It's a gift and a curse

In the recent years I've realized that there is something about my personality that screams "Tell me everything! I'm a good listener!" Or something along those lines. Because it seems like every day or so someone comes up to me to either a) complain, b) tell me something I probably shouldn't know, c) ask me for advice, or d) tell me the latest piece of gossip.

It can be a gift, but it also can be a curse. The curse part comes in when people ask me to keep a secret or complain to me too much. It's not that I'm bad at keeping secrets, it's just that I have a hard time not laughing when people tell me something I already know when I'm supposed to be pretending like this is all new information.

What am I talking about???

Well let's take a super recent event - The Party - and apply it to my "gift" or whatever. By now, most people have probably heard one side about the party. But I may be one of a max of 5 people that know the other side too.

Let's start at the beginning. I found out about this party a couple weeks ago and I was a little irked to say the least. High schoolers can be real retards sometimes. And then the day of the party, yesterday, the host invited me (did he really think I would go?) and kept talking about it the whole time we were at frisbee. (There's a big mistake - don't talk about parties like that in front of a lot of people).

Anyways, the night of the party came and I was out babysitting. I couldn't believe how many people's facebook statuses were about the party and being excited to go. Well a crapload of people showed up, cars were lined all down the street, and people were getting as drunk as ever. (See, people love telling me every last detail). Then around 1030 I guess, the cops came and busted the party, sent kids home, and threatened to press charges against other kids. People were ratted out for things they didn't do, other people stepped forward and lied in order to get their friends saved, and some people ran.

That's the side of the story everyone knows...

The side most people don't know? I knew about the cops.... at 6pm. Four hours before they arrived, four hours before anyone had any knowledge of what was coming for them. Like I said, people just like telling me things. A friend of mine called me and told me of their plan to get it busted. And I didn't warn anyone. Why? Because it's about time they learned their lesson. I didn't want to give anyone the chance to get out and think they beat the system. Am I sorry for the innocent people who may get in trouble? Yes. But am I sorry in general? No.

I won't be telling anyone who called. Because it's really none of your business. Just learn your lesson and move on. No one in invincible. Not even "THE AE".

That's just one example of this gift thing I have. People tell me things before they happen all the time. And I sit laughing when I hear about them after. I guess I really am just your average Gossip Girl.

And one last thing, before you go accusing me of keeping quiet out of spite or revenge. Realize that you're not as great as you think you are. I would have done the same thing to anyone. I was praying, before I got that 6pm phone call, for the safety of everyone. And if this is God's way of keeping you guys safe, so be it. I'm not one to argue with the Creator of the Universe.

Peace out. See you in 2010.

Going with the theme

A 2009 Survey....

I decided to post this here. Mostly because I'm rather bored, but don't feel like talking to anyone.


JANUARY:
Where did you go on new year's?
- My house. For the annual festivities.

Who kissed you on new year's?
- No one. Besides mi familia of course.

Did you have a New Year's Resolution this year?
- Actually, yes. For the first time ever. This year I am planning on listening to my friends when they tell me something. Because they always end up being right.

Does it snow where you live?
- Once in the 6th grade... but generally not.

Do you like hot chocolate?
- Of course!!

FEBRUARY:

Who was your Valentine?
- Christopher, Dargan, Clare, and Mausam.

When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class?
- Yes, it was a requirement. But I paid careful attention to who got which card.

What did you receive for valentine's day?
- A homemade dinner from my best friend.

MARCH:

Are you irish?
- Indeed, 1/4.

What did you do for St Patrick's Day?
- Went to school?

Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
- We don't really have winter in Florida. As the Jonas Brothers say "It's always summertime"

APRIL

Do you like the rain?
- Not really

Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
- No

Do you celebrate 4/20?
- No, I don't. And I think it's ridiculous

Do you love the month of April?
- It's okay. But this coming year, it'll be fantastic.

MAY

What is your favorite flower?
- The expensive girl inside me shouts ROSES

Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day?
- Nope. I didn't even know that existed

JUNE

What year did/will you graduate from high school?
-2009. And I graduated in May, not June.

Did you do anything fun during this Month?
- I went to NSB with my best friends. And hung out with Adam, which was fun at the time.

JULY

What did you do on the 4th of July?
- Went to the Forbes' house

Did you go to the fireworks?
- Nope

AUGUST

Did you have a sunburn?
- Nope. I used sunscreen when I stole Alex's beach pass.

Did you go to the pool a lot?
- I have a pool, so no.

SEPTEMBER

Are you attending college/​​​​​​​​​school?​​​​​​​​​
- College.

Do you like fall better than summer?
- I think I will now.

OCTOBER

What was your favorite thing(s)about this month?
- Let's see.... swim meets, homecoming football games, marching band festival, family weekend. It was all good at the time.

What were you for Halloween?
- Nothing. I haven't done that since middle school.

What did you do for Halloween?
- Hung out with my mom/dad/brother.

NOVEMBER

Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
- This year, our house and Grandma's. Usually it's that or the Romer's.

What are you thankful for?
- My family, friends, and the love they give me.

DECEMBER

Do you celebrate Christmas?
- Yes, yes, yes.

Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe?
- Never ever.

Get anything special last year?
- Last year? I don't remember that far back.

What do you want this year?
- This year I just wanted clothes. And a ticket to Germany. But you know...

What do you love most about December?
- Cooler weather, family, friends, and no school.

RANDOMS

How Many People Did You Claim as Boyfriend/​​​​​​​​​Girlfriend?​​​​​​​​​
- Throughout the year? I suppose 2. The other 2 never made it that far.

Did You Get Dumped This Year?
- Yeah.

Did You Accomplish Anything?
- Graduated high school and started college.

What was your NEW YEARS RESOLUTION for 2009?
- I didn't have one.

Did You Think This Year Was Slow?
- No, it went by super fast.

Are You Looking Forward for 2010? Why?
- Yes. I get to start again, wipe the slate clean, and forget the past.

Did You Learn Anything New?
- I learned to trust my friends. Because they always tell me what I need to hear, whether I want to or not.

Lost some friends?
- Sadly, yes. But we're trying to get back to where we were.

Made New Friends?
- Yep!! :)

A Year in Review

Merry Christmas Eve my friends. I can hardly believe that it's already the day before Christmas. This year has flown by so fast. I've already been writing for almost a year and at times, I have to go back and read old posts to remember what happened when. And with that, I shall review my year.

When I look back to the person I was in January it's frightening. Not because I was a bad person or anything, but because I have changed so much since then. I'm not really sure if I like the past me or the present me better... I think it's a combination of both. I like the spirituality I had back then. I was undying in love with Christ and knew exactly what I believed. Now, I find it hard to find a church I belong in. Present me is more cautious. I know pain, emotional and physical, and I know that I need to do the best I can to avoid either type. It takes me longer to trust because I've been lied to. It takes me longer to open up because I've been backstabbed. Overall, I think this year has taught me a lot. I experienced the things a typical teenager experiences. Except they usually space them out over four years, and I decided to get them all done over one. What are those experiences you ask? Well here's what I experienced over 2009. (A condensed list of course)

I... cried, laughed, broke up, broke down, went to my first prom, was rebellious, had my first kiss, fell victim to a player, got revenge, got in trouble because of a stupid boy, lost a best friend, gained some new best friends, graduated high school, left home, pulled an all-nighter, got depressed, found my true friends, met new people, had surgery, was scarred, loved and lost.

While I wrote that list, I think I finally realized that those things are over with now and I need to move on. I was talking to Max last night and he randomly asked me "What do you want? What do you think would make you truly happy?" And it took me a while to come to a conclusion. I ended up realizing that that I want to know where my life will take me, I want to be married and have kids and be content. But in order to get to that point, I need to make peace. Max said that I didn't need to tell him what I want, he just wants me to know so that he can help me get there. But I told him anyway. And I'm glad I did.

Anyway, that's my year in review.
I'm hoping for a happier, less stressful 2010.

My dear friends,

I apologize for the longer-than-usual absence. I've been rather busy with being home, visiting people, going to NYC, and thinking. Thinking about how different things are compared to the way they were when I left. Thinking about how much I miss college and my new friends there. Thinking about the options/decisions I have to make/have already made.

I'll try to write about break later. Right now, my brain is spinning too fast to write anything that actually makes any sense.

Writing

I've been writing a lot lately. Poems, my thoughts, random happenings. So I decided to start writing a story. I call it a story because I'm not sure where it'll end up. It might be a short story, a short novel, or 500 pages. Having a set end hinders creativity. So I'm just going to write until I find an end. Once I find that end, I'll decide where to go next. Maybe I'll keep it to myself. Maybe I'll let a few select people read it. Maybe I'll send it to a publisher. Or maybe I won't ever find an end and I'll just forget about it. Who knows?

Until then, I'll just write.

I look at you and I see me,
Hopeful, fearless and carefree.
Not knowing what is coming up ahead,
But not really caring because you’re being led.
Led by the Savior who gave his life,
So you could live and worship Him as His loving wife.

I look at you and I see me,
Or at least the me I used to be.
I long to bring myself back there,
But sometimes I think that journey is more than I can bear.
I need your help, your knowledge, your love,
To help me get back to God Above.

I look at you and I see me,
The me of the future, the one I AM going to be.
Nothing can stop me from my goal,
Because God now has ownership of my soul.
In Him I triumph, I rejoice, I grow,
All because you never let me let go.

Part Drei and the Return

The last part of my Thanksgiving break went as follows....

