...

Ask me something, tell me something. It's anonymous.
http://www.formspring.me/flagleridian13

Apparently this is all the rage at Smallsville High. I have to admit, it's a cool concept for a world that wants to know everything but is too afraid to ask.

I'm going home tomorrow (that is, if English Comp doesn't kill me), and I couldn't be more excited.

I wish you knew how much it hurts when you shove things like this in my face. It's not that I don't want you to be happy, because I do. It's just that I wish I could have that kind of happiness before you do. I wish you understood why I feel like this. I wish you understood why I get so mad at you all the time. I wish we could be friends again, just friends. But that's never going to happen.

But most of all, I wish I could rewind the clock and go back to the summer where it all changed. I would not have to change much. Just one day here and one day there. They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, but I have yet to see that. Because it's killing me inside and I'm not getting any stronger.




"I wonder if there will ever be a day where I forget all about you. And I wonder if when that day comes, I'll be happier or just heartbroken."

Once upon a time words never hurt me, change never killed me, love never broke me, fear never shook me, and my hopes never faded. I never broke down and I was always happy. Once upon a time... I'm ready to be the girl I was. The one who never cried, never worried about love, and never got mad at stupid things.

Once upon a time I was warned and once upon a time I promised myself that I would listen to those warnings. Oops.



Okay, I'm done. That's the last time I'll dedicate a post to this. I give you permission to smack me if I ever do this again. Seriously.

Swiped

I swiped this from "Notebook Doodles", a freaking amazing blog. And now I'm filling it out because I really don't want to read this book for English.

1. what is your current obsession?
hmm... Hulu. On boring days (a.k.a. everyday) I watch old episodes of my favorite shows.

2. what are you wearing today?
Jeans, a black cami, an American Eagle pink shirt, a black jacket, red fuzzy socks, and black Uggs

3. what’s for dinner?
I ate pasta with marinara sauce and drank an Arnold Palmer

4. what’s the last thing you bought?
Good question....

5. what are you listening to right now?
The noise of downtown St. Auggie

6. what do you think about the person who tagged you?
She didn't really tag me... but she makes amazing doodles

7. if you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Greece would be awesome... but if I was expected to live in the house forever, I'd say T-ville

8. one thing you wanna change about yourself?
Be more decided in my decisions (if that makes any sense)

9. if you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
GERMANY!

10. which language do you want to learn?
Greek

11. what’s your favourite quote?
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through." Nicholas Sparks.

12 . would you cook for me?
Depending on who's asking and what they want

13. what is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Just ignore them..

14. what are you afraid of the most?
Failure. and being alone

15. who do you want to meet right now?
my future self

16. what is your favourite color?
Purple! and blue... and green

17. give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
Boots are great, all the time.
Make sure your leggings are paired with a dress, not a shirt.
Choose the outfit, then do your hair to match it. It's easier that way.

18. what is your dream job?
Mom
Or Preschool owner

19. what’s your favorite magazine?
Seventeen

20. if you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
Clothes. and phone accessories

21. what do you consider a fashion faux pas?
Visible undergarments!! Or super low-riding jeans

22. who according to you is the most over-rated writer?
Even though I love Eclipse.. Stephenie Meyer

23. what brings a smile on your face instantly?
Babies. Or mail in my college mailbox

24. a word that you say a lot?
blatantly, or super

25. what kind of haircut do you prefer?
One that's easy to manage, but looks good

26. what are you going to do after this?
Shower

27. what do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
Cry. Listen to music. Talk to someone on the internets

28. what makes you go wild?
Nothing really

29. what are your favourite movies?
The Notebook, P.O.T.O., Peter Pan

30. what inspires you?
Beauty in the world around me

31. what do your friends call you most commonly?
Em or Emmy

32. would you prefer coffee or tea?
Tea

33. which other blogs do you love visiting?
All of the ones listed in my side bar...

34. favorite dessert/sweet?
Kinder Chocolates!!!

