Anatomy of My Love Life (or lack there of)

Walking to class, to dinner, or even just to get mail I am constantly surrounded by hand holding, giggling, and PDA. When Bee and I are together we look at each other and frown, longingly, for the same reason. We don't understand how people can be "together" already after a week and a half of class. Questions run through our heads... Did they come here together? Did they know each other before? Or were they just lucky enough to find each other? Those sets of questions are followed by a new set .... How did they meet? Where did they meet? When will I find someone like that? This summer I realized that I have changed from the flirtatious teenager I was in high school to a prim and proper Southern Belle. No, I don't ma'am and sir everyone, or speak with a Southern drawl, but I do hold the same ideals as those girls. I'm about as far from a feminist as you'll ever meet. While I didn't come to college for my MRS, I do know that if I happen to meet someone I'll graduate with my BA/BS whatever it is and never use the degree. If I never teach a day in my life, I'll be happy. As long as I have a husband and babies. I don't plan on being one of those mothers that goes back to work (not that there's anything wrong with that at all). I just want to be like my mom and stay at home. Maybe I'll teach half-days at preschool if I have to. But I mean really have to, as in we won't survive if I don't.

Another thing those S.B.'s and I have in common are our ideas on dating. It's the "wait around" method. Like I said, in high school I wasn't like that. I went out and pursued who I wanted. But now, I don't want to do that. It's the Southern Belle way to sit around, looking pretty, and waiting for someone to show interest. Then and only then do you show any kind of interest back. I'm not sure how effective this method is, but it's all I can do now. I've tried the other way, only to get doors slammed in my face, words flipped around, and overall sadness. So now I'm just sitting back and waiting for someone to come. I guess this is kinda what Bar wanted me to do. She'd always laugh at me and ask why I always found at boy at every youth retreat (and thinking back, that's how I distinguish between years of camp...). She'd tell me to sit back and wait. Because God has a plan for me. He has someone picked out for me. And if you don't believe in God, think of it as fate. Or a soulmate. Everyone has one, not everyone marries theirs.

Now, I am well aware of the fact that this plan isn't full proof by any means. I might end up unhappy. But I've been unhappy before and I know that I can get through it. Check back in seven years and see how it went for me. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's watched one too many romantic comedies. But I don't think that's what it is. I'll just stick to my Southern ideals and hope and pray that something comes along... Eventually. I'm not rushing anything. I'm only 18. I have a while before a shrivel up and die.

AHHHHH

I never understood the meaning of the word "despise" until recently. (Despise- verb- to regard as worthless) Worthless.... it's not the same as hate, it's kind of the opposite. It's indifference. Not caring what happens. Not caring if someone succeeds or fails in life. It's an interesting thing actually. I am, of course, referring to a specific person. I could care less what happens to them. I'm actually leaning to the wanting to see him fail side. I know that's terrible and I shouldn't, but they deserve it. From lying to me, to lying to a friend, to being an overall a** to other friends, they've done enough. I'm done.

What I really need to do is tell them how mad they make me. and how terrible of a person they are. But I know they'll just turn my words around or deny the truth. So I'll just sit and fester. Some day, probably soon, they'll do something to me again and then I'll explode in their face. BOOM! Dead. I couldn't care less.

The end. I had to do that. Sorry.

*Next morning*
It seems that every single day something new comes up that makes me despise this person even more. If I see him when I get home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever, I am going to be really tempted to haul out and hit him. Hard. I guess watching Sod King lay him out in football wasn't enough for me. I need to give him my own dose of pain. I'm actually thinking about taking JP up on his offer to get him tipsy and then invite me over to kick him. Repeatedly. Until he's sober enough to remember. That would sure as anything get my anger out.

Now in all honesty, I would never ever do any of those things to him. I wouldn't mind never having to see him again, but chances of that happening are slim to none. I just hope he realizes how stupid he is and how he can't just turn everything around to be my fault, or her fault, or his fault. Anyone but his own. That's not how it works dude. You can't take my entire summer away from me and then drop it when she comes back from Europa. Doesn't work like that. Put down that bong/joint/whatever they call it now you little liar. "I'll never go back to that." Yes, that's a quote directly from you. Idiot....

