I've found a better day. Not a perfect one, but better.

• We got "boo'd" aka someone gave us a big bag of candy.

• I went to math, which was boring as usual. But I do love Prof. Nickles.

• Went to lunch with J&J and ate some yummy chimichangas.

• V and I went to the writing center and I helped a foreign girl fix her English. It reminded me of all the little grammatical mistakes the Germans used to make. And she really appreciated my understanding.

• Then I had to go watch two stupid ASL videos. I really hate those movies.

• Went to A&J's room to borrow their vac. We just sat there and talked for a while which was really good because it reminded me that I do have friends other than B J&J here.

• SOON I'm going to the G's house to carve pumpkins!!!! I can't wait to see how big the baby is.
  

Keep Holding On

And we'll make it through...

Or so I hope.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to do this.


Just one more month til Thanksgiving.

MPA

This weekend I went back to Smallsville with my Loverface so we could watch our band babies preform at MPA. I was supposed to ride home from college with Loverface, but the college dining staff decided that they hate me and poisoned my food. No joke... I got food poisoning from the dining hall. Undercooked chicken or something of that nature. Erik (that's Mr B to you Smallsville band kids) told me to just boycott the dining hall for the next year, but seeing as it's the only place to eat I guess I can't do that...

Anyhoo (yes that's a real word, it's in the Oxford Dictionary)... I got food poisoning, so my mom and uncle came to get me Friday. I didn't go to a single class and only one of my stupid professors e-mailed me back. I got home, rested up, and waited for Lover to get there. Once she was there, we sat on my bed and talked for a long time. I love her. :) We texted the Schwahn once they got back from their football game and got two seats on the buses to festival, which made us both super excited. After a long time of talking, we finally went to bed and prepared for the next day's festivities.

Saturday - We woke up kinda early, ate, and got ready to head up to Smallsville High. We didn't want to get there to early because I know far too well how stressful MPA day can be. And sure enough, we got there and Schwahn was running around, the DMs were freaking, KT was a mess, and random bandies were asking stupid questions. Big Spicy and the love of my life, Erik, were super calm... probably because they had no clue what was going on. Schwahn gave the usual speeches and then I got kicked out (which was really weird) for the usual ceremony.
Loverface and I rode on Erik's bus and I really really loved being back in the band atmosphere There really is no other group of people anywhere around that have the same dynamic we do. Where else do you find 200+ teens working together for the same thing? It still amazes me even though I was a part of it for four years. We had to miss AHS' preformance because we were in warm-up, but I was rooting for Greggy and his minions. (They ended up getting an overall superior)
After warm-up, Loverface, D-Rok, the other alumni and I walked to the stadium to watch them go. We were all really excited to get to see them preform from such a different perspective. They, of course, did amazingly. I'm really proud of what they accomplished this year. I know it was really rough, and at times a superior seemed impossible. But accomplish they did, and they were awarded straight superiors. :)
After they preformed, we all went to sit with the band in the visitor's bleachers. We ate, watched other bands, heard the ratings, and headed home. I started feeling icky again while watching other people preform, but I got to sit next to Erik on the way home (thanks to my little Cuban friend) and we got to talk about everything from school to hurricanes.

Sunday was spent with mi madre, helping her out at a birthday party.

Being home is great, especially when I get to be around old friends. I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anyone when I'm there. Things are just like they used to be.... Z singing in my ear on the bus, Zube searching for me when he can't fix his jacket, Fun-size jumping on my back when I'm not paying attention to her. Heck, even D-Rok came and blocked the sun from my face when I was lying down. I didn't even have to ask him to stand there.

I miss high school, but Erik did a good job reassuring me that I'll find some friends among these drunken, demon worshipping, tobacco addicted people. Hopefully he was right.

Montag again

Yesterday was actually a lot of fun. :-)

I woke up, read a little for Art, and watched some TV on cast-tv.com.

Classes went smoothly. We went on a spontaneous art field trip (aka going to Wiley to see some obscura thing). History is always a good time. I love learning about the olden days. English was okay. Our intros were due, but mine sucked so I told Dr. Dan that I'd e-mail her a new one. She really liked it, so all is well. ASL is going good too. I went in front of class and signed some stuff.