35. how many tabs are turned on in your browser right now?
Two

36. when you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Why am I awake?

37. favorite season?
autumn

38. one wish that you really want to see it come true?
To be content

39. what breaks your heart?
Hurting children. Whether they're sad, injured, abused, confused. Any kind of hurt

40. what's one thing you really want to do in life?
Make a difference in the life of a child. I don't care what child, just someone.

Steps towards a decision

I told my parents and my friend Rachael about my debate (because they need to know, and she's been there before). So now I have some good support and people to talk to. I also started taking the necessary steps towards deciding what I want to do..... Pro/Con lists, E-mailing transfer services at the U, Starting an application (I can always tell them I changed my mind), figuring out what would transfer and what wouldn't, etc.

I also told my h.s. friends about it too. They always give me a hard time about not ever telling them anything, and I figured I need their help too, so why not?

The weird thing is, I've been slightly happier today and yesterday. But I don't know if that's because I know I have a way out, or because I really am happy. I guess I'll never really know.

It's really hard knowing what to do. Because it's hard to imagine exactly what it would be like if I did leave. I know I'll miss my friends like crazy. But is not wanting missing my friends enough to make me stay and maybe be unhappy?? I guess I'll figure it out in time.


On a side note: Babysitting was fun. BuG has gotten a LOT bigger since the last time I saw him. He's getting ready to crawl!! I think he's teething though, so he was very fussy. After he went to bed, Paul and I watched Tropic Thunder, the Hangover, and some of The Venture Brothers.... that's what happens when people don't get back til 2am.

24 Hours

I had 24 tearless hours this weekend. From Friday night until Saturday night. My stomach didn't hurt, I didn't feel like getting sick, and I wasn't really sad. I still wanted to be at home, but not so badly that I balled.

But nothing lasts forever, and those hours are long gone.


I wish someone would hand me a piece of paper with the answer on it. Just a one word answer: stay or go.

I don't want to feel like a failure for going, but I don't want to feel like I'm settling if I stay.

Someone please help me make it through these next 11 weeks.

6 and 4

Yep.

It's weird, because I wake up happy after falling asleep miserable.

Can't it be March? Because March I can deal with.

I just want to go home.

5 and 3

Today marks the fifth day of my stomach ache. I really don't know what is making it hurt so badly. Every time I go to eat, the sharp pain comes back and just as I am beginning to get tired, it worsens. I wish I knew how to solve things like that.

Today also marks the third time I've woken up after crying myself to sleep. I honestly have no idea why. Because during the day I'm happy here and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be. But at night something comes over me and tears start streaming down my face. I'd really rather not talk about it, so please don't make me. The second I try to come up with an explanation, it starts again. I hate it. I never used to do this.

Please, please, please believe me when I say I love it in St. Auggie. I love it at Flagler. I don't want to go to school anywhere else. But as Sherwood says, "I miss home and I miss you. When there's no one around and nothing to do." It's only when I'm alone that I'm sad.

But enough of that, one thing that I'm super excited for is babysitting Saturday. My friend Paul and I are headed over to Paul's brother's house to babysit his son. I can't wait to see how much bigger he's gotten!!

Things that irk me:
Crying for no reason (so again, don't freaking ask)

Things that make me smile:
Babies
Lifelong friends

Confusion and Trust

Ever since I can remember, I've been a planner. I've had a plan for life, love, school, the future, everything. I guess I should say I'm a dreamer... since you can't really plan any of those things. But the problem with being a dreamer comes when you start believing your dreams. When you forget what's real and what's not. In elementary school I used to dream about my future husband, I'd meet him in high school and we'd date off and on until we finally got married when I was 20 and he was whatever just like every other married couple I can think of at the moment. In my dreams, I never went to college, or if I did, it definitely wasn't for four years, I didn't ever work, I never studied, I just lived that happy life everyone dreams of.