I'm at college now, 100 miles away from him, and he still gets into my brain. I think I'll just enlist some help from back home to take out my anger for me. Nothing bad, just enough for him to realize he's a terrible human being.

Reflection

Reflection (noun) -a thought occurring in consideration or meditation.
Synonym - contemplate

My English Comp assignment for this half of the semester is to write a "personal reflection". We're supposed to write a four page paper about our mantra, our personal philosophy of life. The title of this paper is supposed to be a single sentence. Something clever or serious, metaphorical or literal, fiction or nonfiction. I've spent the last week since getting this assignment trying to figure out my title. What have I learned in my short 18 years? What do I have to teach to anyone? What wisdom have I gained through my experiences? I know that I've learned tons of lessons. Too many to count. But how can those lessons be simplified into one clear and concise statement? Well, I've spent most of my waking hour contemplating this, (see I'm already reflecting), and I think I may have come up with a clever statement. Get ready for it....

"Always be prepared to catch the Frisbee" (If you can't tell, I've been thinking about/missing Summer Ultimate a lot. I really wish I was back in Smallsville so I could play every Sunday. Get to talk to everyone, and maybe even get sweaty hugs from disgusting, but sweet, guys.) Let me explain that statement though. It can be looked at two ways, both of which are what I was going for. The literal meaning is obviously be on the lookout for the frisbee. Catch it when it comes at you. This will help you avoid physical injury and ridicule from others. The metaphorical meaning is similar. Be prepared for life. It comes at you fast and if you're not ready for something you will get hurt. You have to accept the consequences if you're not prepared, if you don't have a plan, or if your plan doesn't have the right timing. Just like with a frisbee, if you try to catch to early or too late you won't succeed in getting what you want (in the literal case, the frisbee, in the metaphorical sense, the person, circumstance, grade, etc.) Another parallel between Ultimate and life is the people. Ultimate requires teamwork. You have rely on your teammates to score. In life, you have to rely on your family and friends to help you succeed. You can't do life alone. You can't play Ultimate alone. The help of others is necessary.

I still can't decide if this is the way I want to go with my paper. I have a while to decide and can use all the help I can get. This was just me throwing my ideas onto some sort of paper and attempting to organize them.

Now that that's out I'll talk a little about this week at school. I think I've gotten the hang of classes and school work. I get things done in a timely manner (usually) and tend to understand what I'm doing and how this school runs. I have even made a couple new friends, a guy, Boston, that I met while watching the Gator game. He's really nice. And a couple of sweet girls from my Learning Community. This year will be great, especially now that I have actually gotten around to meeting people other than Bee, Jessi, and Jor Jor.

This weekend is the UF/Troy game. I'm super excited to go because I get to stay at Moo's. And I also (hopefully) get to see JP. I've missed Moo a lot since she left and I can't wait to catch up with her, and I never really gave JP a proper goodbye and I've been talking to him a lot lately, so actually seeing him will be nice.

Something else I've been thinking about a lot is my happiness. I think I have finally realized that I am in charge of my own happiness and feelings. I can control how I feel about a situation and I can choose to look on the bright side of that. For example, college. I can choose to be sad that I'm here, away from everyone, or I can be happy because I'm making new friends and having a great time. I've decided to choose the latter. It's like looking on the bright side of life. Finding the good in something that seems all bad. Nothing is as terrible as it could be... I'm still your best friend (I don't kid when I say that) and that's enough for me. I'm happy. Promise. Swear. Whatever makes you believe me.

Too much thinking for one day... I've gotta go to Language Lab and get my ASL done so Prof. Renato doesn't spank me or something.

