I wish you knew how much it hurts when you shove things like this in my face. It's not that I don't want you to be happy, because I do. It's just that I wish I could have that kind of happiness before you do. I wish you understood why I feel like this. I wish you understood why I get so mad at you all the time. I wish we could be friends again, just friends. But that's never going to happen.
But most of all, I wish I could rewind the clock and go back to the summer where it all changed. I would not have to change much. Just one day here and one day there. They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, but I have yet to see that. Because it's killing me inside and I'm not getting any stronger.
"I wonder if there will ever be a day where I forget all about you. And I wonder if when that day comes, I'll be happier or just heartbroken."
Once upon a time words never hurt me, change never killed me, love never broke me, fear never shook me, and my hopes never faded. I never broke down and I was always happy. Once upon a time... I'm ready to be the girl I was. The one who never cried, never worried about love, and never got mad at stupid things.
Once upon a time I was warned and once upon a time I promised myself that I would listen to those warnings. Oops.
Okay, I'm done. That's the last time I'll dedicate a post to this. I give you permission to smack me if I ever do this again. Seriously.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Swiped
I swiped this from "Notebook Doodles", a freaking amazing blog. And now I'm filling it out because I really don't want to read this book for English.
1. what is your current obsession?
hmm... Hulu. On boring days (a.k.a. everyday) I watch old episodes of my favorite shows.
2. what are you wearing today?
Jeans, a black cami, an American Eagle pink shirt, a black jacket, red fuzzy socks, and black Uggs
3. what’s for dinner?
I ate pasta with marinara sauce and drank an Arnold Palmer
4. what’s the last thing you bought?
Good question....
5. what are you listening to right now?
The noise of downtown St. Auggie
6. what do you think about the person who tagged you?
She didn't really tag me... but she makes amazing doodles
7. if you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Greece would be awesome... but if I was expected to live in the house forever, I'd say T-ville
8. one thing you wanna change about yourself?
Be more decided in my decisions (if that makes any sense)
9. if you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
GERMANY!
10. which language do you want to learn?
Greek
11. what’s your favourite quote?
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through." Nicholas Sparks.
12 . would you cook for me?
Depending on who's asking and what they want
13. what is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Just ignore them..
14. what are you afraid of the most?
Failure. and being alone
15. who do you want to meet right now?
my future self
16. what is your favourite color?
Purple! and blue... and green
17. give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
Boots are great, all the time.
Make sure your leggings are paired with a dress, not a shirt.
Choose the outfit, then do your hair to match it. It's easier that way.
18. what is your dream job?
Mom
Or Preschool owner
19. what’s your favorite magazine?
Seventeen
20. if you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
Clothes. and phone accessories
21. what do you consider a fashion faux pas?
Visible undergarments!! Or super low-riding jeans
22. who according to you is the most over-rated writer?
Even though I love Eclipse.. Stephenie Meyer
23. what brings a smile on your face instantly?
Babies. Or mail in my college mailbox
24. a word that you say a lot?
blatantly, or super
25. what kind of haircut do you prefer?
One that's easy to manage, but looks good
26. what are you going to do after this?
Shower
27. what do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
Cry. Listen to music. Talk to someone on the internets
28. what makes you go wild?
Nothing really
29. what are your favourite movies?
The Notebook, P.O.T.O., Peter Pan
30. what inspires you?
Beauty in the world around me
31. what do your friends call you most commonly?
Em or Emmy
32. would you prefer coffee or tea?
Tea
33. which other blogs do you love visiting?
All of the ones listed in my side bar...
34. favorite dessert/sweet?
Kinder Chocolates!!!
35. how many tabs are turned on in your browser right now?
Two
36. when you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Why am I awake?
37. favorite season?
autumn
38. one wish that you really want to see it come true?
To be content
39. what breaks your heart?
Hurting children. Whether they're sad, injured, abused, confused. Any kind of hurt
40. what's one thing you really want to do in life?
Make a difference in the life of a child. I don't care what child, just someone.
1. what is your current obsession?
hmm... Hulu. On boring days (a.k.a. everyday) I watch old episodes of my favorite shows.
2. what are you wearing today?
Jeans, a black cami, an American Eagle pink shirt, a black jacket, red fuzzy socks, and black Uggs
3. what’s for dinner?
I ate pasta with marinara sauce and drank an Arnold Palmer
4. what’s the last thing you bought?
Good question....
5. what are you listening to right now?
The noise of downtown St. Auggie
6. what do you think about the person who tagged you?
She didn't really tag me... but she makes amazing doodles
7. if you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Greece would be awesome... but if I was expected to live in the house forever, I'd say T-ville
8. one thing you wanna change about yourself?