J&J decided to skip class so we went to dinner right after ASL. Then we hung out in Ringhaver. Bethy had a meeting at 730 so I went back to our room and.... gasp..... practiced clarinet. I volunteered for the spring musical - Carousel, which is really good according to RayRy. He was excited when I told him that I volunteered. Anyhoo, after practicing, we all had a movie/dance party night in FEC. Stalking tower C, watching Music and Lyrics, and making a crazy dance video.

During this time, a certain person finally realized that I was upset with them. We talked about it and I bent wayyy to easily. Looking back at the conversation we had last night I now realize that you are no different than he was. "I'm not him". B.S. You are the same person and I'm not going to pretend like I did something wrong.

But I didn't let that little run-in ruin my night. I love my friends. :)

People

People disappoint me. I have high expectations for them and then they epically fail at meeting those expectations. I guess that just reaffirms my decision to ditch them. I'm done with the two of you, neither of you deserve any more chances. I am not going to fall asleep thinking about you guys or crying about y'all either. Sorry. Oh, and by the way, I finally clicked the delete button on that text thread. And I feel liberated. :)

Note to friends- the one thing I hate more than anything else is a liar. And keeping quiet about something is the same as lying. Don't tell me you don't do something if you really do. Just be freaking honest about it. Please. It'll save me.. and you... a lot of pain.

I used to lie about things to my parents all the time. I think I got a little joy out of it. But I've felt the other end of the deal now. Being lied to sucks more than anything and I doubt I'll ever be the same person I once was. No one really understands how bad that hurt. But I am turning my life around. Going to church, being good, living the life I know I should live. Promise.

Retail Therapy

It's a real thing.. look it up on Wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retail_therapy

We're heading over to J ville tomorrow for some serious shopping... Tonight was a good time. We rented The Proposal, bought candy, and danced around the towers. Bad part of today - having to get sprayed for termites for the SECOND time. This has gotten to be a serious problem and I'm definitely talking to Residence Life on Monday.

Also, I'm super excited because I'm going to marching festival with Loverface next weekend. I can't wait to see my babies in action!!!!!!!

Last night I found myself lying in bed reading through old texts, remembering what the summer was like. I found myself smiling and laughing at stupid things that were said either by me or by P as we texted his work day away. Rereading and remembering these times was not a good idea. Why? Well because I almost forgot what a jerk and a liar he is. I need to bring myself to click the delete button and not have anything left to remind me of those fake, happy times. What I really need is for him to admit that he was a jerk and a liar but that's never ever going to happen. So I need to find a different way to get over it.

My heart has been hurting lately. I spent most of today trying to figure out why, and I'm pretty sure I came up with the reason. It has nothing to do with P or X, I've come to accept the fact that neither of them were ever going to be right for me, but I'll still be friends with the both of them. My heart's pain has been caused by something different. I realized that I hurt the most on Saturday when I was watching my little bro go off to homecoming with all of his friends. I wanted more than anything in the world to be going with him. But I know that this time of my life is over. I won't ever get into uniform and march the halftime show again, nor will I ever dress up and go to a dance in the Smallsville gym. I should have figured all of this out a while ago, but it never hit me until now. It was a stab in the heart when I figured out that Smallsville goes on without me. My old friends still live their lives and I am less a part of them.

I really just want to be back there and be a part of the town again. Be able to do all the things I did in high school. I never would have imagined that I'd be one of those people. One of those people who can't let go of high school and move on with their life.

The problem is, I can't move on. There isn't anything to do here other than schoolwork and even that doesn't take up enough time. So I sit in my dorm or in the student center thinking about what I would be doing if I were still in high school. It really isn't healthy but there honestly isn't anything else to do. I've tried to connect with clubs and organizations. There aren't any worth my time. What to do, what to do?

Realizations/ Observations/ Random statements

Two fellow bloggers posted their observations so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and maybe add a few recent realizations too.

The girls down my hall think it's funny to steal, vandalize, and ding-dong ditch.

Apparently, quiet hours mean nothing here.

I'm always hungry because I don't have a kitchen.

Not having said kitchen makes me want to bake.

The one time I really need to get something done also happens to be the one time something that is apparently hilarious gets shared with my roomie.

Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you can't do any better, stop writing, and turn in the paper.

There is something seriously wrong with me when I am not happy with the 91 I got on my math test and the 92 I got on my English paper.

I hate Art, but I'm doing best in it.

I love my classes but hate the dorms. I don't know what to do about that.

I really do have a flavor of the week. Which has become a problem because I'm not used to the flavors wanting to be my pick.

You're never too old to take a nap... or miss your family.

Recently, I've felt the urge to put on dinkles and bibbers and run around like crazy.

When listening to a song I always associate a person with it. And it rarely makes sense.

I want to live in either Huntsville and send my kids to Randolph, or Smallsville and send them to all the schools I went to.

No matter how long friends have been apart, nothing will really change.

Sitting outside on a cool Florida night is soothing.

My pinky can predict the weather.

Ultimate Frisbee is the only sport I'm halfway decent at.

I will never marry Tim Tebow.

My first boy will be named Evan, no question about it.

If I ever got a tattoo it would be either a treble clef or an outline of a clover with "E.R.M." written in the leafs and it would go on my hip.

I am going to hate college until I graduate. Because I don't want to be in it.

I never realized how conservative I was until I got to college.

It's pretty sad that my greatest high school accomplishments are being marching band captain and almost winning biggest flirt.

Not knowing how things will turn out is killing me.

You're a Vanderbilt, and I'm a Buckley.

I still have an entire chapter of English to read and maybe a few pages of Art... so I better go do that.

Oops

I'm the kind of person who has to figure things out on her own. Everyone around me may be telling me one thing but if I disagree I'll go with my belief rather than anyone else's. I know it's bad and I shouldn't be like that. I should just believe what my friends/family says and save myself the trouble. I should have learned that my friends were right when the whole P thing happened. They were right about him, but I didn't listen. Look where that got me. P hates me for no reason and I wasted time hanging out with him. Still I didn't want to listen to anyone.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I now realize I'm wrong. I don't have the best judgment and I need to lean on my friends/family to tell me when I'm doing something right.

So I'm really trying to apologize to everyone that I took my feelings out on.

You were right about P and I should have listened especially when you persisted with your statements. Sorry.

You were right about the triangle of love. I do need God to be the tip. Sorry.

And to you guys, I am most sorry. I always take everything out on you and I'm trying to stop. I promise.


On a lighter note....

I got my "good life" essay back today and received a 92. Among the highest grades in the class. Thank you Ultimate Frisbee. :)

I also took a ASL test today. I think I got around a 97. My teacher definitely grades more leniently than I would, but I appreciate it.

I'm basically done with my History paper. Just one more page to go.

I got a 100 on my art test. So even though I hate the class, I excel in it.

I should be getting my math test back tomorrow. I hate that I learned all of this material in the 9th grade. It's really frustrating.

I'm still debating changing my major to just Elementary Ed. While I love ASL, I know that I'd hate it if I didn't have Prof. Ren. And all I really want to do is teach at a pre-k. So I don't see a point in taking extra classes.

I feel like the walls of this room are closing in on us. I think I'm going to see if Bee wants to go to Residential Life with me and see if we can move (together) in January to a bigger one.

That's it for now. I've got some math (if you can even call it that) to get done before tomorrow.

I am a writer...

"I was switched off like a light, a fighter with no fight..." so used to having everything on control, ruling the school with my iron fist. Known by everyone either as a friend or just by name. I wouldn't say I was a legend, I wasn't in the "popular" crowd, but I was popular in my crowd. The band kids. They all knew me, and I made it my job to know all of their names. When I was around my babies (as I called them) I was at home. It didn't matter if we were at school, sweating our asses off at camp, or getting stuck on 6 hour bus rides. What mattered was the fact that we were family. I grew up with brothers, but by the end of senior year I had sisters. Too many sisters to count. I still try to call or text all of them as often as I can. They put a smile on my face when I just want to cry and I can only hope I do the same for them. They cried when I graduated, understanding better than I what was about to happen. I was a happy go lucky graduate. Happy to be out of the clutches of Tolley and Spinner. Ready to make my own decisions and make my own way, or so I thought.