Good News, good days, and good friends

Yesterday morning, Bee and I woke up and went to Good News PCA. KristiKatt had told me all about the church and how it was packed full of hot/nice guys, and boy was she right. We sat through a church service and then headed down to the gym to get some free food and meet people. We sat at a table with four nice people (two boys and two girls) and they told us all about the small group they lead every Tuesday. After lunch was over, we threw away our trash and got ready for Andy to take us back to school. Bee was talking to a random cute guy so I walked over so I could meet him too. I nearly died when he told me his last name. Why, you ask? Because he was none other than my future husband's brother! Yes, the husband I met at the Chianti Room. Yes, the one who has a girlfriend. Yes, the one who I'll never actually date. But oh well, that's my life for you. Always have a crush on the unavailable ones. Ha, but anyways, Little Ward invited us to hang out this week and even offered to take us to his small group, which is held on Sundays I believe. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out which small group we'll be going to... (small group with some nice people or small group with my future husband? hmmm...) Well, little Ward offered to take us back to school but by that time, Andy already had the van pulled around so we had to decline. :( Maybe we'll hang out with him... and his hottie brother.... sometime this week.

Anywho, after church Andy took us back to school and we waited for Weegie and my boys to get here. When they got here we went to the park, the beach, and Chili's. I had probably one of the best days I've had in a long time. I really missed my boys and it was great just being with them. Running around, acting nuts, and getting lots of hugs and kisses. Soon, it was time for my babies to leave me again. They were getting tired and Carty starting feeling sick. :( So I had to let them go and came back up to my dorm for the rest of the night.

This is when the downward slope started. Honestly, I deserved to feel like crap for the next hour. I don't know what triggered it, but I had an entire hour of that pre-cry feeling. You know the one where you can't breathe properly and you know you're going to break down at any second? Yep, that's how I felt... but here's where the "good friends" part of this title comes in. I have this new friend. I met him this summer, oddly enough through a guy I no longer talk to (or at least I try not to talk to...). But this new friend, he's pretty amazing. It's almost like having another girl best friend (lol, but I swear he's not gay), he's just really good at listening and understanding. I was talking to him on fb chat and he knew that something was up. The best thing about him is the fact that he doesn't "ask" me what's wrong, he "demands" to know. It's not like "Do you want to tell me?", it's more "Tell me what happened." He does it in a way that's totally cool and not intrusive (if that's possible) and every time he does that I spill my guts. He knew what to say and made me feel better again. Then he had to go to bed, so I spent the next three? hours talking to Xander on Skype. (I mentioned you, happy now?) I had to go to bed around one because my STUPID college doesn't observe any holidays. (Other than stuff like Thanksgiving and Christmas) So I have class in two and a half hours. Time to go pick up the package from my mommy and then maybe take a nap. HOORAY for college...

Regrets

As I sit here at my desk waiting for 5 to roll around I find my brain remembering the past four years. Throughout high school I did some stupid stuff whether it was caused by my desire to fit in, my need to seem "cool", or just regular stupidity. I regret a lot of things I have done during my time at THS and my summers between each year. Each and every time period, from freshman year to the past summer, has its own set of regrets, mistakes I made that I'd rather forget. But it's impossible to forget them and I know that without each mistake, I wouldn't be the person I have become. I wouldn't be as secure with the real me, the person I am becoming at college.

Here are just a few mistakes/regrets from each year.

9th grade - Working so hard to impress the "popular" kids.
"Going out" with KF (he was a jerk and I broke my parent's rules)

10th grade and the summer after 10th - Not trying out for leadership
Spending all of camp with TB

11th - Blaming myself for TB's decisions
Not spending as much time with my good friends
Not taking AP Lit/Lang (I would have gotten a 4 if I had

12th grade - Ditching my friends again
Hanging out with CupCake the second part of the year
Going to CupCake's house

The summer before college has too many regrets to even begin to write about. I shouldn't have ignored advice from a friend and believed someone else. I shouldn't have been afraid to express my feelings or cared what anyone else thought of them. Waiting until it was too late was a mistake. But when I think about it, I wouldn't change anything about this past summer if I was given the chance. I did have a lot of fun, even though that fun didn't amount to anything. I tried my hardest to help someone who didn't really want to be helped. And because I believed that they wanted to be helped, and that I was the one they needed, I threw away something I could have had and really wanted to have.

