me. and how terrible of a person they are. But I know they'll just turn my words around or deny the truth. So I'll just sit and fester. Some day, probably soon, they'll do something to me again and then I'll explode in their face. BOOM! Dead. I couldn't care less.

The end. I had to do that. Sorry.

*Next morning*
It seems that every single day something new comes up that makes me despise this person even more. If I see him when I get home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever, I am going to be really tempted to haul out and hit him. Hard. I guess watching Sod King lay him out in football wasn't enough for me. I need to give him my own dose of pain. I'm actually thinking about taking JP up on his offer to get him tipsy and then invite me over to kick him. Repeatedly. Until he's sober enough to remember. That would sure as anything get my anger out.

Now in all honesty, I would never ever do any of those things to him. I wouldn't mind never having to see him again, but chances of that happening are slim to none. I just hope he realizes how stupid he is and how he can't just turn everything around to be my fault, or her fault, or his fault. Anyone but his own. That's not how it works dude. You can't take my entire summer away from me and then drop it when she comes back from Europa. Doesn't work like that. Put down that bong/joint/whatever they call it now you little liar. "I'll never go back to that." Yes, that's a quote directly from you. Idiot....

I'm at college now, 100 miles away from him, and he still gets into my brain. I think I'll just enlist some help from back home to take out my anger for me. Nothing bad, just enough for him to realize he's a terrible human being.

Reflection

Reflection (noun) -a thought occurring in consideration or meditation.
Synonym - contemplate

My English Comp assignment for this half of the semester is to write a "personal reflection". We're supposed to write a four page paper about our mantra, our personal philosophy of life. The title of this paper is supposed to be a single sentence. Something clever or serious, metaphorical or literal, fiction or nonfiction. I've spent the last week since getting this assignment trying to figure out my title. What have I learned in my short 18 years? What do I have to teach to anyone? What wisdom have I gained through my experiences? I know that I've learned tons of lessons. Too many to count. But how can those lessons be simplified into one clear and concise statement? Well, I've spent most of my waking hour contemplating this, (see I'm already reflecting), and I think I may have come up with a clever statement. Get ready for it....

"Always be prepared to catch the Frisbee" (If you can't tell, I've been thinking about/missing Summer Ultimate a lot. I really wish I was back in Smallsville so I could play every Sunday. Get to talk to everyone, and maybe even get sweaty hugs from disgusting, but sweet, guys.) Let me explain that statement though. It can be looked at two ways, both of which are what I was going for. The literal meaning is obviously be on the lookout for the frisbee. Catch it when it comes at you. This will help you avoid physical injury and ridicule from others. The metaphorical meaning is similar. Be prepared for life. It comes at you fast and if you're not ready for something you will get hurt. You have to accept the consequences if you're not prepared, if you don't have a plan, or if your plan doesn't have the right timing. Just like with a frisbee, if you try to catch to early or too late you won't succeed in getting what you want (in the literal case, the frisbee, in the metaphorical sense, the person, circumstance, grade, etc.) Another parallel between Ultimate and life is the people. Ultimate requires teamwork. You have rely on your teammates to score. In life, you have to rely on your family and friends to help you succeed. You can't do life alone. You can't play Ultimate alone. The help of others is necessary.

I still can't decide if this is the way I want to go with my paper. I have a while to decide and can use all the help I can get. This was just me throwing my ideas onto some sort of paper and attempting to organize them.

Now that that's out I'll talk a little about this week at school. I think I've gotten the hang of classes and school work. I get things done in a timely manner (usually) and tend to understand what I'm doing and how this school runs. I have even made a couple new friends, a guy, Boston, that I met while watching the Gator game. He's really nice. And a couple of sweet girls from my Learning Community. This year will be great, especially now that I have actually gotten around to meeting people other than Bee, Jessi, and Jor Jor.

This weekend is the UF/Troy game. I'm super excited to go because I get to stay at Moo's. And I also (hopefully) get to see JP. I've missed Moo a lot since she left and I can't wait to catch up with her, and I never really gave JP a proper goodbye and I've been talking to him a lot lately, so actually seeing him will be nice.

Something else I've been thinking about a lot is my happiness. I think I have finally realized that I am in charge of my own happiness and feelings. I can control how I feel about a situation and I can choose to look on the bright side of that. For example, college. I can choose to be sad that I'm here, away from everyone, or I can be happy because I'm making new friends and having a great time. I've decided to choose the latter. It's like looking on the bright side of life. Finding the good in something that seems all bad. Nothing is as terrible as it could be... I'm still your best friend (I don't kid when I say that) and that's enough for me. I'm happy. Promise. Swear. Whatever makes you believe me.

Too much thinking for one day... I've gotta go to Language Lab and get my ASL done so Prof. Renato doesn't spank me or something.

Good News, good days, and good friends

Yesterday morning, Bee and I woke up and went to Good News PCA. KristiKatt had told me all about the church and how it was packed full of hot/nice guys, and boy was she right. We sat through a church service and then headed down to the gym to get some free food and meet people. We sat at a table with four nice people (two boys and two girls) and they told us all about the small group they lead every Tuesday. After lunch was over, we threw away our trash and got ready for Andy to take us back to school. Bee was talking to a random cute guy so I walked over so I could meet him too. I nearly died when he told me his last name. Why, you ask? Because he was none other than my future husband's brother! Yes, the husband I met at the Chianti Room. Yes, the one who has a girlfriend. Yes, the one who I'll never actually date. But oh well, that's my life for you. Always have a crush on the unavailable ones. Ha, but anyways, Little Ward invited us to hang out this week and even offered to take us to his small group, which is held on Sundays I believe. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out which small group we'll be going to... (small group with some nice people or small group with my future husband? hmmm...) Well, little Ward offered to take us back to school but by that time, Andy already had the van pulled around so we had to decline. :( Maybe we'll hang out with him... and his hottie brother.... sometime this week.

Anywho, after church Andy took us back to school and we waited for Weegie and my boys to get here. When they got here we went to the park, the beach, and Chili's. I had probably one of the best days I've had in a long time. I really missed my boys and it was great just being with them. Running around, acting nuts, and getting lots of hugs and kisses. Soon, it was time for my babies to leave me again. They were getting tired and Carty starting feeling sick. :( So I had to let them go and came back up to my dorm for the rest of the night.

This is when the downward slope started. Honestly, I deserved to feel like crap for the next hour. I don't know what triggered it, but I had an entire hour of that pre-cry feeling. You know the one where you can't breathe properly and you know you're going to break down at any second? Yep, that's how I felt... but here's where the "good friends" part of this title comes in. I have this new friend. I met him this summer, oddly enough through a guy I no longer talk to (or at least I try not to talk to...). But this new friend, he's pretty amazing. It's almost like having another girl best friend (lol, but I swear he's not gay), he's just really good at listening and understanding. I was talking to him on fb chat and he knew that something was up. The best thing about him is the fact that he doesn't "ask" me what's wrong, he "demands" to know. It's not like "Do you want to tell me?", it's more "Tell me what happened." He does it in a way that's totally cool and not intrusive (if that's possible) and every time he does that I spill my guts. He knew what to say and made me feel better again. Then he had to go to bed, so I spent the next three? hours talking to Xander on Skype. (I mentioned you, happy now?) I had to go to bed around one because my STUPID college doesn't observe any holidays. (Other than stuff like Thanksgiving and Christmas) So I have class in two and a half hours. Time to go pick up the package from my mommy and then maybe take a nap. HOORAY for college...