Woke-up, went to Gma's house to visit Annabelle and her big sis. Annabelle is so adorable!! She's so tiny too. I went out onto the porch and played with the big sis for a while and then it was time for their naps, so they left and Mom and I ran some errands. After we got everything we needed, we went home and went to Beef's for lunch. I do love me some Beefs. :)

Then it was time to just chill and wait for J&J to come pick me up and take me back to school. I thought I was ready to go back, but my brain refuses to go back into school mode. I'm probably going to spend the rest of the semester drifting from class to class. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

After we got back, we had to unpack all of our things and then chill. I was planning on going to bed early, but that didn't happen. I ended up talking to A-Wal on the phone for a while, which was really nice because I haven't had the chance to talk to him in a long long time. After that I sat on my bed and watched The Notebook. I'm pretty sure that was the first time I've ever watched the whole movie, start to finish, without breaking and it's definitely one of my favorites.
If you're a bird, I'm a bird. <3

That's all.

Thanksgiving Part Deux

I'm digging this cold weather and really wish it would last. But I've lived in Florida long enough to know better. It really makes me feel like it's Christmas.

Here's the happenings of the 2nd half of my break.

Friday - Call me crazy, but I enjoyed waking up a three a.m. Mom, Nicole, and I went to the Seminole mall and shopped from 430 until about 11 or so. We took a short break to eat breakfast, but other than that we were go, go, go. I scored a lot of cute clothes for NYC for really cheap and got a pair of Ugg-like shoes. We even knocked a few people off our Christmas lists. After shopping I took a short nap and then went to MI to see New Moon with Nicole, Britt, Lenny, and Ann. I was surprised with how much I liked the movie. But I couldn't help make a few comments during it, such as "CEDRIC! The Ministry lied!" and "When did Sharkboy get abs?" After the movie I went over to Moosams and hung out with Juanito, Bry-Bry, Kellers, and Bindos. We took a bunch of cute pictures, talked, and caught up.

Saturday - Mom woke me up at 10 and we went to see Ang and the boys. I've missed all of them sooo much!!! The boys were, of course, as cute as they were when I left them and just as sweet too. We played, watched tv, and ate lunch at Kelsey's. When we were leaving Carty gave me a huge bear hug and told me that he missed me "soooo much". I'm definitely glad that I only have a week and a half left of school. After Kelsey's Mom and I dropped some stuff off at Grandma's new house, I did some math homework and then I got to go to Mausam's again. The highlight of my week was definitely getting to call Christopher on the phone and talk to him and Felix even though they're all the way in Mochengladbach. I love love love Felix's broken English. It makes me laugh so hard. After we called Chris, we took a walk, took pics, and helped Moosam prepare for a wedding Garba. Then we had to leave so she could go. Saying bye was hard, but like I said... 1.5 weeks.
At home, I skyped with Chris and Felix again before watching some television and relaxing. That was the end of my Saturday.


Tomorrow I'm going over to Grandma's to finally meet like Annabelle. She's going to be absolutely adorable. Sometime late afternoon J&J are coming to take me back to college. Going back this time will be different than in the past because this time, I'm actually excited. Not that I won't miss my family or anything, it's just that I like it now. I've missed Ames, Jill, Becca, and the rest of the crew a lot and can't wait to catch up with them. But that doesn't mean I'm not already preparing for Christmas break.

Here are my plans for that so far:

10th - surprise my pre-k kids at their pageant
12th - Help with the pre-k float if Ro needs me
14th - Soccer game with Will, maybe I'll make some of the guys sandwiches just to mess with J. Barnes
17-20 - NYC with Momma and Dad
20 - White Elephant?

I'm ready to buckle down, take finals, and have a little fun!

Thanksgiving Break Part 1

I've been home for three days and I can barely remember what I've done so far. It's been great and I can't wait to get an entire month of this. The funny thing is, I'm missing college. Tuesday night I was talking to Jill and almost said "Hey, I'll meet you down in your room" or "What's Ames doing?" It's weird being away now that I like it so much. Here's what happened everyday since Moosam was complaining about not having a log.

Tuesday- Went to math, waited for J&J to finish class, drove home. The first thing I did when I walked in was eat. Boy have I missed good food. After eating, I unpacked my stuff, did laundry, and hung out with my mom. We watched tv like old times and then everyone went to bed. I stayed up talking to Dooger and Jill on fb chat until my eyelids started to droop.

Wednesday - I was woken up by a text from Will. We had been texting Tuesday trying to figure out what we'd do together. He had to go pick up his sister from her friend's house so I decided to go with him and hang out after. Little did I know, this friend lives in the creepiest house in Smallsville. It's surrounded by barbed wire and apparently serves as a mental clinic. I don't know why Will's mom let Laura go there. Needless to say, the doors were locked as soon as he left the car and weren't unlocked until his hand was on the handle. After picking Laura up, we grabbed some BK and went to his casa. Last time I was there he tricked me into watching Saw by telling me it was Spaceballs (he says it was Keegan's idea but I call bull). So he decided to make it up to me by actually watching Spaceballs. Soo funny.
Will's family had to leave to go be with family so I left and went out with Bethers. I picked her up, said hi to her familia, and then we went to Sunrise. I do love me some Strawberry Sunrise and I got a muffin to take back to school. We then went to Target and walked around.
After that Mom, Flander and I went to Sonny's and then Mom and I went to Dogs to see Mojo and her momma. I think we made the most noise they have ever heard, but it was sooo worth it.
Then I went to Moosam's house and hung out. We acted crazy, dressed up in winter clothes, and watched a Christmas movie. <3

Thursday aka Thanksgiving- I woke up early to watch the parade and was super excited to see BLG perform. Good choice people, good choice. Then Nana and Gidow came and we ate with them. After we got done eating I took a nap. Once I woke up it was time for dinner take 2 at Grandma's new abode.

Tomorrow morning I'm going Black Friday shopping so I think it's time for some shut eye. I have to be awake enough to beat up shoppers. :)

Patience is a virtue

As is not having your head in the clouds.

I have learned both of these things in the last few days. As well as learning not to doubt myself. I'm leaving right NOW to go home and I'm definitely excited. Hopefully I won't bump into people I don't want to see.

When creativity finally kicks in

Well the AMA's were definitely interesting. I can't say I'm sorry that I left early to go walking around town with Ames, Dakota, Nicholas, and Nikki. We walked through the square, around the fort, and down St. George street. Nikki wanted to take pics and we wanted something to do. The one productive thing that happened was finding Rubberband Alley. I was walking behind everyone else with Dakota and spotted a familiar looking alley, so I told Dakota to wait a second, crossed my fingers, and jumped. Sure enough I had found it!! Dakota looked at me like I was a freak so I made him jump too. Soon enough, Nicholas, Nikki, and Ames were in on it too. We were all jumping for a minute or two in the best alley in the whole world!! It sounds like someone is snapping a rubber band every time you land and no one really knows why.

After jumping, we went back to school and I went to bed.

Today I woke up and checked the blog for Visual Culture. To my surprise I found a new project and I'm actually pretty excited for it. We're supposed to take 3 pics that define our identity. I already have my pics planned out so I'll post them as soon as they get taken. We also had to pick 3 movies we identify with. I spent a good hour writing about why I identify with A Walk to Remember, Nick and Norah, and 10 Things I Hate About You. Some reasons were simple, some complex, but overall they were creative.

After that, I packed. I'm definitely ready to take a short break.

I hope things go well.

Later gators.

Saturday Night

I figured I can talk about last night now that I have a little time to.
I went to dinner with Jill, Ames, Nikki, Becca, Lauren, Dakota, Nicholas, and Maxwell (I love using his whole name). We all ate together in the nasty d-hall and then headed downtown for the Night of Lights. They played a lot of Christmas-y music which really got all of us in the holiday spirit. We took silly pics and then went back to school to hang out in the rotunda for a while. We all sat around in a big circle and talked, joked, and just had an all around good time. Soon it was time for the basketball game so Jill, Brett, Bob, and I went to the gym. We were super happy to discover that the game was free to all students. I didn't get as much into the game as I usually do, but it was still a good time. We ended up losing by 10, but played a pretty good game. Other than all of the missed free-throws and three-pointers. I think Brett was pretty impressed with my basketball knowledge although he was disappointed that I never stood up and yelled. Maybe because Max kept texting me and asking what was going on.
After the game, Jill and I went back to get coats and check on Becca, who had gone back to her room after the lights. We then met up with Ames and went out to the lawn to watch the rest of It's a Wonderful Life, which is definitely a super cute movie. We then went to the student center to chill/eat/play pingpong and pool. Max decided it'd be funny to steal my phone while I went to get food which I definitely didn't appreciate. Taught me never to leave my stuff with him. Oh well, after a while Jill and I decided to go back to her room. I went to check on Becca and that's when we had our heart-to-heart about stupid boys from al regions of the country. Then I slept.

Today I just read, did a devo, and watched some tv on the computers. Now I'm going to eat dinner and watch the AMAs with Jill.

See ya later losers.

Good times and recent discoveries

Too much happened today for me to write about. It was crazy, fun, and all together the best. Some of the happenings included... dinner, lights, Rotunda, Basketball, West Lawn, Ringhaver....

I also got to have some heart-to-heart time with Jill and Becca. Together we all realized that it doesn't matter where you are from (Smallsville, RI, or VA) boys are all the same. Dirty, rotten, scoundrels. Becca and I have a lot in common. It's rather ironic actually. I'm glad I got the chance to get to know her better tonight, but now it's wayyy too late.

Peace

Let's see... what has happened in the past few days?

Well, Wednesday I went with Ames and Callie to Starbucks to studying for our history test. We sat inside and went through the vocab until they closed at 9. (Who the heck closes at 9? This isn't Smallsville people!) After they closed, we went back to school and dropped Callie off. (She's a bit hyper at times but we still love her.) Then Ames and I went and met our friends at Bugg's. I met some really nice boys, Max and Brett (although Max insists that he hates me even though I never did anything to him). And Ames and I went through the rest of our vocab. By the time we finished it was like midnight, so we went back to our rooms and slept.