The summer of 09 went by fast, but not without it's own stress and drama. I guess I just had to fit in my last bit of high school drama and learn my last lesson before I went off into the unknown. Looking back, I only made one real mistake all summer. Pushing his advice out the window and pretending like I didn't care about him. He was and still is my best friend and just had my best interests at heart. No sooner did I realize my mistake than did I have to go. I packed my bags, bought school supplies, and headed off to college.

I arrived as I think any freshman does, ready to take on anything and everything. I was hyped. I was happy. I was ready. But boy was I in for a wake up call. Never in my life had I had a teacher who didn't know who i was the second I walked into class. The fact that none of my professors knew, or cared, scared me. The semester began and I worked and worked. Essays here, math there, art analysis way over there. The first few weeks I was happy. When not in class I hung out with bethy, jessi, and Jor Jor. We laughed together, made up nicknames for random people, and poked fun. Until one day "I switched off like a light..." I didn't want to do anything but cry. You know how you always pick out one phrase and repeat it when you're crying? Well my phrase was "I don't belong here, I can't do this." I just laid in bed and cried. I didn't want to tell anyone about my problems. But of course my best friend, the same one I wronged during the summer, was there to comfort me. He knew I was a "fighter with no fight". I wanted more than anything to be happy, but I had no plan, no tactics to get back to where I was.

Well, somehow I got out of my weeklong crying stage. I fully believe (and you're free to think whatever you want) that it had solely to due with the prayer. The prayers I was praying and the ones everyone else was praying too. I lifted myself up to the mercy of God and my tears were dried. I am, once again, happy to be here. I am ready to take this school by storm. I am not and never have been one to give up. I am not one to sit back and wait for happiness to find me. I go out and get it. I get what I want. Now, I'm not saying God was the only one who helped me find myself again. It was also the DEKAC, my mom, Auntie B and Mommy N, X, and oddly enough, Gossip Girl. That little superficial show is focusing on college freshman this season. Upper East Siders who are used to having it all are having to go out and make a new name for themselves. My stuggle is much like Blair's. She is just now getting out of her slump with the help of my personal favorite, Chuck Bass. But unlike Blair, I do not have one Chuck. I have many. Some are more evident in my life than others. But all contributed.

"Somehow you saw someone worth saving, You pulled me back into the light. Now if ever I can rescue you,
When you need two arms to fall into
You know exactly where I'll be
Just look for me."

Brought to you by; Jake Epstein's Rescue You & a girl who has a passion for writing.

What is your view of work?

That is the question my English Comp professor asked my classmates and I this afternoon. The second the chalk left the board hands and eyebrows were raised. You see, Dr. B has made a habit out of writing a question on the board, telling us to answer it, and not answering any question we have until after we write. The first time she did this, I must admit, I was scared. But now I understand her purpose. She wants to get us out of the habit of always having to know exactly what is being asked. She wants us to make our own interpretations and write about the first thing that comes to our minds. Since I understand her point, I began writing and did my best to ignore the whispers coming from my classmates. Here's what I came up with:

What is your view of work?

First, let me define work. Work is anything one puts time into in order to achieve a goal. Work can range to the simplest tasks (such as making a bed) to the more complex tasks (such as writing a paper or managing a business). Every form of work has its rewards, looking nice, feeling good, earning enough money for that Ferrari, but it can also have its consequences, spending less time with the people one care about, having to do something one would rather not do.
But not all work has to be tangible. Relationships, for example, are work. Marriages, friendships, dating, and even family ties take work. They take time and effort and, in the end, can bring one great joy. Based on my definition, everything one does in any given day is work. Every task one performs takes a little but of time and helps achieve a goal. That goal may be getting the mail, passing a test, dating the quarterback, or getting that job. In other words, each goal is different, but each takes work. Work is inescapable. One must do it everyday, whether they realize that it is work or not.

That's what I wrote. What surprised me was how superficial and surface level my classmates' answers were. They didn't think about anything besides money. They were selfish in their answers. I couldn't connect with any of them. I guess it's just the AP Lit/Lang inside of me that tries to look at the bigger picture and dive deeper into topics. Am I the only one who views work in the more philosophical way?

