I've found a better day. Not a perfect one, but better.

• We got "boo'd" aka someone gave us a big bag of candy.

• I went to math, which was boring as usual. But I do love Prof. Nickles.

• Went to lunch with J&J and ate some yummy chimichangas.

• V and I went to the writing center and I helped a foreign girl fix her English. It reminded me of all the little grammatical mistakes the Germans used to make. And she really appreciated my understanding.

• Then I had to go watch two stupid ASL videos. I really hate those movies.

• Went to A&J's room to borrow their vac. We just sat there and talked for a while which was really good because it reminded me that I do have friends other than B J&J here.

• SOON I'm going to the G's house to carve pumpkins!!!! I can't wait to see how big the baby is.
  

Keep Holding On

And we'll make it through...

Or so I hope.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to do this.


Just one more month til Thanksgiving.

MPA

This weekend I went back to Smallsville with my Loverface so we could watch our band babies preform at MPA. I was supposed to ride home from college with Loverface, but the college dining staff decided that they hate me and poisoned my food. No joke... I got food poisoning from the dining hall. Undercooked chicken or something of that nature. Erik (that's Mr B to you Smallsville band kids) told me to just boycott the dining hall for the next year, but seeing as it's the only place to eat I guess I can't do that...

Anyhoo (yes that's a real word, it's in the Oxford Dictionary)... I got food poisoning, so my mom and uncle came to get me Friday. I didn't go to a single class and only one of my stupid professors e-mailed me back. I got home, rested up, and waited for Lover to get there. Once she was there, we sat on my bed and talked for a long time. I love her. :) We texted the Schwahn once they got back from their football game and got two seats on the buses to festival, which made us both super excited. After a long time of talking, we finally went to bed and prepared for the next day's festivities.

Saturday - We woke up kinda early, ate, and got ready to head up to Smallsville High. We didn't want to get there to early because I know far too well how stressful MPA day can be. And sure enough, we got there and Schwahn was running around, the DMs were freaking, KT was a mess, and random bandies were asking stupid questions. Big Spicy and the love of my life, Erik, were super calm... probably because they had no clue what was going on. Schwahn gave the usual speeches and then I got kicked out (which was really weird) for the usual ceremony.
Loverface and I rode on Erik's bus and I really really loved being back in the band atmosphere There really is no other group of people anywhere around that have the same dynamic we do. Where else do you find 200+ teens working together for the same thing? It still amazes me even though I was a part of it for four years. We had to miss AHS' preformance because we were in warm-up, but I was rooting for Greggy and his minions. (They ended up getting an overall superior)
After warm-up, Loverface, D-Rok, the other alumni and I walked to the stadium to watch them go. We were all really excited to get to see them preform from such a different perspective. They, of course, did amazingly. I'm really proud of what they accomplished this year. I know it was really rough, and at times a superior seemed impossible. But accomplish they did, and they were awarded straight superiors. :)
After they preformed, we all went to sit with the band in the visitor's bleachers. We ate, watched other bands, heard the ratings, and headed home. I started feeling icky again while watching other people preform, but I got to sit next to Erik on the way home (thanks to my little Cuban friend) and we got to talk about everything from school to hurricanes.

Sunday was spent with mi madre, helping her out at a birthday party.

Being home is great, especially when I get to be around old friends. I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anyone when I'm there. Things are just like they used to be.... Z singing in my ear on the bus, Zube searching for me when he can't fix his jacket, Fun-size jumping on my back when I'm not paying attention to her. Heck, even D-Rok came and blocked the sun from my face when I was lying down. I didn't even have to ask him to stand there.

I miss high school, but Erik did a good job reassuring me that I'll find some friends among these drunken, demon worshipping, tobacco addicted people. Hopefully he was right.

Montag again

Yesterday was actually a lot of fun. :-)

I woke up, read a little for Art, and watched some TV on cast-tv.com.