Thursday - I finally finished my shadowing hours in the writing center. Now I don't have to sit there and be bored every week. Later that night, J&J and I went to the Student Center for a while and then I met Ames at Cedar and studied a little more. They played Rock Band on the HUGE tv while I talked to Jill and tried to get my phone back from Max. (He decided that my phone was payment for the three twizzlers he gave me on his own. I didn't even ask for them). Anyways, at like 11 Jill decided that she was tired so I went back with her to our dorms. It's slightly dangerous to walk back from Cedar by yourself after dark, but I guess that's why they put the guys there and not girls. While I was in Cedar I got to FB chat with an old guy friend from home. It was a lot of fun getting back in touch with him and deciding which Smallsville High games the two of us and our lit/lang friends are going to go to when I get back for Christmas break.

Friday - Class... then my English group interviewed our subject and got a lot of our paper done. After class I had to go do my art project with my creative pod. I was really dreading it, but it turned out to be a lot of fun. I like being artist, I'm just not good at it. But having Lindsay and Corinna there to help me worked really well. We all finished pretty early and had to wait for Callie to cut out her people, so we decided to hide in the art supply closet and wait for her to come find us. We had some heart-to-heart conversations in the closet (sounds kinda weird when I put it like that) and ended up staying in there for about 20 minutes. Then we hung up our silhouettes and I went over to Jill's. The second I got there Ames and Nikki came in and asked if we wanted to go to Fernandina with them. I really really wanted to, but I knew I wouldn't get my homework done if I did. So they left, but not before Nikki informed me that she is FORCING me to go on the next roadtrip... Fine by me. Jill and I hung out in her room until I was too tired to keep my eyes open.

Things for today-
*Group English project (shouldn't take too long)*
*CLEAN! (I can't stand how messy our room is now)*
*Lighting ceremony with Jill, Ames, Becca, etc. (It'll feel like Christmas)*
*Boys' basketball (I can't wait to get crazy!!)*


I'm sorry if this is slightly boring to most people. I just like to think of it as a way to let people know what I'm up to even though we're not together. It makes me feel connected. I love everyone lots!!!

Conductor of the World

This is what happens when I'm feeling musical and spiritual at the same time.

Last night at Cru we watched a video full of music, violins, flutes, oboes, violas, cellos, piano, guitars, french horns, the works. The point was that everyone is playing a song in life, the question is whether or not they're in tune. Whether they do the right things or not.

I took it a step further in my brain. God is the Conductor of the song, the song of life. He's waving his arms, telling the players (mankind) when to be quiet, when to speak up, when to slow down or speed up, and when to stop. Just like in music class, individual players have the ability to pay attention or just not bother. Paying attention to the conductor takes effort, it's not easy to multitask in so many ways at once. Ears and eyes have to be open at all times and nothing can distract the player. God connects to this in every way. You (the player) can either pay attention to him or just walk away. If you choose to pay attention you have to be on it. You have to adjust every few steps you take and make sure you look to him and are doing what he wants. Without him standing at the conductor's stand, the world is in turmoil. No one knows what to play or how to play it. It's crazy and doesn't make any sense.

That's all I have about that.

About other things - Thanksgiving is in a few days and I can't wait to get home and see everyone. After that, I only have two and a half weeks left of class before Christmas Break. This makes me unbelievably happy.

- I have been hanging out with Amy and Jill a lot more lately... I decided that it's pointless to use code names for college friends that no one knows anyways.... Amy took me with her to see the meteor shower the other night and it was magnificent!! I saw three meteors shooting across the sky and it reminded me of the beauty this world contains.

- Tonight, I'm going to Starbucks with Ames and then we're studying for our last History test. I'm really going to miss our professor. He's fantastic!!

- Voldemort was that "best friend" from last post. I don't care at all anymore. Not that I have in the last month or so, but I just had to announce that for it to be done.

Today, I finally let go and realized that I lost a best friend. And I'm not all that upset about it. So it must be for the better.

A sigh of relief

This past week has been full of stress and watching the clock, but now that that's all over, I finally have time to breathe. College pre-registration week is the worst. You're expected to sit and wait patiently for your time to come, and for freshman, that time is Thursday at 7am (aka very last). If you know me at all, you know that I HATE having to wait and not knowing if my classes are going to work out. At Smallsville High, I never had to worry about that. I never took a class I didn't want because my guidance counselor knew better. She knew that I wasn't afraid to call her house late at night to get her to fix something. And as a result, I am not used to this crap.

So I woke up early, sat down at my laptop, and waited for 7 to roll around. I think pre-registration was a success, besides that stupid science class I didn't get into. But the funny thing is, I'm not that upset about it. I didn't want science anyways so this schedule will be easy peasy. Intro to Teaching, Electronic Portfolio, English, Psych, and Speech. And I managed to get a class with my friend, RI, so I'm super happy about that.

Speaking of RI, I've been hanging out with her and her friends a lot more lately and I love it. I think I've gone over there almost every day this week to hang out, talk, watch TV, or do whatever seems like fun. I really like them and get along with all of the people in their group. There's never a dull moment. I do believe I have finally found the college friends I was searching for. Things seem to be going my way these days.

I read a quote the other day that really got me thinking. "Don't regret anything that once made you happy." I've decided to try and live by that quote. And living by that means regretting nothing because everything I have done, whether this summer or otherwise, once made me smile. Not regretting doesn't mean not learning from mistakes, it just means not beating myself up over things that happened. You should try living by it too. It's pretty awesome. Just consider it.

Peace.

The difference a day makes

Yesterday was definitely amazing. Here's how it started....

My L.C. classes were supposed to go on a field trip to Jax to some plantation, so I woke up around 10, got ready, and went to meet Staten at the Bistro. We got there and realized that it was closed so we went over to the Auditorium to meet the bus. But when we got there, guess what wasn't there.... yep, the bus. We waited for a while and our art teacher finally decided to call the bus company. Turns out, our bus broke down on the way to get us and it would be another 20 minutes or so. So Staten and I went back to the Bistro and got wraps. It was her birthday, so I payed and then we went back. But our teachers decided it wasn't worth it so we canceled the trip. A group of girls decided to go anyways so Staten and I joined them since our friends were going to be gone anyways. So we went, took pictures, girl-talked, ate at Chickfil-a, got donuts, and headed back.

Once we got back, Staten and I caught up with her friends Mendez and Seem. After a lot of discussion and drama and changing plans they all finally decided that they were going to go to Jax to a Moe's and decide from there what came next. Seem had invited me to go earlier in the week but I wasn't sure if that invite still stood so I went to get my stuff and go, but Mendez and Staten reinvited me so I went.

It was a lot of fun. A bunch of us piled in Law's Suburban and drove. More drama insued, but that's what makes nights interesting. Law wanted to go camping on the beach and get uber wasted, but no one else wanted to go and since it was Staten's birthday, we defended her and finally Law let up and stopped asking. He and his friends went anyway, but we all went back and chilled in Cedar. Less drama occured once he left and we discussed what to do next. Staten had promised Ri that she would go do the usual stuff 18 year olds are legal to do and Ri wouldn't let her forget that promise. Flower and I didn't really want to go so we had a sleepover and watched SNL while they did that. When they got back they decided to have an impromtu road trip to Hilton Head. Since we don't have a van and Law was gone Flowers and I sacrificed ourselves so everyone else could go and have a good time.

We had a sleepover which was a lot of fun. :) And now I'm dead tired, sitting in my pjs at the computer back in my room.

I declare this weekend a success.

Family Weekend and such

This weekend was family weekend at college. Parents are invited to come spend the weekend here and see what the college is like. They eat in the dining hall (which served good-ish food for a change), hear Prez A talk, take a trolley tour, see the dorms, and get to catch up with their kids.

My parentals got here Friday when I was still in class taking a test (which I got a 98 on). So they checked into their B&B and waited for me to be done. Once I got out they came over, showed me their place, and we went to eat at a Columbian restaurant (not as good as I remembered). After eating we went to WallyWorld for a few quick things and then went to watch Where The Wild Things Are. It was definitely... different to say the least. I didn't really remember the book at the time so I don't have much else to say about that.

Saturday morn, me and Cal (who's parents were also staying at the B&B) walked over to get breakfast. It was AMAZING! After that we went over to the auditorium to listen to the President give his speech and here the choir sing. It reminded me of how much I miss music.... After the speech Mom and I walked around while Dad watched the FSU game. I got a super cute purse! (Thanks Mom and Mrs F) Mom and I also went on a trolley tour of the town, which I think she really enjoyed. Then Dad went to watch the UF/UGA game and Mom and I drove over to the outlets. I "made out like a bandit" as Mom says. Lots of cute clothes for NYC. After the game, we went to a Greek restaurant and walked around Downtown.

Sunday was a peculiar day. I woke up, got ready, and ate breakfast at the B&B. Then Dad, Mom, and I drove out to see the beach. On the way back we stopped by Publix to pick up some food I wanted for my dorm. Then they decided to take me home for a few hours and have J&J take me back to school with them. I was really upset when I had to go/ had to think about going. But I think (keyword "think") I'm okay now.

When I got back I studied with my friend Staten. We did more talking than we did studying, but I think that's okay. I think she really helped me realize I'm not alone here and I can find friends. We talked about the kinds of people here and how we're nothing like them. We don't party al the time nor are we major dorks. We're the inbetweeners. More mature than most, which is what is getting the both of us stuck when trying to find new friends. Talking with Staten made me feel a lot better and more confident that I will find friends. After studying she invited me to get coffee and then go back to her room and hang out with her and her suitemates. I had a great night in spite of my crappy day. And tomorrow, I'm actually going to eat lunch with her and her suitemates!! I have real friends. And the fact that that amazes me, is a little sad. But oh well, I take what I can nowadays.

I've found a better day. Not a perfect one, but better.

• We got "boo'd" aka someone gave us a big bag of candy.

• I went to math, which was boring as usual. But I do love Prof. Nickles.

• Went to lunch with J&J and ate some yummy chimichangas.

