I had almost forgotten how to laugh and smile for long periods of time... almost. But I remembered this weekend. (I'm writing this in the past tense because today will consist of cleaning and writing papers, no fun stuff) I remembered what it is like to be happy, to want to go out and conquer the world, to have plans, to be content with where I am. It's an amazing feeling. The thought of transferring hasn't really crossed my mind in ages. (if a week counts as ages)

Freitag, J&J, Bee, and I went to the VA room to watch Five Times August. We weren't really sure how they were going to be and were a little hesitant to go, but once they began the show we all fell in love. The main singer, Brad, was the only one who played this particular show. Sadly, he has a wedding ring. But his voice made me feel like butter and he was the heat, melting me with every word (that feeling isn't foreign to me, something else makes me do that too). After the concert, we went to the merch table, bought cd's, took pictures, ("accidently" grazed his butt), and then went downstair to Bugg's. We sat around laughing until we realized how late it was.

Saturday = <3

Either Thursday or Friday (can't remember which) X told me that Smallsville HS was having a swim meet against SAHS. I was sooo excited to go! He gave me the address and J&J drove us there. Driving there was a little scary. Take DeLeon, multiply it by one hundred, and that's what we had to drive through to get to the beautiful YMCA swimming complex. Bee and I walked in, sat down, and watched everyone swim. It took everyone besides X a while to figure out that I was there. I was called an "alumni" for the first time ever (weirddd!) and got to see a lot of my old friends.

After the meet, Mrs E practically insisted on taking us to lunch. (first rule of college: never turn down free food). We ate at this wonderful French Pastry shoppe (I just realized the irony in that... but that's a different story). After lunch, we walked around town. Just me, X, and Bee. Some moments are bittersweet. But I'll take that little dose of bitterness if I get all the sweetness I've been wanting. (that's also another story)

After X left... :( .... We went to Bugg's and sat with J&J and their sister Jenny. We waited around to see if Starbucks man was going to show (he didn't) and then we went to the outlets and shopped for a little bit. I got a really cute sweatshirt. Jenny had to leave, so I came back up to my dorm and waited for my Loverface to come. She got here, we talked, ate delicious pizza, went to see Fame, and then stopped by Lyd's house. Fame made me miss music and high school soo much. Those kids are so talented and got to do what they loved everyday. I got to do that in h.s. too. Lyd suggested borrowing music, going out on the streets, and playing clarinet. I think I just might, if she'll play viola with me.

*Funny sidenote* Lyd and Lor have a kitten named Tobi. The second they told us his name, Lover and I looked at each other and laughed... remembering German Tobi. I then remembered that Juno song "I've never met a Tobi that I didn't like." *I guess it wasn't that funny...*

Now for a short announcement from our sponsers.

ATTENTION SMALLSVILLERS - I am coming home for homecoming weekend. If you would like to make plans with me, please contact my people.. (better known as my facebook or iPhone).
I apologize, but my Friday night, Saturday late night, and Sunday evening have already been claimed. This means that my time is limited. Please only book one session, unless you know I'm not talking to you when I say that. Thank you.

Ich liebe mein leben

(I love my life)

I'm even more into using random Deutsch phrases now. I spent an hour this morning talking to Jules, who is still in high school in Gladbach. I can't believe how much I miss the exchange students. I had such a good time when they were here. We talked about everything from college to Tobi to wanting to visit each other. I really wish I could go to see Chri Chri and the exchange students sometime soon, but alas, those plans fell through.

Anyways, I do love my life. I've had a great week. Sure it started off rough, having to leave my house and come back here, but it's gotten better. I had a great time getting some sun at the beach yesterday, even though Bee thought it would be funny to splash my phone. I guess she was trying to hint at the fact that I'm addicted to it. I'm trying to get better about that, but it's a process and will take a little while.

Today, being Freitag, was naturally a good day. My art test wasn't nearly as hard as I expected it to be. I got my history test back and received an 88%. My teacher saw my nervous face when I was getting my test handed to me and assured me that I did great. He's a funny guy. We didn't do much in English (wow, big surprise) and in ASL Renato gave us a quiz (which I aced), gave us back our test (95%), and told us about the first time he got drunk. It was a hilarious story. It never ceases to amaze me how funny this man can be without uttering a single word.


Tonight, Five Times August is having a free concert in the VA room so Bee, J&J and I are gonna go check it out. If it's lame, we'll just go downstairs and chill like we do every other night.

Tomorrow, I might be going to S.A.H.S. for their swim meet vs Smallsville High. J&J are taking me since their stipulation was met. :) I just have to find a ride back... After the meet J&J's sister is coming and we'll probably go see my husband at work. And then LOVERFACE IS COMING! We're going to check out the new theater and see Fame. I can't wait!!! I just saw her Sunday, but I feel like it's been forever. Sunday, I'm probably going to GN PCA with JC, but I've gotta call her because she missed ASL today. Hope she's feeling okay. I don't wanna miss a second opportunity to see my husband this week!