Be more decided in my decisions (if that makes any sense)
9. if you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
GERMANY!
10. which language do you want to learn?
Greek
11. what’s your favourite quote?
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through." Nicholas Sparks.
12 . would you cook for me?
Depending on who's asking and what they want
13. what is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Just ignore them..
14. what are you afraid of the most?
Failure. and being alone
15. who do you want to meet right now?
my future self
16. what is your favourite color?
Purple! and blue... and green
17. give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
Boots are great, all the time.
Make sure your leggings are paired with a dress, not a shirt.
Choose the outfit, then do your hair to match it. It's easier that way.
18. what is your dream job?
Mom
Or Preschool owner
19. what’s your favorite magazine?
Seventeen
20. if you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
Clothes. and phone accessories
21. what do you consider a fashion faux pas?
Visible undergarments!! Or super low-riding jeans
22. who according to you is the most over-rated writer?
Even though I love Eclipse.. Stephenie Meyer
23. what brings a smile on your face instantly?
Babies. Or mail in my college mailbox
24. a word that you say a lot?
blatantly, or super
25. what kind of haircut do you prefer?
One that's easy to manage, but looks good
26. what are you going to do after this?
Shower
27. what do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
Cry. Listen to music. Talk to someone on the internets
28. what makes you go wild?
Nothing really
29. what are your favourite movies?
The Notebook, P.O.T.O., Peter Pan
30. what inspires you?
Beauty in the world around me
31. what do your friends call you most commonly?
Em or Emmy
32. would you prefer coffee or tea?
Tea
33. which other blogs do you love visiting?
All of the ones listed in my side bar...
34. favorite dessert/sweet?
Kinder Chocolates!!!
35. how many tabs are turned on in your browser right now?
Two
36. when you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Why am I awake?
37. favorite season?
autumn
38. one wish that you really want to see it come true?
To be content
39. what breaks your heart?
Hurting children. Whether they're sad, injured, abused, confused. Any kind of hurt
40. what's one thing you really want to do in life?
Make a difference in the life of a child. I don't care what child, just someone.
Steps towards a decision
I told my parents and my friend Rachael about my debate (because they need to know, and she's been there before). So now I have some good support and people to talk to. I also started taking the necessary steps towards deciding what I want to do..... Pro/Con lists, E-mailing transfer services at the U, Starting an application (I can always tell them I changed my mind), figuring out what would transfer and what wouldn't, etc.
I also told my h.s. friends about it too. They always give me a hard time about not ever telling them anything, and I figured I need their help too, so why not?
The weird thing is, I've been slightly happier today and yesterday. But I don't know if that's because I know I have a way out, or because I really am happy. I guess I'll never really know.
It's really hard knowing what to do. Because it's hard to imagine exactly what it would be like if I did leave. I know I'll miss my friends like crazy. But is not wanting missing my friends enough to make me stay and maybe be unhappy?? I guess I'll figure it out in time.
On a side note: Babysitting was fun. BuG has gotten a LOT bigger since the last time I saw him. He's getting ready to crawl!! I think he's teething though, so he was very fussy. After he went to bed, Paul and I watched Tropic Thunder, the Hangover, and some of The Venture Brothers.... that's what happens when people don't get back til 2am.
I also told my h.s. friends about it too. They always give me a hard time about not ever telling them anything, and I figured I need their help too, so why not?
The weird thing is, I've been slightly happier today and yesterday. But I don't know if that's because I know I have a way out, or because I really am happy. I guess I'll never really know.
It's really hard knowing what to do. Because it's hard to imagine exactly what it would be like if I did leave. I know I'll miss my friends like crazy. But is not wanting missing my friends enough to make me stay and maybe be unhappy?? I guess I'll figure it out in time.
On a side note: Babysitting was fun. BuG has gotten a LOT bigger since the last time I saw him. He's getting ready to crawl!! I think he's teething though, so he was very fussy. After he went to bed, Paul and I watched Tropic Thunder, the Hangover, and some of The Venture Brothers.... that's what happens when people don't get back til 2am.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
24 Hours
I had 24 tearless hours this weekend. From Friday night until Saturday night. My stomach didn't hurt, I didn't feel like getting sick, and I wasn't really sad. I still wanted to be at home, but not so badly that I balled.
But nothing lasts forever, and those hours are long gone.
I wish someone would hand me a piece of paper with the answer on it. Just a one word answer: stay or go.
I don't want to feel like a failure for going, but I don't want to feel like I'm settling if I stay.
Someone please help me make it through these next 11 weeks.
