Last night I found myself lying in bed reading through old texts, remembering what the summer was like. I found myself smiling and laughing at stupid things that were said either by me or by P as we texted his work day away. Rereading and remembering these times was not a good idea. Why? Well because I almost forgot what a jerk and a liar he is. I need to bring myself to click the delete button and not have anything left to remind me of those fake, happy times. What I really need is for him to admit that he was a jerk and a liar but that's never ever going to happen. So I need to find a different way to get over it.

My heart has been hurting lately. I spent most of today trying to figure out why, and I'm pretty sure I came up with the reason. It has nothing to do with P or X, I've come to accept the fact that neither of them were ever going to be right for me, but I'll still be friends with the both of them. My heart's pain has been caused by something different. I realized that I hurt the most on Saturday when I was watching my little bro go off to homecoming with all of his friends. I wanted more than anything in the world to be going with him. But I know that this time of my life is over. I won't ever get into uniform and march the halftime show again, nor will I ever dress up and go to a dance in the Smallsville gym. I should have figured all of this out a while ago, but it never hit me until now. It was a stab in the heart when I figured out that Smallsville goes on without me. My old friends still live their lives and I am less a part of them.

I really just want to be back there and be a part of the town again. Be able to do all the things I did in high school. I never would have imagined that I'd be one of those people. One of those people who can't let go of high school and move on with their life.

The problem is, I can't move on. There isn't anything to do here other than schoolwork and even that doesn't take up enough time. So I sit in my dorm or in the student center thinking about what I would be doing if I were still in high school. It really isn't healthy but there honestly isn't anything else to do. I've tried to connect with clubs and organizations. There aren't any worth my time. What to do, what to do?