But now that's all over. I don't believe in "too late". I don't think it's ever too late to change or get what you want. It just takes work. More work than I have the strength to give right now. But the point of this post was to get out my feelings and say that because of these mistakes, I now know who I am. I am free to run around, be crazy, hug pirates, call a boy I've never even said hi to my boyfriend, make jokes about people's names, and scream chicken mating calls at the top of my lungs while looking for Joe and Fiona. I'm now secure with who I am and I honestly don't care what ANYONE thinks of me. Sure, I'd love to have a big group of friends. Sure, I really want to have a boyfriend who I actually have talked to and who doesn't have a girlfriend. Sure, I'd like to fit in and be liked. But if none of that happens, I'll be fine. I have learned what I am and am not willing to do. What I have done and will not do ever again.

I'm sure that I'll make plenty more mistakes while I'm here. But they won't be the same ones I've already made. They'll be different and help shape me into the person I am meant to be for the rest of my life.

The moral of my life story is... "Don't care what other people think." "Don't be afraid to speak your mind." and "Do what you think is right, no matter what."

Last night, Math, and stupid homework

Today has been a really long day. I can hardly believe that I was hanging out in the FEC building last night. It seems like that happened forever ago. But it was indeed around 8 p.m. yesterday that Bee and I were hanging out in Jess and Dan's room. Their room is sooo big, it's ridiculous. The best part about the FEC towers is that you can look out your window and see straight into the boys' rooms. Jess was telling us about a fight she was having with the boys directly across from her. Apparently the boys are huge Ravens fans and Jess is in love with the Steelers. So Jess hung up a bunch of Steelers logos in her window and the boys started hanging up Ravens jerseys. After she told us this story Bee and I told her about Rayban Ryan and how we bumped into him at Disney and about some of the funny jokes we made about him and his friends. Right when we finished this story, Jess looks out the window and screams "OMG! OUR ENEMIES ARE IN THEIR ROOM AGAIN!!" Bee and I rush over to the window and see none other than Rayban Ryan! We fell on the floor laughing at this coincidence. Bee and I added him on facebook so we could make fun of him and actually become friends instead of creepy stalkers. It was getting late by the time all of this had happened, so we headed back to our room and went to sleep.

This morning I had my math class. The concepts covered in class seem pretty easy, but we'll probably end up teaching ourselves. We're expected to just read the book and understand what's going on without any real instruction. I spent two hours doing about three quarters of my homework. College is absolutely crazy. In addition to my math homework, my Visual Cultures teacher gave me two 20+ page articles. That wouldn't have been a big deal if she would have just wanted us to read them and then be ready to discuss in class. But NOO, she wants us to read them, understand exactly what they're saying, and summarize them on paper, in class, without the articles in front of us. I sure hope she doesn't expect anything great. I'm hoping and praying that my teachers tomorrow go easy on the homework so I can actually have a fun weekend. I'm really excited to see Dragon!!!!

First Day of Class!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had four out of five classes today and I must say, I LOVE them all!! My art professor is really chill and we're supposed to call her Laura. That's gonna take some getting used to. My history teacher is really hilarious. He goes off on random tangents and makes jokes about everything. I don't think there was a single dull moment today. After those two courses I had to rush over to KH for my English Comp class, I was really nervous about getting the syllabus because it's an honors class. But it seems that it's going to be a lot easier than my AP classes, which is saying a lot. The longest paper I have to write is four pages long.

And then came ASL!!! I knew that my teacher was going to be deaf and mute so I was wondering how this was going to work. I sat by my friend Jenny and we waited for our teacher to get started. He was actually really easy to understand. He did something like charades to tell us about class and go through the syllabus. He was sooo funny and taught us a few easy signs. I was surprised at how much I understood. He said (or rather signed) that he understood that we were upset that we had class until 5 on Fridays so he promised to let us out at around 430 on those days. I'm really really excited now! Any doubt I had about deaf ed has left my head.

Those were the classes I had today. Tomorrow I have math. WOOHOO!

Bee and I have been hanging out a lot. I really like her and we're like the same person. Disney with her was tons of fun. We have a bunch of jokes already like "wild ride!" "rayban ry" and "why is there honey on the walls??" Now that classes have started I'm hoping to make a few more friends. I mean, I love Jess, Dan and and Bee but I'd love to meet a few more people. Today we're meeting a sophomore for dinner and hopefully he'll be able to introduce us to more people.

This weekend, Dragon is coming! I can't wait to see her and tell her all about my college adventures and hear all about hers. :)