5 and 3

Today marks the fifth day of my stomach ache. I really don't know what is making it hurt so badly. Every time I go to eat, the sharp pain comes back and just as I am beginning to get tired, it worsens. I wish I knew how to solve things like that.

Today also marks the third time I've woken up after crying myself to sleep. I honestly have no idea why. Because during the day I'm happy here and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be. But at night something comes over me and tears start streaming down my face. I'd really rather not talk about it, so please don't make me. The second I try to come up with an explanation, it starts again. I hate it. I never used to do this.

Please, please, please believe me when I say I love it in St. Auggie. I love it at Flagler. I don't want to go to school anywhere else. But as Sherwood says, "I miss home and I miss you. When there's no one around and nothing to do." It's only when I'm alone that I'm sad.

But enough of that, one thing that I'm super excited for is babysitting Saturday. My friend Paul and I are headed over to Paul's brother's house to babysit his son. I can't wait to see how much bigger he's gotten!!

Things that irk me:
Crying for no reason (so again, don't freaking ask)

Things that make me smile:
Babies
Lifelong friends

Confusion and Trust

Ever since I can remember, I've been a planner. I've had a plan for life, love, school, the future, everything. I guess I should say I'm a dreamer... since you can't really plan any of those things. But the problem with being a dreamer comes when you start believing your dreams. When you forget what's real and what's not. In elementary school I used to dream about my future husband, I'd meet him in high school and we'd date off and on until we finally got married when I was 20 and he was whatever just like every other married couple I can think of at the moment. In my dreams, I never went to college, or if I did, it definitely wasn't for four years, I didn't ever work, I never studied, I just lived that happy life everyone dreams of.

Problems with my dreams: I started believing them. But I didn't "on and off" date anyone in high school. I don't know any boys here either. I am in college and will be here until graduation. I have to study.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy here. I just wish I was able to trust God more than I do. I'm starting to read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and I hope that'll help. I need to remember that His plan is a million times better than my dreams. He'll make everything happen in His own time, not in my time. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. He carries me through the most troublesome times in my life. He is always there and has planned this all out before. So why can't I just trust Him? I know that I'll look back on this in a few years and laugh. I'll be living the life that is best for me. But until then, I'll worry about what the future holds.

I'm happy. Genuinely happy. But these thoughts are always in the back of my mind.

Dear God,
Please help me to trust you more.

Things that irk me:
Confusing friendships

Things that make me smile:
The concert next month

Crashing Point

Why is it that as soon as my life starts looking up, as soon as I'm finally happy, the world around me comes crashing down? Everyone I know seems to be hurting in some way or another and it sucks because I feel bad for being happy. I want things back to the way they were, but that won't happen until people apologize and make amends.

The only thing I have that makes me not feel like crap is God. But I'm not eloquent enough to know what to say to Him. It really kinda sucks. I want to have fun!!!!

Things that irk me:
This

Big Fears

Today is the day I begin to conquer on of my longest lasting fears... public speaking. Ever since I can remember, I've always been a terrible public speaker. When giving presentations, I'll have everything figured out and memorized, but when I get in front of the group, I freeze. I forget everything and I look like a moron. The funny thing is, when I'm teaching this doesn't happen. Senor Husted used to make me teach Spanish class so I could get the experience of being in front of a group of eager learners. I would stand in front of them all block long and go on and on about how to conjugate verbs without a problem. So I'm hoping that if I view my speech class as my students, and my speech as the most important lesson they'll ever learn, I'll be fine. We'll see how that goes though.

Public speaking isn't my only fear. I have other rational and irrational ones ranging from bees to sharks to being alone to car accidents to low flying planes....

Low flying planes is a peculiar one. I'm not, nor have I ever been, afraid to fly. I love flying, not only because it's quicker and more efficient, but because it's fun. But when I'm standing on the ground and a plane flys over my head I have a mini panic attack. Every single time. I think they're coming in too fast, too low, at too wide of an angle. Now I know exactly where this fear originates. Back in elementary school, shortly after 9/11, someone decided it would be a good idea to tell me that the government had found an Al Qaeda list stating planned attacks on the U.S. They then told me that the Space Center was on that list. Now, at that age I wasn't wise enough to be able to tell if this person was joking or not. And that is definitely not something anyone should joke about. To this day, I still haven't been able to shake that fear though. Everyday, I'd drive to THS and take a quick glance across the river, making sure KSC was still there. Everytime a plane flys overhead, I stand still waiting for a crash. I know that Tyco is near my house and chances are, every single one of those planes is scheduled to land there. I know that KSC would be a stupid attack site. But still, it's stuck with me.

The rest of my fears make sense. Bees sting. Sharks bite and have bitten friends of mine. Everyone is afraid of being alone. Car accidents have killed people I love. But I'm hoping to conquer planes and public speaking sometime in the near future.

I really don't know why I shared that with you. I guess I needed to stop thinking about it and write it down.

Things that make me smile:
Late night life chats
Olive Garden dates

Things that irk me:
Awkward moments

Hold Your Dream, Be My Escape

Have you ever disliked someone just because everyone else did? Have you ever not given someone a chance because of their reputation? Have you ever shunned someone just because other people were shunning them? Sure you have. I think almost everyone has. But how about next time, instead of joining everyone you do the right thing. Give them the chance they deserve. Please. I did and now I'm happier because of it.

Classes went pretty well today. My LC is going to do a great job linking all of the courses together and I'm definitely excited to start learning about education. Let's hope tomorrow goes as well.

"Countless hours of learning more, countless hours of knowing less..."

"I fought You for so long, I should have let You in.
Oh, how we regret those things we do.
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin, but so were You."

Overachiever

This isn't how I pictured things would be when I got back. But I've always been the type to daydream about the perfect world and then be disappointed when that dream doesn't come true. The difference this time is I'm not sure whether I'm happier with reality or if I'd be happier with the dream. I guess I'll figure that out once I get into the real swing of things.

I've also realized that you can't be on everyone's good side. No matter how hard I try to be nice to everyone, I can't be everyone's best friend. I guess I finally understand what Clare was talking about when she said she wasn't sure who she was anymore. Now that I can be anyone I want, who do I want to be?


Things that irk me:
Being Co-President of the Confused Club

Things that make me smile:
Laura Ingalls Wilder
My baby boys

REBECCA ROSENBERG!

Hi.... I love you. (Teehee...I had to do that. The next thing has nothing to do with Becca)

I'm pretty sure I deserve an apology. I don't care if it wasn't a "boozefest." I care that you don't understand why I didn't stop by to say bye. I care that you don't think you owe me an apology. I guess I really shouldn't be surprised. This isn't anything new.

Sorry, I had to get that out.

I'm definitely glad to be back with my friends. I know I've said that quite a few times already, but it's true. Classes start tomorrow and I can't wait to start learning more about education. It'll be loads of fun.

Things that irk me:
People that don't give second chances.
How I can't help but give out third, and fourth, and tenth chances.

Things that make me smile:
My friends here.