• V and I went to the writing center and I helped a foreign girl fix her English. It reminded me of all the little grammatical mistakes the Germans used to make. And she really appreciated my understanding.

• Then I had to go watch two stupid ASL videos. I really hate those movies.

• Went to A&J's room to borrow their vac. We just sat there and talked for a while which was really good because it reminded me that I do have friends other than B J&J here.

• SOON I'm going to the G's house to carve pumpkins!!!! I can't wait to see how big the baby is.
  

Keep Holding On

And we'll make it through...

Or so I hope.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to do this.


Just one more month til Thanksgiving.

MPA

This weekend I went back to Smallsville with my Loverface so we could watch our band babies preform at MPA. I was supposed to ride home from college with Loverface, but the college dining staff decided that they hate me and poisoned my food. No joke... I got food poisoning from the dining hall. Undercooked chicken or something of that nature. Erik (that's Mr B to you Smallsville band kids) told me to just boycott the dining hall for the next year, but seeing as it's the only place to eat I guess I can't do that...

Anyhoo (yes that's a real word, it's in the Oxford Dictionary)... I got food poisoning, so my mom and uncle came to get me Friday. I didn't go to a single class and only one of my stupid professors e-mailed me back. I got home, rested up, and waited for Lover to get there. Once she was there, we sat on my bed and talked for a long time. I love her. :) We texted the Schwahn once they got back from their football game and got two seats on the buses to festival, which made us both super excited. After a long time of talking, we finally went to bed and prepared for the next day's festivities.

Saturday - We woke up kinda early, ate, and got ready to head up to Smallsville High. We didn't want to get there to early because I know far too well how stressful MPA day can be. And sure enough, we got there and Schwahn was running around, the DMs were freaking, KT was a mess, and random bandies were asking stupid questions. Big Spicy and the love of my life, Erik, were super calm... probably because they had no clue what was going on. Schwahn gave the usual speeches and then I got kicked out (which was really weird) for the usual ceremony.
Loverface and I rode on Erik's bus and I really really loved being back in the band atmosphere There really is no other group of people anywhere around that have the same dynamic we do. Where else do you find 200+ teens working together for the same thing? It still amazes me even though I was a part of it for four years. We had to miss AHS' preformance because we were in warm-up, but I was rooting for Greggy and his minions. (They ended up getting an overall superior)
After warm-up, Loverface, D-Rok, the other alumni and I walked to the stadium to watch them go. We were all really excited to get to see them preform from such a different perspective. They, of course, did amazingly. I'm really proud of what they accomplished this year. I know it was really rough, and at times a superior seemed impossible. But accomplish they did, and they were awarded straight superiors. :)
After they preformed, we all went to sit with the band in the visitor's bleachers. We ate, watched other bands, heard the ratings, and headed home. I started feeling icky again while watching other people preform, but I got to sit next to Erik on the way home (thanks to my little Cuban friend) and we got to talk about everything from school to hurricanes.

Sunday was spent with mi madre, helping her out at a birthday party.

Being home is great, especially when I get to be around old friends. I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anyone when I'm there. Things are just like they used to be.... Z singing in my ear on the bus, Zube searching for me when he can't fix his jacket, Fun-size jumping on my back when I'm not paying attention to her. Heck, even D-Rok came and blocked the sun from my face when I was lying down. I didn't even have to ask him to stand there.

I miss high school, but Erik did a good job reassuring me that I'll find some friends among these drunken, demon worshipping, tobacco addicted people. Hopefully he was right.

Montag again

Yesterday was actually a lot of fun. :-)

I woke up, read a little for Art, and watched some TV on cast-tv.com.

Classes went smoothly. We went on a spontaneous art field trip (aka going to Wiley to see some obscura thing). History is always a good time. I love learning about the olden days. English was okay. Our intros were due, but mine sucked so I told Dr. Dan that I'd e-mail her a new one. She really liked it, so all is well. ASL is going good too. I went in front of class and signed some stuff.

J&J decided to skip class so we went to dinner right after ASL. Then we hung out in Ringhaver. Bethy had a meeting at 730 so I went back to our room and.... gasp..... practiced clarinet. I volunteered for the spring musical - Carousel, which is really good according to RayRy. He was excited when I told him that I volunteered. Anyhoo, after practicing, we all had a movie/dance party night in FEC. Stalking tower C, watching Music and Lyrics, and making a crazy dance video.

During this time, a certain person finally realized that I was upset with them. We talked about it and I bent wayyy to easily. Looking back at the conversation we had last night I now realize that you are no different than he was. "I'm not him". B.S. You are the same person and I'm not going to pretend like I did something wrong.

But I didn't let that little run-in ruin my night. I love my friends. :)

People

People disappoint me. I have high expectations for them and then they epically fail at meeting those expectations. I guess that just reaffirms my decision to ditch them. I'm done with the two of you, neither of you deserve any more chances. I am not going to fall asleep thinking about you guys or crying about y'all either. Sorry. Oh, and by the way, I finally clicked the delete button on that text thread. And I feel liberated. :)

Note to friends- the one thing I hate more than anything else is a liar. And keeping quiet about something is the same as lying. Don't tell me you don't do something if you really do. Just be freaking honest about it. Please. It'll save me.. and you... a lot of pain.

I used to lie about things to my parents all the time. I think I got a little joy out of it. But I've felt the other end of the deal now. Being lied to sucks more than anything and I doubt I'll ever be the same person I once was. No one really understands how bad that hurt. But I am turning my life around. Going to church, being good, living the life I know I should live. Promise.

Retail Therapy

It's a real thing.. look it up on Wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retail_therapy

We're heading over to J ville tomorrow for some serious shopping... Tonight was a good time. We rented The Proposal, bought candy, and danced around the towers. Bad part of today - having to get sprayed for termites for the SECOND time. This has gotten to be a serious problem and I'm definitely talking to Residence Life on Monday.

Also, I'm super excited because I'm going to marching festival with Loverface next weekend. I can't wait to see my babies in action!!!!!!!

Last night I found myself lying in bed reading through old texts, remembering what the summer was like. I found myself smiling and laughing at stupid things that were said either by me or by P as we texted his work day away. Rereading and remembering these times was not a good idea. Why? Well because I almost forgot what a jerk and a liar he is. I need to bring myself to click the delete button and not have anything left to remind me of those fake, happy times. What I really need is for him to admit that he was a jerk and a liar but that's never ever going to happen. So I need to find a different way to get over it.

My heart has been hurting lately. I spent most of today trying to figure out why, and I'm pretty sure I came up with the reason. It has nothing to do with P or X, I've come to accept the fact that neither of them were ever going to be right for me, but I'll still be friends with the both of them. My heart's pain has been caused by something different. I realized that I hurt the most on Saturday when I was watching my little bro go off to homecoming with all of his friends. I wanted more than anything in the world to be going with him. But I know that this time of my life is over. I won't ever get into uniform and march the halftime show again, nor will I ever dress up and go to a dance in the Smallsville gym. I should have figured all of this out a while ago, but it never hit me until now. It was a stab in the heart when I figured out that Smallsville goes on without me. My old friends still live their lives and I am less a part of them.

I really just want to be back there and be a part of the town again. Be able to do all the things I did in high school. I never would have imagined that I'd be one of those people. One of those people who can't let go of high school and move on with their life.

The problem is, I can't move on. There isn't anything to do here other than schoolwork and even that doesn't take up enough time. So I sit in my dorm or in the student center thinking about what I would be doing if I were still in high school. It really isn't healthy but there honestly isn't anything else to do. I've tried to connect with clubs and organizations. There aren't any worth my time. What to do, what to do?

Realizations/ Observations/ Random statements

Two fellow bloggers posted their observations so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and maybe add a few recent realizations too.

The girls down my hall think it's funny to steal, vandalize, and ding-dong ditch.

Apparently, quiet hours mean nothing here.

I'm always hungry because I don't have a kitchen.

Not having said kitchen makes me want to bake.

The one time I really need to get something done also happens to be the one time something that is apparently hilarious gets shared with my roomie.

Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you can't do any better, stop writing, and turn in the paper.

There is something seriously wrong with me when I am not happy with the 91 I got on my math test and the 92 I got on my English paper.

I hate Art, but I'm doing best in it.

I love my classes but hate the dorms. I don't know what to do about that.

I really do have a flavor of the week. Which has become a problem because I'm not used to the flavors wanting to be my pick.

You're never too old to take a nap... or miss your family.

Recently, I've felt the urge to put on dinkles and bibbers and run around like crazy.

When listening to a song I always associate a person with it. And it rarely makes sense.

I want to live in either Huntsville and send my kids to Randolph, or Smallsville and send them to all the schools I went to.

No matter how long friends have been apart, nothing will really change.

Sitting outside on a cool Florida night is soothing.

My pinky can predict the weather.

Ultimate Frisbee is the only sport I'm halfway decent at.

I will never marry Tim Tebow.

My first boy will be named Evan, no question about it.

If I ever got a tattoo it would be either a treble clef or an outline of a clover with "E.R.M." written in the leafs and it would go on my hip.

I am going to hate college until I graduate. Because I don't want to be in it.

I never realized how conservative I was until I got to college.

It's pretty sad that my greatest high school accomplishments are being marching band captain and almost winning biggest flirt.

Not knowing how things will turn out is killing me.

You're a Vanderbilt, and I'm a Buckley.

I still have an entire chapter of English to read and maybe a few pages of Art... so I better go do that.

Oops

I'm the kind of person who has to figure things out on her own. Everyone around me may be telling me one thing but if I disagree I'll go with my belief rather than anyone else's. I know it's bad and I shouldn't be like that. I should just believe what my friends/family says and save myself the trouble. I should have learned that my friends were right when the whole P thing happened. They were right about him, but I didn't listen. Look where that got me. P hates me for no reason and I wasted time hanging out with him. Still I didn't want to listen to anyone.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I now realize I'm wrong. I don't have the best judgment and I need to lean on my friends/family to tell me when I'm doing something right.

