Analyzing my Thoughts

I've been feeling super down lately and I have come to realize that I have caused my own downness. (let's just pretend that's a real word, okay?)

I honestly think that I tend to wait until it's too late to say/do things because I'm afraid of happiness. Being happy scares me because nothing lasts forever. Happiness will always end in despair. The only question is when this despair will come. I've been taking this fact of life and spinning it the wrong way. You see, if you live your life not opening up to people and trying to avoid happiness because of the despair it causes, you just end up sad all the time. If you go out and grab what you need to be happy, you get some good times. Sure the bad will come, but won't the good outweigh that?

I know it's a little too late for me to have figured that one out. I don't have a time machine, so I can't go back and fix the problem I have created for myself. I can't go back and, honestly, I'm not sure that I would if I did have such a machine. While the place I am now sucks and I can't say what I want to because it would be a total disaster, I know that it will end up working out eventually. Someday I'll get what I've always wanted, but I will not push what I want away anymore. Things don't just land in your lap, you have to fight. I'm willing to fight now.