Pathetic

I know I'm going to sound like a big baby to everyone after they read this, but I really don't care. I'm hoping that writing this will help me get over it and be happy here....

I honestly don't know what started it. "It" being the fact that I feel absolutely miserable here. This past week or so I've felt like I'm in the wrong place but I have no idea where the "right place" is. Whenever I mention this to people, they just tell me that it's a stage every college student goes through and I pray to God every night that they're right. But isn't this stage supposed to happen at the beginning of the year? Not a month into classes. Not after being happy and super excited to be here for a month. Right now, if someone came up to me, waved a little wand, and said "Hey, you can transfer wherever you want and keep your credits and be in the same classes at the same point in each class", I'd do it in a heartbeat. I really would. Although I don't know where I'd go. Anywhere where I'm not miserable and the thought of home or my friends makes me tear up. I actually cry myself to sleep every night. I really hope that this is just a phase, and I'll be better soon. Sooner or later, Bee is going to walk in on me red-eyed and runny-nosed or wake up to me making those pre-cry noises Dane Cook talks about. I almost broke down in math class yesterday because I overheard some guys talking about how happy they are here and how they're almost ready to graduate. I wish I was them....

I'm hoping that going home this weekend will help me. Keeping busy, seeing everyone, remembering how much more boring Smallsville is compared to CollegeTown. X says to be careful, because it might make things worse, but I highly doubt that. I'm willing to try anything to make this phase or whatever go away. Most people know that I'm usually emotionless, I don't normally cry or get sad, so the fact that I've gone through a whole box of tissues in three or so days is terrible. This needs to stop, and I'm trying to make it, but nothing is working so far.

I miss my big bed, sitting at a full lunch table, always having a friend in each class, having plans for every weekend a month in advance, being able to call my friends and have them come over in a matter of minutes, being with my family, going shopping whenever I want, having a car to go places, Target, Walmart, high school, my boys, the twins, church, my little sisters, having an assortment of snacks in my kitchen, having a kitchen in the first place, having my own space, having a good laundry machine, cable television, wifi that doesn't epically fail, good food, having people to remind me to do my homework, being happy... the list goes on and on.

It's barely fall and I want winter break to get here NOW. Pray that I figure out what I'm supposed to be doing, whether it's staying here or going away, I don't care as long as whatever happens, I can stop gasping for air. This feeling is pathetic, I know, and I want it to be over. I need it to be done. I'm sick of it and I just want to be happy again. Help...