I had almost forgotten how to laugh and smile for long periods of time... almost. But I remembered this weekend. (I'm writing this in the past tense because today will consist of cleaning and writing papers, no fun stuff) I remembered what it is like to be happy, to want to go out and conquer the world, to have plans, to be content with where I am. It's an amazing feeling. The thought of transferring hasn't really crossed my mind in ages. (if a week counts as ages)

Freitag, J&J, Bee, and I went to the VA room to watch Five Times August. We weren't really sure how they were going to be and were a little hesitant to go, but once they began the show we all fell in love. The main singer, Brad, was the only one who played this particular show. Sadly, he has a wedding ring. But his voice made me feel like butter and he was the heat, melting me with every word (that feeling isn't foreign to me, something else makes me do that too). After the concert, we went to the merch table, bought cd's, took pictures, ("accidently" grazed his butt), and then went downstair to Bugg's. We sat around laughing until we realized how late it was.

Saturday = <3

Either Thursday or Friday (can't remember which) X told me that Smallsville HS was having a swim meet against SAHS. I was sooo excited to go! He gave me the address and J&J drove us there. Driving there was a little scary. Take DeLeon, multiply it by one hundred, and that's what we had to drive through to get to the beautiful YMCA swimming complex. Bee and I walked in, sat down, and watched everyone swim. It took everyone besides X a while to figure out that I was there. I was called an "alumni" for the first time ever (weirddd!) and got to see a lot of my old friends.

After the meet, Mrs E practically insisted on taking us to lunch. (first rule of college: never turn down free food). We ate at this wonderful French Pastry shoppe (I just realized the irony in that... but that's a different story). After lunch, we walked around town. Just me, X, and Bee. Some moments are bittersweet. But I'll take that little dose of bitterness if I get all the sweetness I've been wanting. (that's also another story)

After X left... :( .... We went to Bugg's and sat with J&J and their sister Jenny. We waited around to see if Starbucks man was going to show (he didn't) and then we went to the outlets and shopped for a little bit. I got a really cute sweatshirt. Jenny had to leave, so I came back up to my dorm and waited for my Loverface to come. She got here, we talked, ate delicious pizza, went to see Fame, and then stopped by Lyd's house. Fame made me miss music and high school soo much. Those kids are so talented and got to do what they loved everyday. I got to do that in h.s. too. Lyd suggested borrowing music, going out on the streets, and playing clarinet. I think I just might, if she'll play viola with me.

*Funny sidenote* Lyd and Lor have a kitten named Tobi. The second they told us his name, Lover and I looked at each other and laughed... remembering German Tobi. I then remembered that Juno song "I've never met a Tobi that I didn't like." *I guess it wasn't that funny...*

Now for a short announcement from our sponsers.

ATTENTION SMALLSVILLERS - I am coming home for homecoming weekend. If you would like to make plans with me, please contact my people.. (better known as my facebook or iPhone).
I apologize, but my Friday night, Saturday late night, and Sunday evening have already been claimed. This means that my time is limited. Please only book one session, unless you know I'm not talking to you when I say that. Thank you.

Ich liebe mein leben

(I love my life)

I'm even more into using random Deutsch phrases now. I spent an hour this morning talking to Jules, who is still in high school in Gladbach. I can't believe how much I miss the exchange students. I had such a good time when they were here. We talked about everything from college to Tobi to wanting to visit each other. I really wish I could go to see Chri Chri and the exchange students sometime soon, but alas, those plans fell through.

Anyways, I do love my life. I've had a great week. Sure it started off rough, having to leave my house and come back here, but it's gotten better. I had a great time getting some sun at the beach yesterday, even though Bee thought it would be funny to splash my phone. I guess she was trying to hint at the fact that I'm addicted to it. I'm trying to get better about that, but it's a process and will take a little while.

Today, being Freitag, was naturally a good day. My art test wasn't nearly as hard as I expected it to be. I got my history test back and received an 88%. My teacher saw my nervous face when I was getting my test handed to me and assured me that I did great. He's a funny guy. We didn't do much in English (wow, big surprise) and in ASL Renato gave us a quiz (which I aced), gave us back our test (95%), and told us about the first time he got drunk. It was a hilarious story. It never ceases to amaze me how funny this man can be without uttering a single word.