Problems with my dreams: I started believing them. But I didn't "on and off" date anyone in high school. I don't know any boys here either. I am in college and will be here until graduation. I have to study.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy here. I just wish I was able to trust God more than I do. I'm starting to read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and I hope that'll help. I need to remember that His plan is a million times better than my dreams. He'll make everything happen in His own time, not in my time. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. He carries me through the most troublesome times in my life. He is always there and has planned this all out before. So why can't I just trust Him? I know that I'll look back on this in a few years and laugh. I'll be living the life that is best for me. But until then, I'll worry about what the future holds.

I'm happy. Genuinely happy. But these thoughts are always in the back of my mind.

Dear God,
Please help me to trust you more.

Things that irk me:
Confusing friendships

Things that make me smile:
The concert next month

Crashing Point

Why is it that as soon as my life starts looking up, as soon as I'm finally happy, the world around me comes crashing down? Everyone I know seems to be hurting in some way or another and it sucks because I feel bad for being happy. I want things back to the way they were, but that won't happen until people apologize and make amends.

The only thing I have that makes me not feel like crap is God. But I'm not eloquent enough to know what to say to Him. It really kinda sucks. I want to have fun!!!!

Things that irk me:
This

Big Fears

Today is the day I begin to conquer on of my longest lasting fears... public speaking. Ever since I can remember, I've always been a terrible public speaker. When giving presentations, I'll have everything figured out and memorized, but when I get in front of the group, I freeze. I forget everything and I look like a moron. The funny thing is, when I'm teaching this doesn't happen. Senor Husted used to make me teach Spanish class so I could get the experience of being in front of a group of eager learners. I would stand in front of them all block long and go on and on about how to conjugate verbs without a problem. So I'm hoping that if I view my speech class as my students, and my speech as the most important lesson they'll ever learn, I'll be fine. We'll see how that goes though.

Public speaking isn't my only fear. I have other rational and irrational ones ranging from bees to sharks to being alone to car accidents to low flying planes....

Low flying planes is a peculiar one. I'm not, nor have I ever been, afraid to fly. I love flying, not only because it's quicker and more efficient, but because it's fun. But when I'm standing on the ground and a plane flys over my head I have a mini panic attack. Every single time. I think they're coming in too fast, too low, at too wide of an angle. Now I know exactly where this fear originates. Back in elementary school, shortly after 9/11, someone decided it would be a good idea to tell me that the government had found an Al Qaeda list stating planned attacks on the U.S. They then told me that the Space Center was on that list. Now, at that age I wasn't wise enough to be able to tell if this person was joking or not. And that is definitely not something anyone should joke about. To this day, I still haven't been able to shake that fear though. Everyday, I'd drive to THS and take a quick glance across the river, making sure KSC was still there. Everytime a plane flys overhead, I stand still waiting for a crash. I know that Tyco is near my house and chances are, every single one of those planes is scheduled to land there. I know that KSC would be a stupid attack site. But still, it's stuck with me.

The rest of my fears make sense. Bees sting. Sharks bite and have bitten friends of mine. Everyone is afraid of being alone. Car accidents have killed people I love. But I'm hoping to conquer planes and public speaking sometime in the near future.

I really don't know why I shared that with you. I guess I needed to stop thinking about it and write it down.

Things that make me smile:
Late night life chats
Olive Garden dates

Things that irk me:
Awkward moments

Hold Your Dream, Be My Escape

Have you ever disliked someone just because everyone else did? Have you ever not given someone a chance because of their reputation? Have you ever shunned someone just because other people were shunning them? Sure you have. I think almost everyone has. But how about next time, instead of joining everyone you do the right thing. Give them the chance they deserve. Please. I did and now I'm happier because of it.

Classes went pretty well today. My LC is going to do a great job linking all of the courses together and I'm definitely excited to start learning about education. Let's hope tomorrow goes as well.

"Countless hours of learning more, countless hours of knowing less..."

"I fought You for so long, I should have let You in.
Oh, how we regret those things we do.
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin, but so were You."