Classes went smoothly. We went on a spontaneous art field trip (aka going to Wiley to see some obscura thing). History is always a good time. I love learning about the olden days. English was okay. Our intros were due, but mine sucked so I told Dr. Dan that I'd e-mail her a new one. She really liked it, so all is well. ASL is going good too. I went in front of class and signed some stuff.

J&J decided to skip class so we went to dinner right after ASL. Then we hung out in Ringhaver. Bethy had a meeting at 730 so I went back to our room and.... gasp..... practiced clarinet. I volunteered for the spring musical - Carousel, which is really good according to RayRy. He was excited when I told him that I volunteered. Anyhoo, after practicing, we all had a movie/dance party night in FEC. Stalking tower C, watching Music and Lyrics, and making a crazy dance video.

During this time, a certain person finally realized that I was upset with them. We talked about it and I bent wayyy to easily. Looking back at the conversation we had last night I now realize that you are no different than he was. "I'm not him". B.S. You are the same person and I'm not going to pretend like I did something wrong.

But I didn't let that little run-in ruin my night. I love my friends. :)

People

People disappoint me. I have high expectations for them and then they epically fail at meeting those expectations. I guess that just reaffirms my decision to ditch them. I'm done with the two of you, neither of you deserve any more chances. I am not going to fall asleep thinking about you guys or crying about y'all either. Sorry. Oh, and by the way, I finally clicked the delete button on that text thread. And I feel liberated. :)

Note to friends- the one thing I hate more than anything else is a liar. And keeping quiet about something is the same as lying. Don't tell me you don't do something if you really do. Just be freaking honest about it. Please. It'll save me.. and you... a lot of pain.

I used to lie about things to my parents all the time. I think I got a little joy out of it. But I've felt the other end of the deal now. Being lied to sucks more than anything and I doubt I'll ever be the same person I once was. No one really understands how bad that hurt. But I am turning my life around. Going to church, being good, living the life I know I should live. Promise.

Retail Therapy

It's a real thing.. look it up on Wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retail_therapy

We're heading over to J ville tomorrow for some serious shopping... Tonight was a good time. We rented The Proposal, bought candy, and danced around the towers. Bad part of today - having to get sprayed for termites for the SECOND time. This has gotten to be a serious problem and I'm definitely talking to Residence Life on Monday.

Also, I'm super excited because I'm going to marching festival with Loverface next weekend. I can't wait to see my babies in action!!!!!!!

Last night I found myself lying in bed reading through old texts, remembering what the summer was like. I found myself smiling and laughing at stupid things that were said either by me or by P as we texted his work day away. Rereading and remembering these times was not a good idea. Why? Well because I almost forgot what a jerk and a liar he is. I need to bring myself to click the delete button and not have anything left to remind me of those fake, happy times. What I really need is for him to admit that he was a jerk and a liar but that's never ever going to happen. So I need to find a different way to get over it.

My heart has been hurting lately. I spent most of today trying to figure out why, and I'm pretty sure I came up with the reason. It has nothing to do with P or X, I've come to accept the fact that neither of them were ever going to be right for me, but I'll still be friends with the both of them. My heart's pain has been caused by something different. I realized that I hurt the most on Saturday when I was watching my little bro go off to homecoming with all of his friends. I wanted more than anything in the world to be going with him. But I know that this time of my life is over. I won't ever get into uniform and march the halftime show again, nor will I ever dress up and go to a dance in the Smallsville gym. I should have figured all of this out a while ago, but it never hit me until now. It was a stab in the heart when I figured out that Smallsville goes on without me. My old friends still live their lives and I am less a part of them.

I really just want to be back there and be a part of the town again. Be able to do all the things I did in high school. I never would have imagined that I'd be one of those people. One of those people who can't let go of high school and move on with their life.

The problem is, I can't move on. There isn't anything to do here other than schoolwork and even that doesn't take up enough time. So I sit in my dorm or in the student center thinking about what I would be doing if I were still in high school. It really isn't healthy but there honestly isn't anything else to do. I've tried to connect with clubs and organizations. There aren't any worth my time. What to do, what to do?