So I'm really trying to apologize to everyone that I took my feelings out on.

You were right about P and I should have listened especially when you persisted with your statements. Sorry.

You were right about the triangle of love. I do need God to be the tip. Sorry.

And to you guys, I am most sorry. I always take everything out on you and I'm trying to stop. I promise.


On a lighter note....

I got my "good life" essay back today and received a 92. Among the highest grades in the class. Thank you Ultimate Frisbee. :)

I also took a ASL test today. I think I got around a 97. My teacher definitely grades more leniently than I would, but I appreciate it.

I'm basically done with my History paper. Just one more page to go.

I got a 100 on my art test. So even though I hate the class, I excel in it.

I should be getting my math test back tomorrow. I hate that I learned all of this material in the 9th grade. It's really frustrating.

I'm still debating changing my major to just Elementary Ed. While I love ASL, I know that I'd hate it if I didn't have Prof. Ren. And all I really want to do is teach at a pre-k. So I don't see a point in taking extra classes.

I feel like the walls of this room are closing in on us. I think I'm going to see if Bee wants to go to Residential Life with me and see if we can move (together) in January to a bigger one.

That's it for now. I've got some math (if you can even call it that) to get done before tomorrow.

I am a writer...

"I was switched off like a light, a fighter with no fight..." so used to having everything on control, ruling the school with my iron fist. Known by everyone either as a friend or just by name. I wouldn't say I was a legend, I wasn't in the "popular" crowd, but I was popular in my crowd. The band kids. They all knew me, and I made it my job to know all of their names. When I was around my babies (as I called them) I was at home. It didn't matter if we were at school, sweating our asses off at camp, or getting stuck on 6 hour bus rides. What mattered was the fact that we were family. I grew up with brothers, but by the end of senior year I had sisters. Too many sisters to count. I still try to call or text all of them as often as I can. They put a smile on my face when I just want to cry and I can only hope I do the same for them. They cried when I graduated, understanding better than I what was about to happen. I was a happy go lucky graduate. Happy to be out of the clutches of Tolley and Spinner. Ready to make my own decisions and make my own way, or so I thought.

The summer of 09 went by fast, but not without it's own stress and drama. I guess I just had to fit in my last bit of high school drama and learn my last lesson before I went off into the unknown. Looking back, I only made one real mistake all summer. Pushing his advice out the window and pretending like I didn't care about him. He was and still is my best friend and just had my best interests at heart. No sooner did I realize my mistake than did I have to go. I packed my bags, bought school supplies, and headed off to college.

I arrived as I think any freshman does, ready to take on anything and everything. I was hyped. I was happy. I was ready. But boy was I in for a wake up call. Never in my life had I had a teacher who didn't know who i was the second I walked into class. The fact that none of my professors knew, or cared, scared me. The semester began and I worked and worked. Essays here, math there, art analysis way over there. The first few weeks I was happy. When not in class I hung out with bethy, jessi, and Jor Jor. We laughed together, made up nicknames for random people, and poked fun. Until one day "I switched off like a light..." I didn't want to do anything but cry. You know how you always pick out one phrase and repeat it when you're crying? Well my phrase was "I don't belong here, I can't do this." I just laid in bed and cried. I didn't want to tell anyone about my problems. But of course my best friend, the same one I wronged during the summer, was there to comfort me. He knew I was a "fighter with no fight". I wanted more than anything to be happy, but I had no plan, no tactics to get back to where I was.

Well, somehow I got out of my weeklong crying stage. I fully believe (and you're free to think whatever you want) that it had solely to due with the prayer. The prayers I was praying and the ones everyone else was praying too. I lifted myself up to the mercy of God and my tears were dried. I am, once again, happy to be here. I am ready to take this school by storm. I am not and never have been one to give up. I am not one to sit back and wait for happiness to find me. I go out and get it. I get what I want. Now, I'm not saying God was the only one who helped me find myself again. It was also the DEKAC, my mom, Auntie B and Mommy N, X, and oddly enough, Gossip Girl. That little superficial show is focusing on college freshman this season. Upper East Siders who are used to having it all are having to go out and make a new name for themselves. My stuggle is much like Blair's. She is just now getting out of her slump with the help of my personal favorite, Chuck Bass. But unlike Blair, I do not have one Chuck. I have many. Some are more evident in my life than others. But all contributed.

"Somehow you saw someone worth saving, You pulled me back into the light. Now if ever I can rescue you,
When you need two arms to fall into
You know exactly where I'll be
Just look for me."

Brought to you by; Jake Epstein's Rescue You & a girl who has a passion for writing.

What is your view of work?

That is the question my English Comp professor asked my classmates and I this afternoon. The second the chalk left the board hands and eyebrows were raised. You see, Dr. B has made a habit out of writing a question on the board, telling us to answer it, and not answering any question we have until after we write. The first time she did this, I must admit, I was scared. But now I understand her purpose. She wants to get us out of the habit of always having to know exactly what is being asked. She wants us to make our own interpretations and write about the first thing that comes to our minds. Since I understand her point, I began writing and did my best to ignore the whispers coming from my classmates. Here's what I came up with:

What is your view of work?

First, let me define work. Work is anything one puts time into in order to achieve a goal. Work can range to the simplest tasks (such as making a bed) to the more complex tasks (such as writing a paper or managing a business). Every form of work has its rewards, looking nice, feeling good, earning enough money for that Ferrari, but it can also have its consequences, spending less time with the people one care about, having to do something one would rather not do.
But not all work has to be tangible. Relationships, for example, are work. Marriages, friendships, dating, and even family ties take work. They take time and effort and, in the end, can bring one great joy. Based on my definition, everything one does in any given day is work. Every task one performs takes a little but of time and helps achieve a goal. That goal may be getting the mail, passing a test, dating the quarterback, or getting that job. In other words, each goal is different, but each takes work. Work is inescapable. One must do it everyday, whether they realize that it is work or not.

That's what I wrote. What surprised me was how superficial and surface level my classmates' answers were. They didn't think about anything besides money. They were selfish in their answers. I couldn't connect with any of them. I guess it's just the AP Lit/Lang inside of me that tries to look at the bigger picture and dive deeper into topics. Am I the only one who views work in the more philosophical way?

I had almost forgotten how to laugh and smile for long periods of time... almost. But I remembered this weekend. (I'm writing this in the past tense because today will consist of cleaning and writing papers, no fun stuff) I remembered what it is like to be happy, to want to go out and conquer the world, to have plans, to be content with where I am. It's an amazing feeling. The thought of transferring hasn't really crossed my mind in ages. (if a week counts as ages)

Freitag, J&J, Bee, and I went to the VA room to watch Five Times August. We weren't really sure how they were going to be and were a little hesitant to go, but once they began the show we all fell in love. The main singer, Brad, was the only one who played this particular show. Sadly, he has a wedding ring. But his voice made me feel like butter and he was the heat, melting me with every word (that feeling isn't foreign to me, something else makes me do that too). After the concert, we went to the merch table, bought cd's, took pictures, ("accidently" grazed his butt), and then went downstair to Bugg's. We sat around laughing until we realized how late it was.

Saturday = <3

Either Thursday or Friday (can't remember which) X told me that Smallsville HS was having a swim meet against SAHS. I was sooo excited to go! He gave me the address and J&J drove us there. Driving there was a little scary. Take DeLeon, multiply it by one hundred, and that's what we had to drive through to get to the beautiful YMCA swimming complex. Bee and I walked in, sat down, and watched everyone swim. It took everyone besides X a while to figure out that I was there. I was called an "alumni" for the first time ever (weirddd!) and got to see a lot of my old friends.

After the meet, Mrs E practically insisted on taking us to lunch. (first rule of college: never turn down free food). We ate at this wonderful French Pastry shoppe (I just realized the irony in that... but that's a different story). After lunch, we walked around town. Just me, X, and Bee. Some moments are bittersweet. But I'll take that little dose of bitterness if I get all the sweetness I've been wanting. (that's also another story)

After X left... :( .... We went to Bugg's and sat with J&J and their sister Jenny. We waited around to see if Starbucks man was going to show (he didn't) and then we went to the outlets and shopped for a little bit. I got a really cute sweatshirt. Jenny had to leave, so I came back up to my dorm and waited for my Loverface to come. She got here, we talked, ate delicious pizza, went to see Fame, and then stopped by Lyd's house. Fame made me miss music and high school soo much. Those kids are so talented and got to do what they loved everyday. I got to do that in h.s. too. Lyd suggested borrowing music, going out on the streets, and playing clarinet. I think I just might, if she'll play viola with me.

*Funny sidenote* Lyd and Lor have a kitten named Tobi. The second they told us his name, Lover and I looked at each other and laughed... remembering German Tobi. I then remembered that Juno song "I've never met a Tobi that I didn't like." *I guess it wasn't that funny...*

Now for a short announcement from our sponsers.

ATTENTION SMALLSVILLERS - I am coming home for homecoming weekend. If you would like to make plans with me, please contact my people.. (better known as my facebook or iPhone).
I apologize, but my Friday night, Saturday late night, and Sunday evening have already been claimed. This means that my time is limited. Please only book one session, unless you know I'm not talking to you when I say that. Thank you.

Ich liebe mein leben

(I love my life)

I'm even more into using random Deutsch phrases now. I spent an hour this morning talking to Jules, who is still in high school in Gladbach. I can't believe how much I miss the exchange students. I had such a good time when they were here. We talked about everything from college to Tobi to wanting to visit each other. I really wish I could go to see Chri Chri and the exchange students sometime soon, but alas, those plans fell through.

Anyways, I do love my life. I've had a great week. Sure it started off rough, having to leave my house and come back here, but it's gotten better. I had a great time getting some sun at the beach yesterday, even though Bee thought it would be funny to splash my phone. I guess she was trying to hint at the fact that I'm addicted to it. I'm trying to get better about that, but it's a process and will take a little while.