Overachiever

This isn't how I pictured things would be when I got back. But I've always been the type to daydream about the perfect world and then be disappointed when that dream doesn't come true. The difference this time is I'm not sure whether I'm happier with reality or if I'd be happier with the dream. I guess I'll figure that out once I get into the real swing of things.

I've also realized that you can't be on everyone's good side. No matter how hard I try to be nice to everyone, I can't be everyone's best friend. I guess I finally understand what Clare was talking about when she said she wasn't sure who she was anymore. Now that I can be anyone I want, who do I want to be?


Things that irk me:
Being Co-President of the Confused Club

Things that make me smile:
Laura Ingalls Wilder
My baby boys

REBECCA ROSENBERG!

Hi.... I love you. (Teehee...I had to do that. The next thing has nothing to do with Becca)

I'm pretty sure I deserve an apology. I don't care if it wasn't a "boozefest." I care that you don't understand why I didn't stop by to say bye. I care that you don't think you owe me an apology. I guess I really shouldn't be surprised. This isn't anything new.

Sorry, I had to get that out.

I'm definitely glad to be back with my friends. I know I've said that quite a few times already, but it's true. Classes start tomorrow and I can't wait to start learning more about education. It'll be loads of fun.

Things that irk me:
People that don't give second chances.
How I can't help but give out third, and fourth, and tenth chances.

Things that make me smile:
My friends here.

Being Back

It feels freaking fantastic to be back at school. Today is my first day back, but I don't feel right yet because my best friend/twin doesn't get back until late tonight. But I'm surprising her at the airport!

Sleeping was no fun last night. Bethany and I switched beds so now I'm up on the top bunk. Don't ask me how I got through 6 years of summer camp without ever having to sleep up top, but I somehow managed it. It's kinda sad that it was such a frightening experience. I kept waking up in fear that I'd fall out. But I think I'll get over that fear pretty quickly.

After I finally got up, Becca, Max, and I checked-in at the Student Center and then went to brave the d-hall together. The food actually wasn't half-bad (knock on wood), but that's probably because none of us attempted the hot food line. We stayed in the d-hall for a while catching up until the smell food started to get to us. On our way out we ran into Mattheus, Bret, and Nicholas for the first time since I've been back. I think we're all hanging out tomorrow. And we're going to the Ville to play laser tag Monday.

Now I'm going downstairs to welcome Ames back and see what everyone is up to. I can't wait to see the look on Jill's face when I show up with Lauren at the aeroport!!

Things that irk me:
Sh** cell phone service

Things that make me smile:
German boys (especially ones named Pascal)

Secrets, Secrets

Are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone....

Except when I'm the only one who gets to know. And when it makes me feel special to be trusted.

Things that irk me:
Unexpected drama

Things that make me smile:
Resolved drama

Both of those things have happened in the past hour.

Just in case... http://www.formspring.me/flagleridian13

Hello school, how have you been?

Well, I'm officially moved in again and am waiting for Nikki and Nicholas to get back from Target so we can hang out. It's definitely nice to be back, but it'll take some getting used to. I forgot how small my closet was and how organized I have to be to keep everything together. I'm excited for everyone to get back tomorrow. A month is wayyy too long without my new best friends/twin. Classes start again on Wednesday and I think this semester will be pretty easy. The only thing I'm definitely NOT looking forward to is speech. Anyone that has ever had a class with me understands how much public speaking frightens me. If I don't have every single word written out I freeze up and forget what to say. The only time I didn't freeze up was when I was giving my senior speech at the band awards, but that was because I was speaking from my heart about something I truly knew. Let's just hope my professor is lenient with the grades.

I think I'm going to add this next section to every blog I write.... and I'll put a couple new things down each time.

Things that irk (to make weary, irritated, or bored
synonyms: annoy) me:
Awkward combination of people, especially boys
Drunken late night texts/phone calls

I absolutely hate when people change plans around without telling me about it. And then I feel terrible when someone gets left out because of all the stupidity. Tonight has just really reaffirmed my desire to be back at school.

