Figure it Out

Maybe if life was more like that game show my cousin was on, the one with the same title as this post, it would be a lot easier. All you have to do is stand there, with your solution up on the board, and celebrities ask you questions until they come up with the answer. I'd stand there, say yes and no, and then they'd figure it out for me. But alas, that's not how life works. I have to figure it out for myself.

And that's what I tried to do this weekend while at home. I sat in my room on my big comfy bed looking around at all my things wondering what I should do. I, of course, couldn't come up with an answer in one short weekend. I spent Friday night and most of Saturday with my family. I didn't realize it until I really thought back, but I haven't been away from them for more than a week ever. But even in those weeks I was with someone that I've known forever. Mrs. C or Mrs. T or someone like that, so being here alone is a lot harder than I thought it would be. At Nicole's house, we watched movies and talked about college again. She pointed out one of the other big problems here. I, unlike everyone else at their colleges, am completely alone. Everyone else has someone that they've been with for a long time. Dragon has my Lover and she also has my big sis, Lemon has her sister, Lee has BB, My son and Moos both have a wide array of people they can go to. Sure, I have Jess and Jor Jor but I knew them four years ago and then basically lost contact until now. We don't know the same people anymore even though we're from the same place.

Being home was nice though, because it reminded me that everything will go back to the way it was once Christmas and summer come. I hung out with BJ and it was like we had never been apart, I went to frisbee and it took most of the guys a while to realize that I was gone. That being at frisbee wasn't normal anymore. They made me feel great and like I had never left. The problem is, I did leave. I wasn't going to be home forever and I had to come back. I had to make the drive back up here and then leave Mom and Ang once I did arrive. I don't like being without them and I don't like being here but I'm determined. I've always been determined. Once I start something I can't just quit. I have to finish it, whether "finishing" means staying here for four years or finding somewhere else where I'm happier.

The problem is, either way, I'm going to feel like I failed. Either I fail at the adjustment period but figure it out and then keep going. Or I fail at being this far away from everyone and have to find somewhere else to be. I know it's ridiculous and I'm not failing if I'm happy, but that's not what it feels like.

I have a lot to think about and figure out. Hopefully, someday, not far from today, I'll look back on this time and laugh. Laugh at how stupid I am and how much fun I'll be having... hopefully.

Small Victories

I'm counting the small victories and steps I make in life now to get by. Things like not breaking down when Mom and Dad dropped me off after dinner last night and not crying in bed when I finally went to sleep. The less times I break down each day, the closer I am to figuring out what I want to do.

As I was straightening my hair this morning, I remembered my favorite Bible verse. (Yes, I always think about deep things when I'm getting ready.) It just popped into my head, and by that, I mean God reminded me because I've been asking Him for guidance the past few days. So, after I was done I walked over to my desk, grabbed my Bible and read. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." (Jeremiah 29 11-12) This just reminds me that God is looking out for me and knows how I've been feeling. He knows that I can get through it and there is hope and I do have a future. The hardest part of those verses to grasp is that He knows the plans, I don't. I don't know where He's going to take me or what He wants me to do. I just have to remember that He has it all worked out and I just have to sit back, pray, and trust.

I think the above thoughts count as a bigger victory. Not that because I read that I'm suddenly going to be better. But because when I do start doubting myself, I just have to come back and read it.

I have so much to think about this weekend when I return home, but I know I won't be alone. When I need help I have a billion people I can call, and that right there is a HUGE blessing. I'm thankful for all of my friends who have always been there for me and always will be. I don't know where I'd be without them. They'll be the ones that help me reach my next small victories. Little steps at a time. One by one, I'll get there.

Pathetic

I know I'm going to sound like a big baby to everyone after they read this, but I really don't care. I'm hoping that writing this will help me get over it and be happy here....

I honestly don't know what started it. "It" being the fact that I feel absolutely miserable here. This past week or so I've felt like I'm in the wrong place but I have no idea where the "right place" is. Whenever I mention this to people, they just tell me that it's a stage every college student goes through and I pray to God every night that they're right. But isn't this stage supposed to happen at the beginning of the year? Not a month into classes. Not after being happy and super excited to be here for a month. Right now, if someone came up to me, waved a little wand, and said "Hey, you can transfer wherever you want and keep your credits and be in the same classes at the same point in each class", I'd do it in a heartbeat. I really would. Although I don't know where I'd go. Anywhere where I'm not miserable and the thought of home or my friends makes me tear up. I actually cry myself to sleep every night. I really hope that this is just a phase, and I'll be better soon. Sooner or later, Bee is going to walk in on me red-eyed and runny-nosed or wake up to me making those pre-cry noises Dane Cook talks about. I almost broke down in math class yesterday because I overheard some guys talking about how happy they are here and how they're almost ready to graduate. I wish I was them....