Tonight, Five Times August is having a free concert in the VA room so Bee, J&J and I are gonna go check it out. If it's lame, we'll just go downstairs and chill like we do every other night.

Tomorrow, I might be going to S.A.H.S. for their swim meet vs Smallsville High. J&J are taking me since their stipulation was met. :) I just have to find a ride back... After the meet J&J's sister is coming and we'll probably go see my husband at work. And then LOVERFACE IS COMING! We're going to check out the new theater and see Fame. I can't wait!!! I just saw her Sunday, but I feel like it's been forever. Sunday, I'm probably going to GN PCA with JC, but I've gotta call her because she missed ASL today. Hope she's feeling okay. I don't wanna miss a second opportunity to see my husband this week!

I can't wait for the weekend to begin!!!!!!!!

:)

Right now I'm listening to a playlist I made entitled "The Epic Concert I Have to Miss". It is made up of all the songs I have by The Maine, Boys Like Girls, and A Rocket to the Moon. I can't believe that the ONE time ARTTM decides to have a concert near me, I can't go. I have to go on a stupid field trip for art class. Field trip? I mean really? Are we in elementary school? Nein, we are in COLLEGE. (I've been randomly sticking German in my sentences lately and I have no idea warum.) Anyways, since I can't go to the concert, I decided to just make a playlist and listen to it everyday until I finally get sick of them. I hope it works.

What else? hmmm.... Well I decided that I shouldn't be nice to people who dislike me anymore. They take advantage of my niceness and go back to complaining just like they used to do. It's really annoying. I think I'll listen to Vern's advice. "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." I'm not going to put up with it anymore. I'll just be friends with the people who take care of my heart.

Today has been a pretty smiley day. Math class was a good time. My professor finally knows my name and likes me. He made a mistake today and I corrected him, so he knows I'm smart. He'll wink at when he asks someone else a question because he knows I know the answer. After math, I came back to my room and wrote a paper about the Holocaust seminar I went to last night. I'm still really interested in the holocaust, so my paper took two seconds to do. If there was a major called "History of the Holocaust" I'd do that instead. It's fascinating. As soon as J&J get out of class we're all going to the beach. I'm really excited because I haven't been since the last time I went with X. I know it won't be the same as Playa but I'm still excited.

I've been smiling all day. I wish that smile was caused by a sudden realization that I love it here. Mostly because I'd be a less terrible person. But I deserve to be happy to. I've waited patiently for something good to happen in my life. And here it is. :)

Now I must go get ready for the BEACH!!!! YAY!!!!!


p.s. I'm going to NYC with my Mamma and Daddy this winter. Which Broadway should I see??? I've already seen Wicked, Lion King, Grease, Mama Mia, and Jersey Boys.

iPhone fun and other things

I just got this app on my iPhone so I can update my blog from my bed...when I should really be asleep. I shouldn't drink espresso after 5, but I do it anyways. Today actually turned out to be decent. My classes were all really chill. Art was bearable for once, history is always a good time, and my group in English won our scavenger hunt. It still kills me that 3/5 of these classes would be waived at any state school. But I chose this, so I'll deal. The thought of transferring is still in my head, but I feel like I need something profound to happen for me to justify moving. Not just I miss my family and friends. Who knows, maybe the idea will go away.

Random question: Has something ever made you really happy even though you know it shouldn't? Because that's what happened today. I've been smiling ever since I heard something. I know I'm a terrible person because in a way, I'm enjoying someone elses pain, but I can't help it. I'm happy. I'll be happy if nothing more happens than what I was told. I feel bad for this smile, but I'm going to keep it.

Another question: I said I hated someone a few posts ago. But do I really hate them if we can have a civilized conversation? And if I immediately diss out advice when they ask for it via text? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's just my time to have everything go right. Maybe it's my time to smile. I did the right thing (in both situations) and now I'm being rewarded... Maybe.

Anywho, it's thursday. Tomorrow is a free concert, Saturday my loverface is coming!!! And sunday I'm going to GN PCA with JC. I like having weekend plans. I really need to hit the hay now though.... With a smile on my face, even if that smile is wrong. :)