Today, being Freitag, was naturally a good day. My art test wasn't nearly as hard as I expected it to be. I got my history test back and received an 88%. My teacher saw my nervous face when I was getting my test handed to me and assured me that I did great. He's a funny guy. We didn't do much in English (wow, big surprise) and in ASL Renato gave us a quiz (which I aced), gave us back our test (95%), and told us about the first time he got drunk. It was a hilarious story. It never ceases to amaze me how funny this man can be without uttering a single word.


Tonight, Five Times August is having a free concert in the VA room so Bee, J&J and I are gonna go check it out. If it's lame, we'll just go downstairs and chill like we do every other night.

Tomorrow, I might be going to S.A.H.S. for their swim meet vs Smallsville High. J&J are taking me since their stipulation was met. :) I just have to find a ride back... After the meet J&J's sister is coming and we'll probably go see my husband at work. And then LOVERFACE IS COMING! We're going to check out the new theater and see Fame. I can't wait!!! I just saw her Sunday, but I feel like it's been forever. Sunday, I'm probably going to GN PCA with JC, but I've gotta call her because she missed ASL today. Hope she's feeling okay. I don't wanna miss a second opportunity to see my husband this week!

I can't wait for the weekend to begin!!!!!!!!

:)

Right now I'm listening to a playlist I made entitled "The Epic Concert I Have to Miss". It is made up of all the songs I have by The Maine, Boys Like Girls, and A Rocket to the Moon. I can't believe that the ONE time ARTTM decides to have a concert near me, I can't go. I have to go on a stupid field trip for art class. Field trip? I mean really? Are we in elementary school? Nein, we are in COLLEGE. (I've been randomly sticking German in my sentences lately and I have no idea warum.) Anyways, since I can't go to the concert, I decided to just make a playlist and listen to it everyday until I finally get sick of them. I hope it works.

What else? hmmm.... Well I decided that I shouldn't be nice to people who dislike me anymore. They take advantage of my niceness and go back to complaining just like they used to do. It's really annoying. I think I'll listen to Vern's advice. "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." I'm not going to put up with it anymore. I'll just be friends with the people who take care of my heart.

Today has been a pretty smiley day. Math class was a good time. My professor finally knows my name and likes me. He made a mistake today and I corrected him, so he knows I'm smart. He'll wink at when he asks someone else a question because he knows I know the answer. After math, I came back to my room and wrote a paper about the Holocaust seminar I went to last night. I'm still really interested in the holocaust, so my paper took two seconds to do. If there was a major called "History of the Holocaust" I'd do that instead. It's fascinating. As soon as J&J get out of class we're all going to the beach. I'm really excited because I haven't been since the last time I went with X. I know it won't be the same as Playa but I'm still excited.

I've been smiling all day. I wish that smile was caused by a sudden realization that I love it here. Mostly because I'd be a less terrible person. But I deserve to be happy to. I've waited patiently for something good to happen in my life. And here it is. :)

Now I must go get ready for the BEACH!!!! YAY!!!!!


p.s. I'm going to NYC with my Mamma and Daddy this winter. Which Broadway should I see??? I've already seen Wicked, Lion King, Grease, Mama Mia, and Jersey Boys.

iPhone fun and other things

I just got this app on my iPhone so I can update my blog from my bed...when I should really be asleep. I shouldn't drink espresso after 5, but I do it anyways. Today actually turned out to be decent. My classes were all really chill. Art was bearable for once, history is always a good time, and my group in English won our scavenger hunt. It still kills me that 3/5 of these classes would be waived at any state school. But I chose this, so I'll deal. The thought of transferring is still in my head, but I feel like I need something profound to happen for me to justify moving. Not just I miss my family and friends. Who knows, maybe the idea will go away.

Random question: Has something ever made you really happy even though you know it shouldn't? Because that's what happened today. I've been smiling ever since I heard something. I know I'm a terrible person because in a way, I'm enjoying someone elses pain, but I can't help it. I'm happy. I'll be happy if nothing more happens than what I was told. I feel bad for this smile, but I'm going to keep it.

Another question: I said I hated someone a few posts ago. But do I really hate them if we can have a civilized conversation? And if I immediately diss out advice when they ask for it via text? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's just my time to have everything go right. Maybe it's my time to smile. I did the right thing (in both situations) and now I'm being rewarded... Maybe.

Anywho, it's thursday. Tomorrow is a free concert, Saturday my loverface is coming!!! And sunday I'm going to GN PCA with JC. I like having weekend plans. I really need to hit the hay now though.... With a smile on my face, even if that smile is wrong. :)

Figure it Out

Maybe if life was more like that game show my cousin was on, the one with the same title as this post, it would be a lot easier. All you have to do is stand there, with your solution up on the board, and celebrities ask you questions until they come up with the answer. I'd stand there, say yes and no, and then they'd figure it out for me. But alas, that's not how life works. I have to figure it out for myself.

And that's what I tried to do this weekend while at home. I sat in my room on my big comfy bed looking around at all my things wondering what I should do. I, of course, couldn't come up with an answer in one short weekend. I spent Friday night and most of Saturday with my family. I didn't realize it until I really thought back, but I haven't been away from them for more than a week ever. But even in those weeks I was with someone that I've known forever. Mrs. C or Mrs. T or someone like that, so being here alone is a lot harder than I thought it would be. At Nicole's house, we watched movies and talked about college again. She pointed out one of the other big problems here. I, unlike everyone else at their colleges, am completely alone. Everyone else has someone that they've been with for a long time. Dragon has my Lover and she also has my big sis, Lemon has her sister, Lee has BB, My son and Moos both have a wide array of people they can go to. Sure, I have Jess and Jor Jor but I knew them four years ago and then basically lost contact until now. We don't know the same people anymore even though we're from the same place.

Being home was nice though, because it reminded me that everything will go back to the way it was once Christmas and summer come. I hung out with BJ and it was like we had never been apart, I went to frisbee and it took most of the guys a while to realize that I was gone. That being at frisbee wasn't normal anymore. They made me feel great and like I had never left. The problem is, I did leave. I wasn't going to be home forever and I had to come back. I had to make the drive back up here and then leave Mom and Ang once I did arrive. I don't like being without them and I don't like being here but I'm determined. I've always been determined. Once I start something I can't just quit. I have to finish it, whether "finishing" means staying here for four years or finding somewhere else where I'm happier.

The problem is, either way, I'm going to feel like I failed. Either I fail at the adjustment period but figure it out and then keep going. Or I fail at being this far away from everyone and have to find somewhere else to be. I know it's ridiculous and I'm not failing if I'm happy, but that's not what it feels like.

I have a lot to think about and figure out. Hopefully, someday, not far from today, I'll look back on this time and laugh. Laugh at how stupid I am and how much fun I'll be having... hopefully.

Small Victories

I'm counting the small victories and steps I make in life now to get by. Things like not breaking down when Mom and Dad dropped me off after dinner last night and not crying in bed when I finally went to sleep. The less times I break down each day, the closer I am to figuring out what I want to do.

As I was straightening my hair this morning, I remembered my favorite Bible verse. (Yes, I always think about deep things when I'm getting ready.) It just popped into my head, and by that, I mean God reminded me because I've been asking Him for guidance the past few days. So, after I was done I walked over to my desk, grabbed my Bible and read. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." (Jeremiah 29 11-12) This just reminds me that God is looking out for me and knows how I've been feeling. He knows that I can get through it and there is hope and I do have a future. The hardest part of those verses to grasp is that He knows the plans, I don't. I don't know where He's going to take me or what He wants me to do. I just have to remember that He has it all worked out and I just have to sit back, pray, and trust.

I think the above thoughts count as a bigger victory. Not that because I read that I'm suddenly going to be better. But because when I do start doubting myself, I just have to come back and read it.

I have so much to think about this weekend when I return home, but I know I won't be alone. When I need help I have a billion people I can call, and that right there is a HUGE blessing. I'm thankful for all of my friends who have always been there for me and always will be. I don't know where I'd be without them. They'll be the ones that help me reach my next small victories. Little steps at a time. One by one, I'll get there.

Pathetic

I know I'm going to sound like a big baby to everyone after they read this, but I really don't care. I'm hoping that writing this will help me get over it and be happy here....

I honestly don't know what started it. "It" being the fact that I feel absolutely miserable here. This past week or so I've felt like I'm in the wrong place but I have no idea where the "right place" is. Whenever I mention this to people, they just tell me that it's a stage every college student goes through and I pray to God every night that they're right. But isn't this stage supposed to happen at the beginning of the year? Not a month into classes. Not after being happy and super excited to be here for a month. Right now, if someone came up to me, waved a little wand, and said "Hey, you can transfer wherever you want and keep your credits and be in the same classes at the same point in each class", I'd do it in a heartbeat. I really would. Although I don't know where I'd go. Anywhere where I'm not miserable and the thought of home or my friends makes me tear up. I actually cry myself to sleep every night. I really hope that this is just a phase, and I'll be better soon. Sooner or later, Bee is going to walk in on me red-eyed and runny-nosed or wake up to me making those pre-cry noises Dane Cook talks about. I almost broke down in math class yesterday because I overheard some guys talking about how happy they are here and how they're almost ready to graduate. I wish I was them....

I'm hoping that going home this weekend will help me. Keeping busy, seeing everyone, remembering how much more boring Smallsville is compared to CollegeTown. X says to be careful, because it might make things worse, but I highly doubt that. I'm willing to try anything to make this phase or whatever go away. Most people know that I'm usually emotionless, I don't normally cry or get sad, so the fact that I've gone through a whole box of tissues in three or so days is terrible. This needs to stop, and I'm trying to make it, but nothing is working so far.