But nothing lasts forever, and those hours are long gone.
I wish someone would hand me a piece of paper with the answer on it. Just a one word answer: stay or go.
I don't want to feel like a failure for going, but I don't want to feel like I'm settling if I stay.
Someone please help me make it through these next 11 weeks.
Friday, January 22, 2010
6 and 4
Yep.
It's weird, because I wake up happy after falling asleep miserable.
Can't it be March? Because March I can deal with.
I just want to go home.
It's weird, because I wake up happy after falling asleep miserable.
Can't it be March? Because March I can deal with.
I just want to go home.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
5 and 3
Today marks the fifth day of my stomach ache. I really don't know what is making it hurt so badly. Every time I go to eat, the sharp pain comes back and just as I am beginning to get tired, it worsens. I wish I knew how to solve things like that.
Today also marks the third time I've woken up after crying myself to sleep. I honestly have no idea why. Because during the day I'm happy here and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be. But at night something comes over me and tears start streaming down my face. I'd really rather not talk about it, so please don't make me. The second I try to come up with an explanation, it starts again. I hate it. I never used to do this.
Please, please, please believe me when I say I love it in St. Auggie. I love it at Flagler. I don't want to go to school anywhere else. But as Sherwood says, "I miss home and I miss you. When there's no one around and nothing to do." It's only when I'm alone that I'm sad.
But enough of that, one thing that I'm super excited for is babysitting Saturday. My friend Paul and I are headed over to Paul's brother's house to babysit his son. I can't wait to see how much bigger he's gotten!!
Things that irk me:
Crying for no reason (so again, don't freaking ask)
Things that make me smile:
Babies
Lifelong friends
Today also marks the third time I've woken up after crying myself to sleep. I honestly have no idea why. Because during the day I'm happy here and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be. But at night something comes over me and tears start streaming down my face. I'd really rather not talk about it, so please don't make me. The second I try to come up with an explanation, it starts again. I hate it. I never used to do this.
Please, please, please believe me when I say I love it in St. Auggie. I love it at Flagler. I don't want to go to school anywhere else. But as Sherwood says, "I miss home and I miss you. When there's no one around and nothing to do." It's only when I'm alone that I'm sad.
But enough of that, one thing that I'm super excited for is babysitting Saturday. My friend Paul and I are headed over to Paul's brother's house to babysit his son. I can't wait to see how much bigger he's gotten!!
Things that irk me:
Crying for no reason (so again, don't freaking ask)
Things that make me smile:
Babies
Lifelong friends
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Confusion and Trust
Ever since I can remember, I've been a planner. I've had a plan for life, love, school, the future, everything. I guess I should say I'm a dreamer... since you can't really plan any of those things. But the problem with being a dreamer comes when you start believing your dreams. When you forget what's real and what's not. In elementary school I used to dream about my future husband, I'd meet him in high school and we'd date off and on until we finally got married when I was 20 and he was whatever just like every other married couple I can think of at the moment. In my dreams, I never went to college, or if I did, it definitely wasn't for four years, I didn't ever work, I never studied, I just lived that happy life everyone dreams of.
Problems with my dreams: I started believing them. But I didn't "on and off" date anyone in high school. I don't know any boys here either. I am in college and will be here until graduation. I have to study.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy here. I just wish I was able to trust God more than I do. I'm starting to read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and I hope that'll help. I need to remember that His plan is a million times better than my dreams. He'll make everything happen in His own time, not in my time. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. He carries me through the most troublesome times in my life. He is always there and has planned this all out before. So why can't I just trust Him? I know that I'll look back on this in a few years and laugh. I'll be living the life that is best for me. But until then, I'll worry about what the future holds.
I'm happy. Genuinely happy. But these thoughts are always in the back of my mind.
Dear God,
Please help me to trust you more.
Things that irk me:
Confusing friendships
Things that make me smile:
The concert next month
Problems with my dreams: I started believing them. But I didn't "on and off" date anyone in high school. I don't know any boys here either. I am in college and will be here until graduation. I have to study.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy here. I just wish I was able to trust God more than I do. I'm starting to read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and I hope that'll help. I need to remember that His plan is a million times better than my dreams. He'll make everything happen in His own time, not in my time. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. He carries me through the most troublesome times in my life. He is always there and has planned this all out before. So why can't I just trust Him? I know that I'll look back on this in a few years and laugh. I'll be living the life that is best for me. But until then, I'll worry about what the future holds.
I'm happy. Genuinely happy. But these thoughts are always in the back of my mind.
Dear God,
Please help me to trust you more.
Things that irk me:
Confusing friendships
Things that make me smile:
The concert next month
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