If you don't include today, my past few days have been pretty good. Although it's been below freezing for wayyy too long!! I live in Florida for a reason, because I HATE the cold, gray skies of winter. All they make you want to do is sleep and eat.

But let's see... the past few days I went shopping with Kelly, went to a soccer with William and Van, made gingerbread houses with Juan, Bryan, and Kelly, helped teach preschool and aftercare, babysat, took super long naps, had a disc gun war with Bryan, Kelly, and Kavita, ate at McDonald's four times in three days..yikes... once with Kelly, once with William, once with Juan, and once with Mom, and went to that new taco place Quillen's (which was pretty good, but not great).

The only thing I want to do before I leave for school is spend some more time with my boys. And I believe that will be accomplished tomorrow at Carty's birthday.

Crazy.....

Today I began to wonder what I sound like to my readers. And I realized that I probably sound like a total nutcase, which I admittedly am. Sometimes I do and say crazy things, but it's all just because I'm trying to find myself. So, I promise, I don't belong in a mental facility nor am I on medication. I'm just an average girl using this blog to get out my emotions that would otherwise remain bottled up.


The past several days have been quite pleasant.
I've gotten to hang out with my babies, who are all getting cuter and cuter by the second.
I had a sleepover with my mommy, because we're weird like that.
I "helped" Mausam pack up for college.
I watched some HILARIOUS Indian Youtube videos.
I went to "frisbee", which turned out to be "let's all sit around in a circle and talk" time. During which I began to fix things with an old friend.
I continued talking to that friend in the days following frisbee and think that everything is finally good again.
I spent some quality time with mi familia.

And tomorrow, Kelly and I are going shopping.

2010 is already a zillion times better than 2009 ever was. And I'm really hoping it stays that way.

Faith, Trust, and a little Pixie Dust

It takes those three things and a little strength for a girl to finally realize that not everyone can read your mind. There is no such thing as Edward Cullen. No one can tell exactly what you're thinking or why you're mad at them without you spelling it out for them. It takes strength to ask a question, trust in yourself to know you'll be okay no matter what, faith in God that He'll lead you the right way, and pixie dust for good measure. It took all four of those for us to speak. To finally fix things. And to realize what will and will not happen this time. I'm trusting you, so please don't let me down. I'm happy again. Happy that we're friends. Let's try to keep it that way. Thanks.

Most of my friends have already gone back to college/high school. So I'll be spending my days alone. But I get to go home in 5 days and I couldn't be happier. Especially since I'll be going back happy.

2010 has gotten a wonderful start.


Note to self: Invest in some makeup remover. This "waterproof" mascara makes me look like I have a black eye after I shower.

Happy Birthday Blog!!!

It's my blog's first birthday today. A spur of the moment creation has turned into my lifeline this past year. I never would have imagined how much this blog has helped me get through. It helps me stay in touch with friends and family, and it also helps me say things I've always wanted to say. Thank you blog for the past 365 days. And may we be together another 365.


Now that Christmas Break is almost over, I'm ready to go home. To the place where my best friend, Jill, understands my obsessions.

Where Becca will sit and have late night heart-to-hearts because she's been where I am.

Where Amy knows exactly what to say... and when she should be like a Grandma...

Where Nikki and Lauren are there to laugh.

Where Max can tell with one look exactly what I need him to do... walk, talk, text, make everyone leave me alone, let me go to bed, take us to Steak N Shake...

Where Nicholas, Bret, and Dakota know how to make me laugh so hard that I can't get food into my mouth.

College is a weird thing. It's a time full of change. I can feel my friends changing. My high school friends are drifting away, not all of them, but a lot of them. We're all changing into the people we want to be for the rest of our lives. In high school, I never felt like I was on the outside looking in. But in college I somehow feel more accepted. People are different there. And I definitely can't wait to go back. There's less drama and I like it.

Only one more week!!