I miss my big bed, sitting at a full lunch table, always having a friend in each class, having plans for every weekend a month in advance, being able to call my friends and have them come over in a matter of minutes, being with my family, going shopping whenever I want, having a car to go places, Target, Walmart, high school, my boys, the twins, church, my little sisters, having an assortment of snacks in my kitchen, having a kitchen in the first place, having my own space, having a good laundry machine, cable television, wifi that doesn't epically fail, good food, having people to remind me to do my homework, being happy... the list goes on and on.

It's barely fall and I want winter break to get here NOW. Pray that I figure out what I'm supposed to be doing, whether it's staying here or going away, I don't care as long as whatever happens, I can stop gasping for air. This feeling is pathetic, I know, and I want it to be over. I need it to be done. I'm sick of it and I just want to be happy again. Help...

Complaining

I often find myself complaining....
I have too much homework
I don't have enough
I don't have the time to take a nap
all I have to do is nap
There's nothing to do
I had to much fun last night, so this is my punishment
blah....blah...blah

As you can probably tell, today has been a really boring day.
I went to math, had a review of crap I already know. Drew random things in my notebook. Wrote a few German insults for no reason. Came back here. Rewrote my history notes (that's how bored I was). Ate lunch. Napped. Ate dinner.... boredom!!!! It's absolutely ridiculous.

Part of me honestly believes that I'm punished when I have a fun day. The next day, or days, become sheer boredom. Nothing can grab hold of my attention. I'm left to do nothing but watch the clock tick (hypothetically, since I do not have a real clock) and wish the next day would come and maybe be a little better.

I do have one frustration to talk about though, something that really gets under my skin and makes me want to punch something. I HATE it when my friends judge what I do. It's my life and I have my own boundaries. My boundaries are good and Christian and moral. I'm not going to go do something "slutty" or evil. What really set me off was a friend today at lunch. She sat there judging me the whole time. Telling me what I should and should not have done in a situation. The thing is, she wasn't there. She doesn't know what happened or what didn't happen. (And obviously nothing happened because I'm not like that) I kindly asked her once to stop judging me because I didn't do anything wrong and she just kept on going. By this time I was done eating so I just left and hoped the topic would blow over by dinner time. But of course, I was wrong and she just kept on judging. I don't know what to do because nothing I say satisfies her judgmental self. ...

Montag

Oh Mondays.... I love how they're supposed to be boring and hated, but mine always seem to be my favorite day. I get to sleep in until 1030-ish and lounge around until I decide it's time to go to art/history/English.

Art... ugh... I guess it's getting a little better. Apparently I finally understand what an "artistic response" is. Although I don't know how to do it again. And I found out that I did my homework right, so I was happy.

History... I LOVE my teacher. He's soo hilarious. But it's a good thing I already took APUSH with Coach, because without it I would probably fail my tests. The professor always runs out of time and we don't ever go as deeply into things as Coach did.

English- I turned in my intro for that frisbee paper today. I really hope she goes easier on me than she did on some of the kids today. The only homework I have from all my classes is to brainstorm for 2 hours about my essay. Good thing my bffl X did that for me already. :)

ASL is going great. Renato is awesome and is really easy to understand. Today, we spent most of class talking about our favorite movies. THE NOTEBOOK! and learned a few more vocabulary words.

After class ended X GOT HERE!!!!! Bee, X, and I walked down S.G. Street and got some yummy ice cream. Luckily, while walking down the street, I randomly asked X how much his parking was. As he pulled out the receipt, that retard realized that he had forgotten to put part of it on his dashboard. So we rushed over to the lot and fixed that problem. Then we walked around campus and went to play air hockey in the student center. We played, yelled, ran around, hid in corners, took pictures, and caused a scene. Just the normal things that happen when we're together.... Soon Jessi and Jor Jor were out of their class, so Bee joined them in the dining hall for food. X and I walked down to a restaurant to eat. (sorry the food was soooo nasty! I didn't know) We joked, laughed, got stomach aches from the disgusting "cuisine", paid (you owe me!!) and then walked around the fort. Some of my weird classmates were there jumping off things and yelling... it made me laugh.

I absolutely LOVE the fort at night. If I wasn't so scared of hobos, I'd sleep there one night. You can see the sunrise and set over the waterway and the grass is soo nice. Plus, if you couldn't sleep, there's plenty of exploring you could do in the fort. Maybe, one day, when I make enough guy friends, I'll take a trip out there at night. Maybe...

In the land of Orange and Blue

This weekend I spent the majority of my time in Gator Country. Something about being there makes me really happy. The street signs and the fire hydrants are painted orange and blue. Everyone is really friendly (although that's probably because the majority of them are drunk). Game day's are amazing. Everyone is decked out in their Gator Garb, painted faces, dyed hair, painted bodies. The vibe is amazing. My dad somehow managed to get 6 tickets to the Troy game. Those tickets went to me, Flander, Rash, N, Moo, and Dad.

Dad picked me up from college Friday night and took me to Nana and Gidow's in P.C. I hung out there, did some laundry, and caught up on a little homework. The next morning we woke up super early and left for UF. We stopped by Publix to get some lunch and then headed over to my older bro's dorm room. I took a little nap on his bed (breaking the two UF rules of girls not taking their shoes off and not falling asleep) because I felt like total crap, but I was NOT about to miss my man Timmy in action. After a short nap, Moo called and met us in the dorm. We hung out until Rash and N got there too. (Both of them are really sweet and I had a great time with everyone) Suddenly it was time for Gator Walk. We headed over to University Dr only to find all of the good places taken. So we had to stand in the back of the crowd with NO chance of molesting... I mean high-fiving... Timmy. Still, just seeing him gave me the heebie-jeebies. He's almost too perfect. He's glorified to an almost Godly position. I really have no clue how the team will survive next year without him. :(

Anyways, after Gator Walk we headed back to the dorm. X and I talked on my spacephone about our sworn enemy and how we're going to make him see the error of his ways. And soon enough, it was game time. We headed over to the stadium, said hey to Weegie, B-Cakes, and El Presidente, and then went to find our seats. We had a really good view of the entire field and were having a really good time until the monsoon of the century hit. It literally rained throughout the WHOLE game. I was soaked to the bone. Luckily the woman sitting next to me had a poncho that she let me put my spacephone under. (That's the thing about fellow Gators, they're always there to lend a helping hand.) All-in-all, the game was a great experience. We won (of course) and I got to make some nice new friends. Too bad the rain didn't help my sickness, so when we got back to Moos apartment, she had to play mommy-doctor and medicate me into a deep sleep. I slept for 13 whole hours!! I wish I had felt better so I could have had the chance to catch up with Moo. :(

Well, after waking up, Dad and Flander drove me back to college and I finished the rest of my homework/caught up with Jessi, Jor Jor, and Bee.

I'm really excited for tomorrow because after classes are over X IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!! It's going to be a super good time... although he can't come up and see my room or anything. :(
Oh well, a visit is a visit no matter how you look at it. :) :) :)

Anatomy of My Love Life (or lack there of)

Walking to class, to dinner, or even just to get mail I am constantly surrounded by hand holding, giggling, and PDA. When Bee and I are together we look at each other and frown, longingly, for the same reason. We don't understand how people can be "together" already after a week and a half of class. Questions run through our heads... Did they come here together? Did they know each other before? Or were they just lucky enough to find each other? Those sets of questions are followed by a new set .... How did they meet? Where did they meet? When will I find someone like that? This summer I realized that I have changed from the flirtatious teenager I was in high school to a prim and proper Southern Belle. No, I don't ma'am and sir everyone, or speak with a Southern drawl, but I do hold the same ideals as those girls. I'm about as far from a feminist as you'll ever meet. While I didn't come to college for my MRS, I do know that if I happen to meet someone I'll graduate with my BA/BS whatever it is and never use the degree. If I never teach a day in my life, I'll be happy. As long as I have a husband and babies. I don't plan on being one of those mothers that goes back to work (not that there's anything wrong with that at all). I just want to be like my mom and stay at home. Maybe I'll teach half-days at preschool if I have to. But I mean really have to, as in we won't survive if I don't.

Another thing those S.B.'s and I have in common are our ideas on dating. It's the "wait around" method. Like I said, in high school I wasn't like that. I went out and pursued who I wanted. But now, I don't want to do that. It's the Southern Belle way to sit around, looking pretty, and waiting for someone to show interest. Then and only then do you show any kind of interest back. I'm not sure how effective this method is, but it's all I can do now. I've tried the other way, only to get doors slammed in my face, words flipped around, and overall sadness. So now I'm just sitting back and waiting for someone to come. I guess this is kinda what Bar wanted me to do. She'd always laugh at me and ask why I always found at boy at every youth retreat (and thinking back, that's how I distinguish between years of camp...). She'd tell me to sit back and wait. Because God has a plan for me. He has someone picked out for me. And if you don't believe in God, think of it as fate. Or a soulmate. Everyone has one, not everyone marries theirs.

Now, I am well aware of the fact that this plan isn't full proof by any means. I might end up unhappy. But I've been unhappy before and I know that I can get through it. Check back in seven years and see how it went for me. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's watched one too many romantic comedies. But I don't think that's what it is. I'll just stick to my Southern ideals and hope and pray that something comes along... Eventually. I'm not rushing anything. I'm only 18. I have a while before a shrivel up and die.

AHHHHH

I never understood the meaning of the word "despise" until recently. (Despise- verb- to regard as worthless) Worthless.... it's not the same as hate, it's kind of the opposite. It's indifference. Not caring what happens. Not caring if someone succeeds or fails in life. It's an interesting thing actually. I am, of course, referring to a specific person. I could care less what happens to them. I'm actually leaning to the wanting to see him fail side. I know that's terrible and I shouldn't, but they deserve it. From lying to me, to lying to a friend, to being an overall a** to other friends, they've done enough. I'm done.

What I really need to do is tell them how mad they make me. and how terrible of a person they are. But I know they'll just turn my words around or deny the truth. So I'll just sit and fester. Some day, probably soon, they'll do something to me again and then I'll explode in their face. BOOM! Dead. I couldn't care less.