I can't wait for the weekend to begin!!!!!!!!

:)

Right now I'm listening to a playlist I made entitled "The Epic Concert I Have to Miss". It is made up of all the songs I have by The Maine, Boys Like Girls, and A Rocket to the Moon. I can't believe that the ONE time ARTTM decides to have a concert near me, I can't go. I have to go on a stupid field trip for art class. Field trip? I mean really? Are we in elementary school? Nein, we are in COLLEGE. (I've been randomly sticking German in my sentences lately and I have no idea warum.) Anyways, since I can't go to the concert, I decided to just make a playlist and listen to it everyday until I finally get sick of them. I hope it works.

What else? hmmm.... Well I decided that I shouldn't be nice to people who dislike me anymore. They take advantage of my niceness and go back to complaining just like they used to do. It's really annoying. I think I'll listen to Vern's advice. "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." I'm not going to put up with it anymore. I'll just be friends with the people who take care of my heart.

Today has been a pretty smiley day. Math class was a good time. My professor finally knows my name and likes me. He made a mistake today and I corrected him, so he knows I'm smart. He'll wink at when he asks someone else a question because he knows I know the answer. After math, I came back to my room and wrote a paper about the Holocaust seminar I went to last night. I'm still really interested in the holocaust, so my paper took two seconds to do. If there was a major called "History of the Holocaust" I'd do that instead. It's fascinating. As soon as J&J get out of class we're all going to the beach. I'm really excited because I haven't been since the last time I went with X. I know it won't be the same as Playa but I'm still excited.

I've been smiling all day. I wish that smile was caused by a sudden realization that I love it here. Mostly because I'd be a less terrible person. But I deserve to be happy to. I've waited patiently for something good to happen in my life. And here it is. :)

Now I must go get ready for the BEACH!!!! YAY!!!!!


p.s. I'm going to NYC with my Mamma and Daddy this winter. Which Broadway should I see??? I've already seen Wicked, Lion King, Grease, Mama Mia, and Jersey Boys.

iPhone fun and other things

I just got this app on my iPhone so I can update my blog from my bed...when I should really be asleep. I shouldn't drink espresso after 5, but I do it anyways. Today actually turned out to be decent. My classes were all really chill. Art was bearable for once, history is always a good time, and my group in English won our scavenger hunt. It still kills me that 3/5 of these classes would be waived at any state school. But I chose this, so I'll deal. The thought of transferring is still in my head, but I feel like I need something profound to happen for me to justify moving. Not just I miss my family and friends. Who knows, maybe the idea will go away.

Random question: Has something ever made you really happy even though you know it shouldn't? Because that's what happened today. I've been smiling ever since I heard something. I know I'm a terrible person because in a way, I'm enjoying someone elses pain, but I can't help it. I'm happy. I'll be happy if nothing more happens than what I was told. I feel bad for this smile, but I'm going to keep it.

Another question: I said I hated someone a few posts ago. But do I really hate them if we can have a civilized conversation? And if I immediately diss out advice when they ask for it via text? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's just my time to have everything go right. Maybe it's my time to smile. I did the right thing (in both situations) and now I'm being rewarded... Maybe.

Anywho, it's thursday. Tomorrow is a free concert, Saturday my loverface is coming!!! And sunday I'm going to GN PCA with JC. I like having weekend plans. I really need to hit the hay now though.... With a smile on my face, even if that smile is wrong. :)

Figure it Out

Maybe if life was more like that game show my cousin was on, the one with the same title as this post, it would be a lot easier. All you have to do is stand there, with your solution up on the board, and celebrities ask you questions until they come up with the answer. I'd stand there, say yes and no, and then they'd figure it out for me. But alas, that's not how life works. I have to figure it out for myself.

And that's what I tried to do this weekend while at home. I sat in my room on my big comfy bed looking around at all my things wondering what I should do. I, of course, couldn't come up with an answer in one short weekend. I spent Friday night and most of Saturday with my family. I didn't realize it until I really thought back, but I haven't been away from them for more than a week ever. But even in those weeks I was with someone that I've known forever. Mrs. C or Mrs. T or someone like that, so being here alone is a lot harder than I thought it would be. At Nicole's house, we watched movies and talked about college again. She pointed out one of the other big problems here. I, unlike everyone else at their colleges, am completely alone. Everyone else has someone that they've been with for a long time. Dragon has my Lover and she also has my big sis, Lemon has her sister, Lee has BB, My son and Moos both have a wide array of people they can go to. Sure, I have Jess and Jor Jor but I knew them four years ago and then basically lost contact until now. We don't know the same people anymore even though we're from the same place.

