Figure it Out

Maybe if life was more like that game show my cousin was on, the one with the same title as this post, it would be a lot easier. All you have to do is stand there, with your solution up on the board, and celebrities ask you questions until they come up with the answer. I'd stand there, say yes and no, and then they'd figure it out for me. But alas, that's not how life works. I have to figure it out for myself.

And that's what I tried to do this weekend while at home. I sat in my room on my big comfy bed looking around at all my things wondering what I should do. I, of course, couldn't come up with an answer in one short weekend. I spent Friday night and most of Saturday with my family. I didn't realize it until I really thought back, but I haven't been away from them for more than a week ever. But even in those weeks I was with someone that I've known forever. Mrs. C or Mrs. T or someone like that, so being here alone is a lot harder than I thought it would be. At Nicole's house, we watched movies and talked about college again. She pointed out one of the other big problems here. I, unlike everyone else at their colleges, am completely alone. Everyone else has someone that they've been with for a long time. Dragon has my Lover and she also has my big sis, Lemon has her sister, Lee has BB, My son and Moos both have a wide array of people they can go to. Sure, I have Jess and Jor Jor but I knew them four years ago and then basically lost contact until now. We don't know the same people anymore even though we're from the same place.

Being home was nice though, because it reminded me that everything will go back to the way it was once Christmas and summer come. I hung out with BJ and it was like we had never been apart, I went to frisbee and it took most of the guys a while to realize that I was gone. That being at frisbee wasn't normal anymore. They made me feel great and like I had never left. The problem is, I did leave. I wasn't going to be home forever and I had to come back. I had to make the drive back up here and then leave Mom and Ang once I did arrive. I don't like being without them and I don't like being here but I'm determined. I've always been determined. Once I start something I can't just quit. I have to finish it, whether "finishing" means staying here for four years or finding somewhere else where I'm happier.

The problem is, either way, I'm going to feel like I failed. Either I fail at the adjustment period but figure it out and then keep going. Or I fail at being this far away from everyone and have to find somewhere else to be. I know it's ridiculous and I'm not failing if I'm happy, but that's not what it feels like.

I have a lot to think about and figure out. Hopefully, someday, not far from today, I'll look back on this time and laugh. Laugh at how stupid I am and how much fun I'll be having... hopefully.