I'm hoping that going home this weekend will help me. Keeping busy, seeing everyone, remembering how much more boring Smallsville is compared to CollegeTown. X says to be careful, because it might make things worse, but I highly doubt that. I'm willing to try anything to make this phase or whatever go away. Most people know that I'm usually emotionless, I don't normally cry or get sad, so the fact that I've gone through a whole box of tissues in three or so days is terrible. This needs to stop, and I'm trying to make it, but nothing is working so far.

I miss my big bed, sitting at a full lunch table, always having a friend in each class, having plans for every weekend a month in advance, being able to call my friends and have them come over in a matter of minutes, being with my family, going shopping whenever I want, having a car to go places, Target, Walmart, high school, my boys, the twins, church, my little sisters, having an assortment of snacks in my kitchen, having a kitchen in the first place, having my own space, having a good laundry machine, cable television, wifi that doesn't epically fail, good food, having people to remind me to do my homework, being happy... the list goes on and on.

It's barely fall and I want winter break to get here NOW. Pray that I figure out what I'm supposed to be doing, whether it's staying here or going away, I don't care as long as whatever happens, I can stop gasping for air. This feeling is pathetic, I know, and I want it to be over. I need it to be done. I'm sick of it and I just want to be happy again. Help...

Complaining

I often find myself complaining....
I have too much homework
I don't have enough
I don't have the time to take a nap
all I have to do is nap
There's nothing to do
I had to much fun last night, so this is my punishment
blah....blah...blah

As you can probably tell, today has been a really boring day.
I went to math, had a review of crap I already know. Drew random things in my notebook. Wrote a few German insults for no reason. Came back here. Rewrote my history notes (that's how bored I was). Ate lunch. Napped. Ate dinner.... boredom!!!! It's absolutely ridiculous.

Part of me honestly believes that I'm punished when I have a fun day. The next day, or days, become sheer boredom. Nothing can grab hold of my attention. I'm left to do nothing but watch the clock tick (hypothetically, since I do not have a real clock) and wish the next day would come and maybe be a little better.

I do have one frustration to talk about though, something that really gets under my skin and makes me want to punch something. I HATE it when my friends judge what I do. It's my life and I have my own boundaries. My boundaries are good and Christian and moral. I'm not going to go do something "slutty" or evil. What really set me off was a friend today at lunch. She sat there judging me the whole time. Telling me what I should and should not have done in a situation. The thing is, she wasn't there. She doesn't know what happened or what didn't happen. (And obviously nothing happened because I'm not like that) I kindly asked her once to stop judging me because I didn't do anything wrong and she just kept on going. By this time I was done eating so I just left and hoped the topic would blow over by dinner time. But of course, I was wrong and she just kept on judging. I don't know what to do because nothing I say satisfies her judgmental self. ...

Montag

Oh Mondays.... I love how they're supposed to be boring and hated, but mine always seem to be my favorite day. I get to sleep in until 1030-ish and lounge around until I decide it's time to go to art/history/English.

Art... ugh... I guess it's getting a little better. Apparently I finally understand what an "artistic response" is. Although I don't know how to do it again. And I found out that I did my homework right, so I was happy.

History... I LOVE my teacher. He's soo hilarious. But it's a good thing I already took APUSH with Coach, because without it I would probably fail my tests. The professor always runs out of time and we don't ever go as deeply into things as Coach did.

English- I turned in my intro for that frisbee paper today. I really hope she goes easier on me than she did on some of the kids today. The only homework I have from all my classes is to brainstorm for 2 hours about my essay. Good thing my bffl X did that for me already. :)

ASL is going great. Renato is awesome and is really easy to understand. Today, we spent most of class talking about our favorite movies. THE NOTEBOOK! and learned a few more vocabulary words.

After class ended X GOT HERE!!!!! Bee, X, and I walked down S.G. Street and got some yummy ice cream. Luckily, while walking down the street, I randomly asked X how much his parking was. As he pulled out the receipt, that retard realized that he had forgotten to put part of it on his dashboard. So we rushed over to the lot and fixed that problem. Then we walked around campus and went to play air hockey in the student center. We played, yelled, ran around, hid in corners, took pictures, and caused a scene. Just the normal things that happen when we're together.... Soon Jessi and Jor Jor were out of their class, so Bee joined them in the dining hall for food. X and I walked down to a restaurant to eat. (sorry the food was soooo nasty! I didn't know) We joked, laughed, got stomach aches from the disgusting "cuisine", paid (you owe me!!) and then walked around the fort. Some of my weird classmates were there jumping off things and yelling... it made me laugh.

I absolutely LOVE the fort at night. If I wasn't so scared of hobos, I'd sleep there one night. You can see the sunrise and set over the waterway and the grass is soo nice. Plus, if you couldn't sleep, there's plenty of exploring you could do in the fort. Maybe, one day, when I make enough guy friends, I'll take a trip out there at night. Maybe...