The end. I had to do that. Sorry.

*Next morning*
It seems that every single day something new comes up that makes me despise this person even more. If I see him when I get home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever, I am going to be really tempted to haul out and hit him. Hard. I guess watching Sod King lay him out in football wasn't enough for me. I need to give him my own dose of pain. I'm actually thinking about taking JP up on his offer to get him tipsy and then invite me over to kick him. Repeatedly. Until he's sober enough to remember. That would sure as anything get my anger out.

Now in all honesty, I would never ever do any of those things to him. I wouldn't mind never having to see him again, but chances of that happening are slim to none. I just hope he realizes how stupid he is and how he can't just turn everything around to be my fault, or her fault, or his fault. Anyone but his own. That's not how it works dude. You can't take my entire summer away from me and then drop it when she comes back from Europa. Doesn't work like that. Put down that bong/joint/whatever they call it now you little liar. "I'll never go back to that." Yes, that's a quote directly from you. Idiot....

I'm at college now, 100 miles away from him, and he still gets into my brain. I think I'll just enlist some help from back home to take out my anger for me. Nothing bad, just enough for him to realize he's a terrible human being.

Reflection

Reflection (noun) -a thought occurring in consideration or meditation.
Synonym - contemplate

My English Comp assignment for this half of the semester is to write a "personal reflection". We're supposed to write a four page paper about our mantra, our personal philosophy of life. The title of this paper is supposed to be a single sentence. Something clever or serious, metaphorical or literal, fiction or nonfiction. I've spent the last week since getting this assignment trying to figure out my title. What have I learned in my short 18 years? What do I have to teach to anyone? What wisdom have I gained through my experiences? I know that I've learned tons of lessons. Too many to count. But how can those lessons be simplified into one clear and concise statement? Well, I've spent most of my waking hour contemplating this, (see I'm already reflecting), and I think I may have come up with a clever statement. Get ready for it....

"Always be prepared to catch the Frisbee" (If you can't tell, I've been thinking about/missing Summer Ultimate a lot. I really wish I was back in Smallsville so I could play every Sunday. Get to talk to everyone, and maybe even get sweaty hugs from disgusting, but sweet, guys.) Let me explain that statement though. It can be looked at two ways, both of which are what I was going for. The literal meaning is obviously be on the lookout for the frisbee. Catch it when it comes at you. This will help you avoid physical injury and ridicule from others. The metaphorical meaning is similar. Be prepared for life. It comes at you fast and if you're not ready for something you will get hurt. You have to accept the consequences if you're not prepared, if you don't have a plan, or if your plan doesn't have the right timing. Just like with a frisbee, if you try to catch to early or too late you won't succeed in getting what you want (in the literal case, the frisbee, in the metaphorical sense, the person, circumstance, grade, etc.) Another parallel between Ultimate and life is the people. Ultimate requires teamwork. You have rely on your teammates to score. In life, you have to rely on your family and friends to help you succeed. You can't do life alone. You can't play Ultimate alone. The help of others is necessary.

I still can't decide if this is the way I want to go with my paper. I have a while to decide and can use all the help I can get. This was just me throwing my ideas onto some sort of paper and attempting to organize them.

Now that that's out I'll talk a little about this week at school. I think I've gotten the hang of classes and school work. I get things done in a timely manner (usually) and tend to understand what I'm doing and how this school runs. I have even made a couple new friends, a guy, Boston, that I met while watching the Gator game. He's really nice. And a couple of sweet girls from my Learning Community. This year will be great, especially now that I have actually gotten around to meeting people other than Bee, Jessi, and Jor Jor.

This weekend is the UF/Troy game. I'm super excited to go because I get to stay at Moo's. And I also (hopefully) get to see JP. I've missed Moo a lot since she left and I can't wait to catch up with her, and I never really gave JP a proper goodbye and I've been talking to him a lot lately, so actually seeing him will be nice.

Something else I've been thinking about a lot is my happiness. I think I have finally realized that I am in charge of my own happiness and feelings. I can control how I feel about a situation and I can choose to look on the bright side of that. For example, college. I can choose to be sad that I'm here, away from everyone, or I can be happy because I'm making new friends and having a great time. I've decided to choose the latter. It's like looking on the bright side of life. Finding the good in something that seems all bad. Nothing is as terrible as it could be... I'm still your best friend (I don't kid when I say that) and that's enough for me. I'm happy. Promise. Swear. Whatever makes you believe me.

Too much thinking for one day... I've gotta go to Language Lab and get my ASL done so Prof. Renato doesn't spank me or something.

Good News, good days, and good friends

Yesterday morning, Bee and I woke up and went to Good News PCA. KristiKatt had told me all about the church and how it was packed full of hot/nice guys, and boy was she right. We sat through a church service and then headed down to the gym to get some free food and meet people. We sat at a table with four nice people (two boys and two girls) and they told us all about the small group they lead every Tuesday. After lunch was over, we threw away our trash and got ready for Andy to take us back to school. Bee was talking to a random cute guy so I walked over so I could meet him too. I nearly died when he told me his last name. Why, you ask? Because he was none other than my future husband's brother! Yes, the husband I met at the Chianti Room. Yes, the one who has a girlfriend. Yes, the one who I'll never actually date. But oh well, that's my life for you. Always have a crush on the unavailable ones. Ha, but anyways, Little Ward invited us to hang out this week and even offered to take us to his small group, which is held on Sundays I believe. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out which small group we'll be going to... (small group with some nice people or small group with my future husband? hmmm...) Well, little Ward offered to take us back to school but by that time, Andy already had the van pulled around so we had to decline. :( Maybe we'll hang out with him... and his hottie brother.... sometime this week.

Anywho, after church Andy took us back to school and we waited for Weegie and my boys to get here. When they got here we went to the park, the beach, and Chili's. I had probably one of the best days I've had in a long time. I really missed my boys and it was great just being with them. Running around, acting nuts, and getting lots of hugs and kisses. Soon, it was time for my babies to leave me again. They were getting tired and Carty starting feeling sick. :( So I had to let them go and came back up to my dorm for the rest of the night.

This is when the downward slope started. Honestly, I deserved to feel like crap for the next hour. I don't know what triggered it, but I had an entire hour of that pre-cry feeling. You know the one where you can't breathe properly and you know you're going to break down at any second? Yep, that's how I felt... but here's where the "good friends" part of this title comes in. I have this new friend. I met him this summer, oddly enough through a guy I no longer talk to (or at least I try not to talk to...). But this new friend, he's pretty amazing. It's almost like having another girl best friend (lol, but I swear he's not gay), he's just really good at listening and understanding. I was talking to him on fb chat and he knew that something was up. The best thing about him is the fact that he doesn't "ask" me what's wrong, he "demands" to know. It's not like "Do you want to tell me?", it's more "Tell me what happened." He does it in a way that's totally cool and not intrusive (if that's possible) and every time he does that I spill my guts. He knew what to say and made me feel better again. Then he had to go to bed, so I spent the next three? hours talking to Xander on Skype. (I mentioned you, happy now?) I had to go to bed around one because my STUPID college doesn't observe any holidays. (Other than stuff like Thanksgiving and Christmas) So I have class in two and a half hours. Time to go pick up the package from my mommy and then maybe take a nap. HOORAY for college...

Regrets

As I sit here at my desk waiting for 5 to roll around I find my brain remembering the past four years. Throughout high school I did some stupid stuff whether it was caused by my desire to fit in, my need to seem "cool", or just regular stupidity. I regret a lot of things I have done during my time at THS and my summers between each year. Each and every time period, from freshman year to the past summer, has its own set of regrets, mistakes I made that I'd rather forget. But it's impossible to forget them and I know that without each mistake, I wouldn't be the person I have become. I wouldn't be as secure with the real me, the person I am becoming at college.

Here are just a few mistakes/regrets from each year.

9th grade - Working so hard to impress the "popular" kids.
"Going out" with KF (he was a jerk and I broke my parent's rules)

10th grade and the summer after 10th - Not trying out for leadership
Spending all of camp with TB

11th - Blaming myself for TB's decisions
Not spending as much time with my good friends
Not taking AP Lit/Lang (I would have gotten a 4 if I had

12th grade - Ditching my friends again
Hanging out with CupCake the second part of the year
Going to CupCake's house

The summer before college has too many regrets to even begin to write about. I shouldn't have ignored advice from a friend and believed someone else. I shouldn't have been afraid to express my feelings or cared what anyone else thought of them. Waiting until it was too late was a mistake. But when I think about it, I wouldn't change anything about this past summer if I was given the chance. I did have a lot of fun, even though that fun didn't amount to anything. I tried my hardest to help someone who didn't really want to be helped. And because I believed that they wanted to be helped, and that I was the one they needed, I threw away something I could have had and really wanted to have.

But now that's all over. I don't believe in "too late". I don't think it's ever too late to change or get what you want. It just takes work. More work than I have the strength to give right now. But the point of this post was to get out my feelings and say that because of these mistakes, I now know who I am. I am free to run around, be crazy, hug pirates, call a boy I've never even said hi to my boyfriend, make jokes about people's names, and scream chicken mating calls at the top of my lungs while looking for Joe and Fiona. I'm now secure with who I am and I honestly don't care what ANYONE thinks of me. Sure, I'd love to have a big group of friends. Sure, I really want to have a boyfriend who I actually have talked to and who doesn't have a girlfriend. Sure, I'd like to fit in and be liked. But if none of that happens, I'll be fine. I have learned what I am and am not willing to do. What I have done and will not do ever again.

I'm sure that I'll make plenty more mistakes while I'm here. But they won't be the same ones I've already made. They'll be different and help shape me into the person I am meant to be for the rest of my life.

The moral of my life story is... "Don't care what other people think." "Don't be afraid to speak your mind." and "Do what you think is right, no matter what."