Being home was nice though, because it reminded me that everything will go back to the way it was once Christmas and summer come. I hung out with BJ and it was like we had never been apart, I went to frisbee and it took most of the guys a while to realize that I was gone. That being at frisbee wasn't normal anymore. They made me feel great and like I had never left. The problem is, I did leave. I wasn't going to be home forever and I had to come back. I had to make the drive back up here and then leave Mom and Ang once I did arrive. I don't like being without them and I don't like being here but I'm determined. I've always been determined. Once I start something I can't just quit. I have to finish it, whether "finishing" means staying here for four years or finding somewhere else where I'm happier.

The problem is, either way, I'm going to feel like I failed. Either I fail at the adjustment period but figure it out and then keep going. Or I fail at being this far away from everyone and have to find somewhere else to be. I know it's ridiculous and I'm not failing if I'm happy, but that's not what it feels like.

I have a lot to think about and figure out. Hopefully, someday, not far from today, I'll look back on this time and laugh. Laugh at how stupid I am and how much fun I'll be having... hopefully.

Small Victories

I'm counting the small victories and steps I make in life now to get by. Things like not breaking down when Mom and Dad dropped me off after dinner last night and not crying in bed when I finally went to sleep. The less times I break down each day, the closer I am to figuring out what I want to do.

As I was straightening my hair this morning, I remembered my favorite Bible verse. (Yes, I always think about deep things when I'm getting ready.) It just popped into my head, and by that, I mean God reminded me because I've been asking Him for guidance the past few days. So, after I was done I walked over to my desk, grabbed my Bible and read. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." (Jeremiah 29 11-12) This just reminds me that God is looking out for me and knows how I've been feeling. He knows that I can get through it and there is hope and I do have a future. The hardest part of those verses to grasp is that He knows the plans, I don't. I don't know where He's going to take me or what He wants me to do. I just have to remember that He has it all worked out and I just have to sit back, pray, and trust.

I think the above thoughts count as a bigger victory. Not that because I read that I'm suddenly going to be better. But because when I do start doubting myself, I just have to come back and read it.

I have so much to think about this weekend when I return home, but I know I won't be alone. When I need help I have a billion people I can call, and that right there is a HUGE blessing. I'm thankful for all of my friends who have always been there for me and always will be. I don't know where I'd be without them. They'll be the ones that help me reach my next small victories. Little steps at a time. One by one, I'll get there.

Pathetic

I know I'm going to sound like a big baby to everyone after they read this, but I really don't care. I'm hoping that writing this will help me get over it and be happy here....

I honestly don't know what started it. "It" being the fact that I feel absolutely miserable here. This past week or so I've felt like I'm in the wrong place but I have no idea where the "right place" is. Whenever I mention this to people, they just tell me that it's a stage every college student goes through and I pray to God every night that they're right. But isn't this stage supposed to happen at the beginning of the year? Not a month into classes. Not after being happy and super excited to be here for a month. Right now, if someone came up to me, waved a little wand, and said "Hey, you can transfer wherever you want and keep your credits and be in the same classes at the same point in each class", I'd do it in a heartbeat. I really would. Although I don't know where I'd go. Anywhere where I'm not miserable and the thought of home or my friends makes me tear up. I actually cry myself to sleep every night. I really hope that this is just a phase, and I'll be better soon. Sooner or later, Bee is going to walk in on me red-eyed and runny-nosed or wake up to me making those pre-cry noises Dane Cook talks about. I almost broke down in math class yesterday because I overheard some guys talking about how happy they are here and how they're almost ready to graduate. I wish I was them....

I'm hoping that going home this weekend will help me. Keeping busy, seeing everyone, remembering how much more boring Smallsville is compared to CollegeTown. X says to be careful, because it might make things worse, but I highly doubt that. I'm willing to try anything to make this phase or whatever go away. Most people know that I'm usually emotionless, I don't normally cry or get sad, so the fact that I've gone through a whole box of tissues in three or so days is terrible. This needs to stop, and I'm trying to make it, but nothing is working so far.

I miss my big bed, sitting at a full lunch table, always having a friend in each class, having plans for every weekend a month in advance, being able to call my friends and have them come over in a matter of minutes, being with my family, going shopping whenever I want, having a car to go places, Target, Walmart, high school, my boys, the twins, church, my little sisters, having an assortment of snacks in my kitchen, having a kitchen in the first place, having my own space, having a good laundry machine, cable television, wifi that doesn't epically fail, good food, having people to remind me to do my homework, being happy... the list goes on and on.

It's barely fall and I want winter break to get here NOW. Pray that I figure out what I'm supposed to be doing, whether it's staying here or going away, I don't care as long as whatever happens, I can stop gasping for air. This feeling is pathetic, I know, and I want it to be over. I need it to be done. I'm sick of it and I just want to be happy again. Help...