In the land of Orange and Blue

This weekend I spent the majority of my time in Gator Country. Something about being there makes me really happy. The street signs and the fire hydrants are painted orange and blue. Everyone is really friendly (although that's probably because the majority of them are drunk). Game day's are amazing. Everyone is decked out in their Gator Garb, painted faces, dyed hair, painted bodies. The vibe is amazing. My dad somehow managed to get 6 tickets to the Troy game. Those tickets went to me, Flander, Rash, N, Moo, and Dad.

Dad picked me up from college Friday night and took me to Nana and Gidow's in P.C. I hung out there, did some laundry, and caught up on a little homework. The next morning we woke up super early and left for UF. We stopped by Publix to get some lunch and then headed over to my older bro's dorm room. I took a little nap on his bed (breaking the two UF rules of girls not taking their shoes off and not falling asleep) because I felt like total crap, but I was NOT about to miss my man Timmy in action. After a short nap, Moo called and met us in the dorm. We hung out until Rash and N got there too. (Both of them are really sweet and I had a great time with everyone) Suddenly it was time for Gator Walk. We headed over to University Dr only to find all of the good places taken. So we had to stand in the back of the crowd with NO chance of molesting... I mean high-fiving... Timmy. Still, just seeing him gave me the heebie-jeebies. He's almost too perfect. He's glorified to an almost Godly position. I really have no clue how the team will survive next year without him. :(

Anyways, after Gator Walk we headed back to the dorm. X and I talked on my spacephone about our sworn enemy and how we're going to make him see the error of his ways. And soon enough, it was game time. We headed over to the stadium, said hey to Weegie, B-Cakes, and El Presidente, and then went to find our seats. We had a really good view of the entire field and were having a really good time until the monsoon of the century hit. It literally rained throughout the WHOLE game. I was soaked to the bone. Luckily the woman sitting next to me had a poncho that she let me put my spacephone under. (That's the thing about fellow Gators, they're always there to lend a helping hand.) All-in-all, the game was a great experience. We won (of course) and I got to make some nice new friends. Too bad the rain didn't help my sickness, so when we got back to Moos apartment, she had to play mommy-doctor and medicate me into a deep sleep. I slept for 13 whole hours!! I wish I had felt better so I could have had the chance to catch up with Moo. :(

Well, after waking up, Dad and Flander drove me back to college and I finished the rest of my homework/caught up with Jessi, Jor Jor, and Bee.

I'm really excited for tomorrow because after classes are over X IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!! It's going to be a super good time... although he can't come up and see my room or anything. :(
Oh well, a visit is a visit no matter how you look at it. :) :) :)

Anatomy of My Love Life (or lack there of)

Walking to class, to dinner, or even just to get mail I am constantly surrounded by hand holding, giggling, and PDA. When Bee and I are together we look at each other and frown, longingly, for the same reason. We don't understand how people can be "together" already after a week and a half of class. Questions run through our heads... Did they come here together? Did they know each other before? Or were they just lucky enough to find each other? Those sets of questions are followed by a new set .... How did they meet? Where did they meet? When will I find someone like that? This summer I realized that I have changed from the flirtatious teenager I was in high school to a prim and proper Southern Belle. No, I don't ma'am and sir everyone, or speak with a Southern drawl, but I do hold the same ideals as those girls. I'm about as far from a feminist as you'll ever meet. While I didn't come to college for my MRS, I do know that if I happen to meet someone I'll graduate with my BA/BS whatever it is and never use the degree. If I never teach a day in my life, I'll be happy. As long as I have a husband and babies. I don't plan on being one of those mothers that goes back to work (not that there's anything wrong with that at all). I just want to be like my mom and stay at home. Maybe I'll teach half-days at preschool if I have to. But I mean really have to, as in we won't survive if I don't.

Another thing those S.B.'s and I have in common are our ideas on dating. It's the "wait around" method. Like I said, in high school I wasn't like that. I went out and pursued who I wanted. But now, I don't want to do that. It's the Southern Belle way to sit around, looking pretty, and waiting for someone to show interest. Then and only then do you show any kind of interest back. I'm not sure how effective this method is, but it's all I can do now. I've tried the other way, only to get doors slammed in my face, words flipped around, and overall sadness. So now I'm just sitting back and waiting for someone to come. I guess this is kinda what Bar wanted me to do. She'd always laugh at me and ask why I always found at boy at every youth retreat (and thinking back, that's how I distinguish between years of camp...). She'd tell me to sit back and wait. Because God has a plan for me. He has someone picked out for me. And if you don't believe in God, think of it as fate. Or a soulmate. Everyone has one, not everyone marries theirs.

Now, I am well aware of the fact that this plan isn't full proof by any means. I might end up unhappy. But I've been unhappy before and I know that I can get through it. Check back in seven years and see how it went for me. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who's watched one too many romantic comedies. But I don't think that's what it is. I'll just stick to my Southern ideals and hope and pray that something comes along... Eventually. I'm not rushing anything. I'm only 18. I have a while before a shrivel up and die.